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why do i always meet awsome people online.... that live so far away? no really cool people live here.
 
Ohmygoodness, I am so excited!

I am offering up a prayer the the universe: Please-please-please....


:D
 
Too much to do today. and tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. (I think you see where I'm going with this)

 
I'm cold and in the frigging ugliest mood imaginable.

I don't even know what I want. I've tried keeping busy and active, having a nap, etc.

But my head is blocked. So I'll just cry.
 
PurpleDays said:
I feel fat today, even though I'm white as a sheet and my shoulder blades are protruding.

A type-two diabetes group just left and they were all so big it made me feel sick. I'm awful, I help to create my own problems.

I'm glad I don't have cankles. *shudder*
I can really relate to this.

Callie said:
Yes and you are SOOO much better? Judging people for being honest about how they feel?
BTW, I'm the same way Purple is, so now you can be SICK by me too. You couldn't ******* understand it, so how bout you stop judging before you walk a mile in shoes such as ours. M'kay?

I love you! :)

@ Topic:

I bought some shorts today, unfortunately them emphasize the fattest part of my thighs horribly. I put them on at home, looked in the mirror and just tore them off right away in disgust. One day I will wear them and not be revolted by my thighs. At least I hope for this.

I think I should perhaps eat. No. I'm not hungry though. Liar!!! Actually, I am kinda hungry, I think... A maximum of 600 calories (or slightly less) for one day isn't good they say (doctors and so on), I think I'm OK with this, but if I'm OK with this why am I getting anxious thinking (I accidentally typed thinning then) about it all inside of me?

On a lighter note...

Can't wait for the weekend because I'm spending all of it with my boyfriend!!! I think I'm in love with him, I think we're in love with each other, I hope this is true, and I think it might just be.
I really hope the weather gets better again soon, I wanna try on my bikini (only because I haven't worn (or even owned) one for years, literally, too embarrassed).

I think tomorrow I shall go roller skating! :) I need practice badly. They're pink and white coloured, retro style, and I have pink elbow/knee pads/wrist supports too, my boyfriend bought them for me for my 22nd birthday and suddenly I fell for him all over again. <3 I love roller skates - I last owned a pair over 7 years ago, retro style red and black, I was so disappointed when I grew out of them. :)

I think it's snack time now. OK, I admit it, it's getting painful now and excess stomach acid isn't nice - ignore it and go to sleep, you won't die for **** sake! - why am I suddenly kind of "glum" now? This is good, this makes the anxiety go away, the thoughts racing through my head all shut up, for now. And I feel "proud", pleased by the emptiness and I think it's kind of sadistic too, to take a weird warped pleasure in the knots in my stomach and the pain - but all of this is conflicting with another side of me, I fight with myself and argue over these things.

Bed time for me, soon, very soon I think.
 
Broken_Doll said:
I love you! :)

@ Topic:

I bought some shorts today, unfortunately them emphasize the fattest part of my thighs horribly. I put them on at home, looked in the mirror and just tore them off right away in disgust. One day I will wear them and not be revolted by my thighs. At least I hope for this.

I think I should perhaps eat. No. I'm not hungry though. Liar!!! Actually, I am kinda hungry, I think... A maximum of 600 calories (or slightly less) for one day isn't good they say (doctors and so on), I think I'm OK with this, but if I'm OK with this why am I getting anxious thinking (I accidentally typed thinning then) about it all inside of me?

On a lighter note...

Can't wait for the weekend because I'm spending all of it with my boyfriend!!! I think I'm in love with him, I think we're in love with each other, I hope this is true, and I think it might just be.
I really hope the weather gets better again soon, I wanna try on my bikini (only because I haven't worn (or even owned) one for years, literally, too embarrassed).

I think tomorrow I shall go roller skating! :) I need practice badly. They're pink and white coloured, retro style, and I have pink elbow/knee pads/wrist supports too, my boyfriend bought them for me for my 22nd birthday and suddenly I fell for him all over again. <3 I love roller skates - I last owned a pair over 7 years ago, retro style red and black, I was so disappointed when I grew out of them. :)

I think it's snack time now. OK, I admit it, it's getting painful now and excess stomach acid isn't nice - ignore it and go to sleep, you won't die for **** sake! - why am I suddenly kind of "glum" now? This is good, this makes the anxiety go away, the thoughts racing through my head all shut up, for now. And I feel "proud", pleased by the emptiness and I think it's kind of sadistic too, to take a weird warped pleasure in the knots in my stomach and the pain - but all of this is conflicting with another side of me, I fight with myself and argue over these things.

Bed time for me, soon, very soon I think.

I won't even WEAR shorts for that reason. I haven't worn a pair of short or a bathing suit in 10 years. If I go somewhere that my family will be I cover basically everything so they won't see how thin I actually am. Yes, it's horrible, but I can't gain weight right now. There's way too much other stuff going on that I can't handle that. If I were to gain weight right now, I'd be right back where I was before. I'm not anorexic right now and I'm TRYING to keep it that way, so if that means watching what I eat and maintaining my weight (even tho it's way under what it should be) and even going a day or so without eating, that's what I'll do. I stopped running a long time ago because that was my main thing with the ED, I ran 5 miles a day, worked out and only ate like 300 calories a day. And honestly, I just started admitting I was anorexic last year and only to certain people. I didn't have a problem, of course I didn't, I was just... "getting healthy."
I might still have major issues in that department, but I'm better than I was, so progress is good.
 
thinking about the next steps i wanna take in my life. My boyfriend decided we should take a break cause he wanted me to take time out for myself and seek therapy for issues i have. I'm thinking about him and that i miss him and wanting to be able to love myself more.
 
I feel a little sad. Summer vacation is about to begin this afternoon. Loneliness here I come, I guess. :( I have something planned though, and who knows, it could turn out great... Damn, I don't like being nervous and overanalyzing.
 

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