Just feeling really gloomy about my dating prospects. I don't see how they're going to get better, even if I do somehow become successful or interesting in some way - which is a big if, in and of itself, cause I don't know if I will ever figure it out. There always seems to be more you have to do, it's never enough. And even if I do, it's very rare for me to find someone that I find compelling enough to want to get to know. Not even being a snob or anything, most people just don't make me feel much. They're OK I guess, but they don't really pull me in to their story. I'm afraid that my only options are going to be settle for someone that I don't find fulfilling and aren't really interested in getting to know, and having to fake an interest in them just to date someone because that's all I'm going to get. Or staying stuck alone for the rest of my life and never getting to know what being with someone is like. You might think I'm being dramatic but I really, honestly don't see any way this ends well for me, unless I get the kind of luck that's equal to winning the lotto. I feel like that's the kind of odds I'm up against.
And it's really hard to care about self-improving when I feel like it's most likely not going to matter. I don't need to impress myself. Most likely what I'd need to do is beyond my abilities, or I could have done it but I didn't figure it out in time, or I already screwed up my life. It's hard to be optimistic when there's just no reason to be, no evidence that any of it is ever going to pay off. I don't really do blind faith. I guess I have to hope that I haven't factored in everything, I don't know. I wish I could do something that made me feel like I had a chance.
,down the hills.
