What are you thinking right now?

[ringwood]

I'm with you lady, I reckon that occasional conflicts and arguments are a normal and a healthy part of a close relationships. Like you said they help you learn how to communicate with each other, find common ground and compromise.

Couples who proudly say they never argue or have many disagreements always make my heart sink and I question what else might be going on for them.

Sure, occasional conflicts or disagreements are totally normal. I guess it’s a matter of picking and choosing what’s important. I know some couples who regularly get into arguments over who forgot to close the toilet lid again or the unfolded laundry piles in the livingroom. Pick your battles, I say. But I’m not one for conflict, nor is my partner, so we tend to live-and-let-live with the little everyday annoyances that couples experience with each other. Do we fight over the **** that matters? Absolutely, but again, those are thankfully few and far between.

 

[TheRealCallie]

@TheRealCallie bloody hell! is this new? so when I accidently clicked your location it shows you across the street from my house! I'm a little scared now

Oh by the way, you're out of milk

 

[user 135671]

Sure, occasional conflicts or disagreements are totally normal. I guess it’s a matter of picking and choosing what’s important. I know some couples who regularly get into arguments over who forgot to close the toilet lid again or the unfolded laundry piles in the livingroom. Pick your battles, I say. But I’m not one for conflict, nor is my partner, so we tend to live-and-let-live with the little everyday annoyances that couples experience with each other. Do we fight over the honeysuckle that matters? Absolutely, but again, those are thankfully few and far between.

Oh mate! that's exactly what I was trying to say,


Now if you'll excuse me some yankee bint is stealing my milk

 

[okidoke]

I don't know, I would think most couples have at least one good argument per year, if not more. Or better yet, smaller "tiffs" once a month.
How often do you bite your tongue or just let honeysuckle go? Do you have anything you feel strongly about that she doesn't? Do you get annoyed by anything she does?
To me, communication is one of the main things about a successful relationship. If you are talking honestly and openly, there are bound to be arguments, right? You can't always agree with everything the other person says. And yes, there are rational discussions a lot of the time, but at some point, the other person is going to say something either over the top or at the wrong time and there's going to be an argument.
Also, if you don't fight, you can't make up, right?

Again, I'm not saying any of this definitely applies to your marriage. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I don't know enough about your marriage or your culture to say one way or the other. Just giving my take on what I've seen, heard and experienced.

Well I'm estranged from my wife. It hasn't been a success. It's the main reason I joined the forum. Communication has been the major downfall, but that doesn't mean we had many conflicts. She readily admits she has little to say. Yes, I've held my tongue many times. Yes, I feel strongly about some things she doesn't. Yes, she annoys me at times, too often. I probably resent her a bit now if I'm honest. I should've left ages ago, but I didn't want a broken down family. I stayed for the sake of my kids, which people always say you shouldn't, but guess what - my kids are awesome and have turned out really well emotionally because my wife and I are good parents, even with our personal faults. My original point just meant that if we conflicted as much as I see portrayed on those TV Shows, we would've separated the first year.

Anyway - it's neither here nor there now. I was just making an observation of the sitcoms.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Anyway - it's neither here nor there now. I was just making an observation of the sitcoms.

Yeah, but every day life doesn't sell as much as overly exaggerated drama. While American Sitcoms might not be far from the truth, they are heavily exaggerated to sell better. It's all about the ratings. People may not WANT drama, but they do love to see it. lol

 

[okidoke]

Yeah, but every day life doesn't sell as much as overly exaggerated drama. While American Sitcoms might not be far from the truth, they are heavily exaggerated to sell better. It's all about the ratings. People may not WANT drama, but they do love to see it. lol

that is the truth right there. probably why i get put off by some series over time.

 

[user 190541]

Well I'm estranged from my wife. It hasn't been a success. It's the main reason I joined the forum. Communication has been the major downfall, but that doesn't mean we had many conflicts. She readily admits she has little to say. Yes, I've held my tongue many times. Yes, I feel strongly about some things she doesn't. Yes, she annoys me at times, too often. I probably resent her a bit now if I'm honest. I should've left ages ago, but I didn't want a broken down family. I stayed for the sake of my kids, which people always say you shouldn't, but guess what - my kids are awesome and have turned out really well emotionally because my wife and I are good parents, even with our personal faults. My original point just meant that if we conflicted as much as I see portrayed on those TV Shows, we would've separated the first year.

Anyway - it's neither here nor there now. I was just making an observation of the sitcoms.

You did the right thing. My mother was married twice and twice divorced, the result? I got 2 brothers who resent each his own father. Of course, a son can always find motives to hate his father, but it's better not to give him a genuine reason for that. In Asia family always comes first, as opposed to here in the West where there's a certain primacy of the individual. Theirs is a better way, and as the Western cultural hegemony and overall geopolitical power decay, we could very well be seeing this pre-modern custom make a return and become more common.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You did the right thing. My mother was married twice and twice divorced, the result? I got 2 brothers who resent each his own father. Of course, a son can always find motives to hate his father, but it's better not to give him a genuine reason for that. In Asia family always comes first, as opposed to here in the West where there's a certain primacy of the individual. Theirs is a better way, and as the Western cultural hegemony and overall geopolitical power decay, we could very well be seeing this pre-modern custom make a return and become more common.

