Why can’t I get along with women?

[Triple Bogey]

You two get how depressing this can be. I guess it doesn't matter what sort of person she is underneath; whether she really is cold and judgemental (which is actually better because it means I'm not to blame and shouldn't care), wary, or to what degree I contributed to the outcome. It doesn't change a thing now.

Back in 2004 I worked in an office doing mindless clerical duties, still studying. I met this other part-timer there, we had a mutual friend and we were just folding graduation certificates and could talk over it. We got on great, clicked, she asked heaps of questions which is a good sign and actually said how nice it was to talk. But the next day I must have come across aloof, didn't smile or something and that was it. The following few months we never really spoke again except for a few times I tried to initiate. She just wouldn't budge, rudely got up and left when I sat near her in the break one day. Despite this we seemed to have quite a bit in common, which made it all the more maddening at the time. That was the first example I can remember really bothering me and ever since it's like the "familiar pattern" on repeat, not in every instance, but frequently enough to make me acutely self-conscious. It never gets to the stage of familiarity where my 'type', whatever that is, becomes the issue, it's more to do with a nervous demeanor women hate. I don't have enough personality to be a 'type'.

I'll try and take the advice and become indifferent to her. There's a "why does it need to be this way?" grasping at straws frustration that needs to be overcome in the process.

Is it best to stop saying hello altogether?

if somebody is rude then don't say 'hello' to them.

On a few occasions the exact opposite as happened with me. I have had some stinking arguments with women at work. And they don't talk for a few weeks but it then all gets forgotten about.

Even this year when this lass was having marriage problems. I said the wrong thing to the wrong person and of course what I said (plus extras that I didn't) got passed on and when this woman came back she hated me. She kept giving me horrible looks and wouldn't speak. It went on for 3 weeks. I never said anything to her. I didn't ask what was wrong. When I had to talk (work related), I was polite to her.

After awhile, I just started talking as normal. I asked her something, was ultra nice and she replied and we had a chat. After that it soon got back to normal. Now she is nice to me and we chat and have a laugh. So I get second chances, it's not like one bad mistake is it. I find that happens with most people.

 

[ardour]

I've started to realize how much of this is my fault. This evening at the tutorial I must have inadvertently offended someone again, an older women married with kids. A really friendly, get along with everyone type of person. We had talked previously, swapped references, but I must have frowned or looked aggressive tonight when I spoke in group, and afterwards as we left and I asked her about how the assignment went I could feel the tension - she seemed nervous, wouldn't look at me and was obviously glad to say goodbye. This is not a cliquey, snobby early 20s socialite, but a normal nice person. Then it hit me, I am the problem, not others. I was still preoccupied with thoughts about this girl at work and the bitterness must have shown through.

I hate my features, I hate the scowl, it's ruined anything I could have had. It's so hard to overcome now, the more I think about the worse it is. I can't even apologize to those around me because the very act of doing so would make them extremely uncomfortable and mark me out as someone as a stalker. I haven't slept properly in weeks worrying about this, what lies ahead. So tired that skin is flaking off my face...

 

[VanillaCreme]

Then it hit me, I am the problem, not others. I was still preoccupied with thoughts about this girl at work and the bitterness must have shown through.

It's always us. It's always our own. Not because everyone else is right. But because we are to control ourselves. To steer our attitude towards something worthwhile. We manage ourselves, discipline ourselves, not others.

 

[ardour]

When my mother's condition suddenly worsened back in 2011, we were in hospital and when we finally got the news from the doctor one of the nurses kept staring at me and frowning. Later she asked a few questions since I was going to be taking care of her when I wasn't at work, then commented how "really pissed off" I looked in this affronted tone and stormed off. I thought it strange, how was I supposed to look - happy and relaxed having heard my mother was going to die? People just can't help but notice and react. About the only woman in my life who's consistently positive about me is my Aunt, and that's partially because she couldn't have children and I think I'm sort of a substitute... For others my appearance and awkward manner is always an 'issue'.

