TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
I can't speak for others, but for me it was believing that I lacked the genetic talent to be successful at anything, as evidenced by not having anything I was naturally above average at, or felt like I learned naturally, easily, and quickly. Therefore, I couldn't be responsible for my situation because I didn't pick my genes. I don't WANT to be bad at everything, I just fear that I don't have the genetic capacity to meaningfully, significantly improve to where I can do anything well enough for it to matter.
I also thought I was just "being myself", just being the way I naturally am, how I naturally turned out. I was always told to "just be myself".
Same with "it's a free country", all this talk of "freedom". This might be an America thing. I thought I was "free". I thought the social rules were made up. Turns out they're not.
I wish instead of "be yourself" and "you're free", I would have been told the opposite - be good at stuff, because you're NOT free from how this game works. Otherwise the only "freedom" you'll enjoy is the freedom to be single and unhappy forever because you're not impressive and interesting enough.
Life really feels like a talent show/competition, and you have to have something to enter with, to show for yourself.
At least that's how it seems to me.
Although again, without feeling like I had the genetic capacity to get good at stuff, I probably would have just brushed it off, like "yeah right".
So, I felt victim-blamed when I felt punished for "just being myself" like I thought I was supposed to, and for doing when I wanted when I thought I was "free", despite not harming or bothering anyone that I was aware of.
I spent many years confused about all this, and angry. Now I'm not as confused, still pretty angry, and not sure if I can do better, if it's too late, or if it didn't matter because I just wasn't born with it in the first place.
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