Okay, I was going to let it go when it was just one person saying it, but now there's two. There are several single parents here, me included. It's not about parents being together, it's about parents being parents. A woman can be a mother and a man can be a father, etc, etc. They don't have to be together for that. Prime example is my children. One of my kids idolizes his father, the other resents him. Why? Well, because my ex is only a father to one of my children. (Yes, they are both his).
And even if one of the parents isn't in the picture, that doesn't mean kids can't grow up to be perfectly functioning and happy. All that is just an excuse, because in the end, kids are going to be who THEY want to be. Their upbringing doesn't matter, they have a choice, just like everyone else.

 

[okidoke]

Okay, I was going to let it go when it was just one person saying it, but now there's two. There are several single parents here, me included. It's not about parents being together, it's about parents being parents. A woman can be a mother and a man can be a father, etc, etc. They don't have to be together for that. Prime example is my children. One of my kids idolizes his father, the other resents him. Why? Well, because my ex is only a father to one of my children. (Yes, they are both his).

More power to you, really. I wasn't implying anything negative at single parents and their abilities to raise kids. I've had to deal with plenty of domestics and child removals as a cop where there were two parents present. It was just a decision I wanted to make for my own reasons and I believe it turned out good for my own kids. As George Costanza once said, "I was the result of my parents staying together", which I mirror, so I wanted a better environment for my own kids, which it still wasn't in some ways due to my depression and PTSD, but I worked on it and it turned out okay. As a team, my wife and I showed our kids some great things which I can see has benefited them in many ways. I'm so proud of them the way they deal with life's challenges. They are miles ahead of me at the same age, and I tell them that too.

And even if one of the parents isn't in the picture, that doesn't mean kids can't grow up to be perfectly functioning and happy. All that is just an excuse, because in the end, kids are going to be who THEY want to be. Their upbringing doesn't matter, they have a choice, just like everyone else.

To an extent that is true, but kids learn a great deal of behavioural patterns from their parents, which molds their character and the way they deal with things. Where there is only one parent on the scene, certain interactions are not observed and they have to learn to navigate those, which isn't always easy depending where they're getting their inspiration from.

 

[user 135671]

Adults should be making decisions for themselves, not putting up with crap relationships and then implying that they only did it for the child’s benefit, because the implication then is that the adult has sacrificed their happiness for that of the child, which in effect makes the child responsible for their parent’s misery.

That's not fair, people.

I made the decision to break our family up not just for my sake, but for that of my child.

I wanted her to grow up with the strength and emotional intelligence to know when to say ‘enough is enough’ and to extricate herself sensibly and kindly from a situation that isn’t doing anyone any good.

 

[okidoke]

Adults should be making decisions for themselves, not putting up with crap relationships and then implying that they only did it for the child’s benefit, because the implication then is that the adult has sacrificed their happiness for that of the child, which in effect makes the child responsible for their parent’s misery..................

I resent that implication. I'm not suggesting I'd have been happier if I left my marriage and I have NEVER given my kids the impression that they were to blame for my unhappiness.

Do you have kids?

 

[user 135671]

Do you have kids?

Did you read the entirety of my post?

 

[TheRealCallie]

To an extent that is true, but kids learn a great deal of behavioural patterns from their parents, which molds their character and the way they deal with things. Where there is only one parent on the scene, certain interactions are not observed and they have to learn to navigate those, which isn't always easy depending where they're getting their inspiration from.

But the same can happen even if parents are together, depending on what type of parents they are. I know plenty of people who "stayed together for the kids" and their kids are ******** because their parents fought all the time. It was a toxic relationship and they saw that and mirrored it. So yeah, like I said, it's not about whether your parents are together or not, it's about what kind of parent you are, both individually and together, regardless of whether you have one household or two.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hell, I know plenty of people who are no good ******** who had parents that were together and happily married. Rich, poor, together, divorced, whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is the path the CHILD chooses to go down. You can instill all the morals and values you want, but in the end, it's THEIR decision.

 

[okidoke]

Did you read the entirety of my post?

yeah sorry did, but when i was venting i forgot that bit when I edited my post. well, you made your decision I made mind, but I didn't make any inferences about your choice so don't do it to me. the important thing is that the kids turn out okay.

Hell, I know plenty of people who are no good ******** who had parents that were together and happily married. Rich, poor, together, divorced, whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is the path the CHILD chooses to go down. You can instill all the morals and values you want, but in the end, it's THEIR decision.

Yes, I'm aware it's their choice, but they often base their smart decisions on the good things they see their parents do.

I don't want to argue about this folks. I made my choice for my own reasons and it was a good choice. I don't care what other people do. I really, REALLY, don't give a **** what they do with their life choices as long as it doesn't negatively impact me or my family.

 

[user 135671]

nm

 

[kinzeUK]

Last night alone. I booked the test to get my learners license yesterday. Have until the 15th to study. The lady tried to convince me to study before I book it, and I had to admit that I've been doing it that way for 14 years lol. Thought perhaps I'll perform better under a time crunch.

