Just saw something that seems to all but confirm that I'll be single for life, something that really sticks a knife in my dreams. At the very least, my chances of ever being with the one I wanted most of all, the one who blew me away, the one who was everything I'd always wanted and been waiting for, the one who fascinated me endlessly and ignited my sense of wonder are even more greatly diminished. I'm just not going to meet anyone like her again. I haven't before, I haven't since, and I doubt I ever will.
I should have been ready by the time I met her. I should have cultivated an interesting personality, should have known who I was by then. Indecision, cluelessness, and giving in to fear and doubt have consequences, and this is what I get for dragging my feet all these years thinking I had all the time in the world to get myself together. And now, things have gone from bad to worse. It just sucks, because even though I learned my lesson, there's nothing I can do with it. It's just game over. How can I possibly enjoy trying to get to know someone else when the whole time I'll be wishing I could have been getting to know her instead and knowing that I would have been so much happier? I can go through the motions, but I can't lie to myself.
I know that I only have myself to blame, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's nothing left for me to do. I should have, how I wish I could have, but my chance to have someone really special came, and now it's ******* gone.