 

[jjessea]

Notes From Underground

Librivox Audiobook

Recorded Books Version*

*The Recorded Books version is the best.
George Guidall is the best narrator for this story, IMO.​

 

[ardour]

Not sure if that's supposed to imply I'm some sort of neurotic misfit.

 

[jjessea]

It's not. Just a good book. I ******* love that book. Thought you'd enjoy it.

 

[Triple Bogey]

When my mother's condition suddenly worsened back in 2011, we were in hospital and when we finally got the news from the doctor one of the nurses kept staring at me and frowning. Later she asked a few questions since I was going to be taking care of her when I wasn't at work, then commented how "really pissed off" I looked in this affronted tone and stormed off. I thought it strange, how was I supposed to look - happy and relaxed having heard my mother was going to die? People just can't help but notice and react. About the only woman in my life who's consistently positive about me is my Aunt, and that's partially because she couldn't have children and I think I'm sort of a substitute... For others my appearance and awkward manner is always an 'issue'.

I have a similar story. I had to go into hospital when I was 21 to have this operation on my back. All the doctors and nurses just kept looking at me really strange and saying 'what's up ?' all the time. I was worried of course having to go into hospital. But yeah endless comments from people for some reason.

 

[ardour]

Okay I stopped saying hello/goodbye after I got a not-so-subtle look of contempt from her last week. Then Friday she says goodbye in my direction as she's leaving. Why? Can someone explain that??

I bet tomorrow if I say hello again I'll see the same averted gaze, blank-faced passive aggressive response. I just want things to be pleasant, pleasant enough, because she could be here for months to come.

 

[Solivagant]

Okay I stopped saying hello/goodbye after I got a not-so-subtle look of contempt from her last week. Then Friday she says goodbye in my direction as she's leaving. Why? Can someone explain that??

I bet tomorrow if I say hello again I'll see the same averted gaze, blank-faced passive aggressive response. I just want things to be pleasant, pleasant enough, because she could be here for months to come.

Problem is that you can't possibly know why. You can speculate, but there are so many reasons this could be happening that it's just impossible to know, and honestly, a waste of time to play guessing games. I wouldn't even try to explain it.

If I were you I'd stop trying to figure out her motivations and stop putting effort into conversation with her. If she greets you you can return the greeting or wave. If she engages you in conversation you can converse if you wish, otherwise I'd just leave her alone completely. Respond but don't initiate. That is enough to keep things civil.

 

[ardour]

Okay I stopped saying hello/goodbye after I got a not-so-subtle look of contempt from her last week. Then Friday she says goodbye in my direction as she's leaving. Why? Can someone explain that??

I bet tomorrow if I say hello again I'll see the same averted gaze, blank-faced passive aggressive response. I just want things to be pleasant, pleasant enough, because she could be here for months to come.

Problem is that you can't possibly know why. You can speculate, but there are so many reasons this could be happening that it's just impossible to know, and honestly, a waste of time to play guessing games. I wouldn't even try to explain it.

If I were you I'd stop trying to figure out her motivations and stop putting effort into conversation with her. If she greets you you can return the greeting or wave. If she engages you in conversation you can converse if you wish, otherwise I'd just leave her alone completely. Respond but don't initiate. That is enough to keep things civil.

Done, but part of me doesn't want to accept that as the outcome. Maybe it's symbolic of worthlessness as I tried to explain earlier, or because we were on reasonably positive terms at one stage and it seems a shame to end this way.

EDIT; 'why' is kind of stupid thing to ask, just thought some women here might have had a few ideas. But it's futile..

 

[Triple Bogey]

Okay I stopped saying hello/goodbye after I got a not-so-subtle look of contempt from her last week. Then Friday she says goodbye in my direction as she's leaving. Why? Can someone explain that??