...that was something else I forgot to add; I have my driving test this April and I REALLY want to be test-ready for it. I've spent countless £££ and a huge amount of hours learning on and off and I just want to be able to get to the finish line and cross over it.

Best of luck to you Abs, I really hope you do it!

 

[4No1]

Talking about single parents... I'm a bit worried about my kid, I've read that statistics is that more single parent's kids have problems, mostly because of the financial problems and a lack of time I guess. Sometimes I feel that because of it like I need to try harder to keep my child out of trouble.
And that keeps bothering me a bit, my kid was the only one in a class from a single family in a few schools, and in one they asked me smth like 5 times, if I was sure I wasn't not married(I wonder is there a way not to be sure if you are married or not.... like he is a captain... a sea captain, a cosmic sea captain, traveling to other galaxies for so long ago, so I forget he exists?).
I rarely meet single parents in my life, most children have both parents. It's good of course, but makes me feel we are completely wrong. In fact irl I only know one divorced couple with a child.

In my country if the parents don't live together, the family is disfunctional(and that means the social services have to control it, fortunatelly they mostly don't care). When my kid went to a kindergarten I need to get some medical papers, so a woman, filling the forms, asked me if our family was OK. I didn't know it wasn't Neither I knew that infromation had to be put in a medical documentation. A woman was really angry with me when she asked smth about kid's farther and I couldn't answer . "But I've already written you have a functional family, what should I do now?". I suggested she could add "dis". When a few years later I got the papers for school, I didn't want them to be angry, so I said to a lady there "don't write we are normal, we are disfunctional", she was really astonished got very funny face of fear and suprise and asked smth like "does someone drink?"... for some reason it was normal for school to be a single parent. You never know what they want from you.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Talking about single parents... I'm a bit worried about my kid, I've read that statistics is that more single parent's kids have problems, mostly because of the financial problems and a lack of time I guess. Sometimes I feel that because of it like I need to try harder to keep my child out of trouble.
And that keeps bothering me a bit, my kid was the only one in a class from a single family in a few schools, and in one they asked me smth like 5 times, if I was sure I wasn't not married(I wonder is there a way not to be sure if you are married or not.... like he is a captain... a sea captain, a cosmic sea captain, traveling to other galaxies for so long ago, so I forget he exists?).
I rarely meet single parents in my life, most children have both parents. It's good of course, but makes me feel we are completely wrong. In fact irl I only know one divorced couple with a child.

In my country if the parents don't live together, the family is disfunctional(and that means the social services have to control it, fortunatelly they mostly don't care). When my kid went to a kindergarten I need to get some medical papers, so a woman, filling the forms, asked me if our family was OK. I didn't know it wasn't Neither I knew that infromation had to be put in a medical documentation. A woman was really angry with me when she asked smth about kid's farther and I couldn't answer . "But I've already written you have a functional family, what should I do now?". I suggested she could add "dis". When a few years later I got the papers for school, I didn't want them to be angry, so I said to a lady there "don't write we are normal, we are disfunctional", she was really astonished got very funny face of fear and suprise and asked smth like "does someone drink?"... for some reason it was normal for school to be a single parent. You never know what they want from you.

It's pretty common in America. I think almost half of babies are born to unmarried mothers. And half of children will have their parents divorce. I really don't understand the big deal. Most people WANT their children to have both parents, but **** happens and that's not always possible.

I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job with your kid. It sounds like it when you talk about things here.

 

[user 135671]

Talking about single parents... I'm a bit worried about my kid, I've read that statistics is that more single parent's kids have problems, mostly because of the financial problems and a lack of time I guess. Sometimes I feel that because of it like I need to try harder to keep my child out of trouble.
And that keeps bothering me a bit, my kid was the only one in a class from a single family in a few schools, and in one they asked me smth like 5 times, if I was sure I wasn't not married(I wonder is there a way not to be sure if you are married or not.... like he is a captain... a sea captain, a cosmic sea captain, traveling to other galaxies for so long ago, so I forget he exists?).
I rarely meet single parents in my life, most children have both parents. It's good of course, but makes me feel we are completely wrong. In fact irl I only know one divorced couple with a child.

In my country if the parents don't live together, the family is disfunctional(and that means the social services have to control it, fortunatelly they mostly don't care). When my kid went to a kindergarten I need to get some medical papers, so a woman, filling the forms, asked me if our family was OK. I didn't know it wasn't Neither I knew that infromation had to be put in a medical documentation. A woman was really angry with me when she asked smth about kid's farther and I couldn't answer . "But I've already written you have a functional family, what should I do now?". I suggested she could add "dis". When a few years later I got the papers for school, I didn't want them to be angry, so I said to a lady there "don't write we are normal, we are disfunctional", she was really astonished got very funny face of fear and suprise and asked smth like "does someone drink?"... for some reason it was normal for school to be a single parent. You never know what they want from you.

I laughed because peoples attitudes are funny, it's them with the problem not you. I think you're kid will be alright it's obvious from some of your other posts you love her very much and she is always at the top of your list of priorities. You're raising her to the best of your ability and I guess that's all any of us can do.