I bet tomorrow if I say hello again I'll see the same averted gaze, blank-faced passive aggressive response. I just want things to be pleasant, pleasant enough, because she could be here for months to come.

You shouldn't even be thinking about it. Why does it matter ?
Loads of people at my work (women included) say 'Hello' sometimes but not all the time. Some say 'goodbye' but not all the time.

I don't let it bother me, people are moody. Some days they are friendly, some days they are not.

 

[Legato]

I'd just say hello, goodbye to everyone.

Makes me happy doing it. Not too fussed if people don't respond. If it strikes up a conversation due to being polite to them, then great. If not, then it's not really a big issue.

Least you've tried.

I like the idea that a simple smile, or hello/goodbye can make others smile/happy. That's what I aim for. I know it puts a smile on my face when people do the same for me...


..maybe I'm just easily pleased though ^_^

 

[Triple Bogey]

even if I say 'hello' to somebody and they completely blank me, I don't hold a grudge. I don't make a big deal of it. The next day I may try again.
Most of the time they say 'hello'

My rule is if someone says 'hello' to me I say 'hello' back. Always done that.

 

[Legato]

Agreed. The only thing I really hate is if I hold the door open for someone and they don't thank me. Good manners is a big thing to me. Won't stop me from doing it again, but I may mutter mean words inside my head

 

[ardour]

I'd just say hello, goodbye to everyone.

I like to too, but the situation is different here. The only reason to continue is to make her realize how petty she is... which is kind of petty in itself though. There;s verse in the Bible speaks about heaping coal on the heads of your enemies with kindness and forgiveness etc.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I'd just say hello, goodbye to everyone.

I like to too, but the situation is different here. The only reason to continue is to make her realize how petty she is... which is kind of petty in itself though. There;s verse in the Bible speaks about heaping coal on the heads of your enemies with kindness and forgiveness etc.

Like the Skipper says....
[video=youtube]

 

[DeadSun]

I read the first and sixth page, sorry if I missed anything important in between.

If you really wanna know why she's being like this just ask her what her problem is. And I mean ask it like that, seem annoyed like you have no idea where this sudden hostility is coming from (which you don't.) I'm not saying yell or cuss or intimidate her, just come off as annoyed and don't try to be overly nice. The reason I say that is you don't want to seem like you're hitting on her/ like you're a stalker, and you don't want to seem like a doormat either (and one of the reasons she's acting weird could be she thought you were hitting on her or something and you don't want to be overly nice and seem overly interested to reaffirm whatever ideas she may have.) So basically just talk to her like you would to some guy who started acting weird all of a sudden.

But honestly if she's acting this weird out of nowhere I'd just avoid her if I were you, it seems like she's the one with the problem. It's usually better to just let go and move on if someone suddenly seems totally disinterested and/or hostile/crazy. (like running ahead when she sees you and taking the stairs to avoid you for no reason.)

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd just say hello, goodbye to everyone.

I like to too, but the situation is different here. The only reason to continue is to make her realize how petty she is... which is kind of petty in itself though. There;s verse in the Bible speaks about heaping coal on the heads of your enemies with kindness and forgiveness etc.

Don't cast the rest of Legato's advice to the side. There was more to their post, yet you seem to only pay attention to what suited you most. Lovely advice, I might add.

 

[ardour]

Tuesday I met a couple of friends at a bar near work and she walks in with her boyfriend. I waved, and of course they changed tables so they're out of sight. Expected. But later on as they're leaving she taps me on the shoulder and asks if it's my birthday (I brought some office snacks to work that day,) says goodbye in a friendly manner.

I made an attempt at some innocuous conversation today to do with that, but it was awkward and I could see her face drop as she turned away. Just walks right out the door again without saying goodbye.

And little annoying things like - her hand is bandaged up, other's have asked about. When she had to speak to me about work she hides her hand behind her back as if she didn't want me to ask.

I have all the answers I can expect. This person thinks I'm a creep. Best to forget it.