Beginning to feel suicidal

[user 139760]

Also, just a side note, it's also to be considered not "importing" someone, but actually moving to said someone's country as well. If you find the right person, keeping options on the rable is better than off of it.
I was talking to my ex just now about a mutual friend we have, one of her ex boyfriends. He was an okay guy, my girls saw him as an uncle. Years ago, he started talking to a lady in a local beauty shop who was from Thailand and she mentioned her daughter was single and looking and that they could introduce them via internet. Lady had been living here well over 10 years, girl was still in Thailand. They FaceTimed and hit itboff. He spent tens of thousands of dollars making semi regular trips there, they actually got wed over there. The initial plan was to get her here, but he bumped his head on the Fed government. They legit thought it was just a scam for her to get in. Last I bumped into him was several years ago at the immigration bureau downtown, hd was at his FOURTH attempt. He told me it was the last one, he was set to pack his bags and move there.
I learned he recently came back however and they are divorcing. He was a nice guy, but sadly, had a few demons in him thar ultimatwly caused the rift it seemed. However, it had nothing to do with immigration, or "Westernization" or what not as she's still over there and apparently not planning to get here.
So, you know, just goes to show you it's not always a scam. Another friend of mine imported his own American lol. They have 4 or something kids and have been married something like 20 years. Yet Alabama to Montreal was a helluva stretch lol.
My point is...never close yourself to possibility.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

So you only want to find women who want to screw you? You just want to sow your wild oats to prove you can? To be seen as more "manly" whether to yourself or to others? I'm not looking for "the one" right now either, but that doesn't mean I'd turn him away if I found him.

But seriously, with how easy it is to travel and the internet, I don't think you should be insulted at all just because some other people found women to date and/or marry. Divorce rates are through the roof for a reason. Relationships don't always work, a lot of people settle, a lot of people realize they made a mistake (some of whom are afraid to admit it). Just because people have partners doesn't mean they are happy. And even if these people are you friends/family, it doesn't mean that you will know. Relationships behind the scenes are not usually as good as they look in public.

So, there's a lot of assumptions going on, and I suppose that's something of a current problem here, we project ourselves onto other people, and get annoyed when reality doesn't match up. In this thread, I have consistently said that I would like to be found attractive by more people than zero, and others have seen that and responded with "You'll find The One when the time is right!" and "Tinder is for hookups, you don't want that!" which is your projection onto me, not something I've said.

That's not me saying I just want endless one night stands with models, that's just unrealistic. What is equally unrealistic, is the idea that I'm going to marry the first and only woman to give me a chance. That just doesn't happen, or at least it doesn't work in the long term.

I look at any of my friends who are happy; they start in teenage years, they meet someone and go on a few dates, maybe it works out, maybe they date someone else. They have a relationship with that person for a while, it ends, they find someone else. They spend their early 20s going abroad with their partners, weekends away, just enjoying each other's company without the worldly responsibilities of children or mortgages. Eventually, after being with several people, they find a relationship that feels better than any, and they marry, then have children if they want them etc.

That's what I want, just to be allowed to explore being in relationships, what everyone else was given in their teen and 20s years. I don't want to skip all the fun stages and head straight for marriage, and I think that's completely reasonable. So yeah, I would take a one night stand, or a couple of dates with one person, or a relationship that's only going to last a year. Just some basic validation that someone out there can look at me and think "he's not bad", yet when I try to put this across to people, you're awfully surprised that I don't want to mail order a Filipino woman to arrive on my doorstep and be my wife.

sorry you’re right, this is what I was trying to ask… why not?

I really feel like I've covered this now, and any further attempt will just be repetitions of the points I've made. I want to explore my options in dating, well first I'd like to have some options in dating, I don't want to go straight to being tied down with a wife and a mortgage. I want to have someone be attracted to me, and with an escort or mail order bride, the financial transaction would not make me feel desired as a human being. It would also make me feel like a failure, as I remain unable to find anyone to want me, without there being a financial incentive.

Really, I've said no, and I'm not going to answer any more questions as to why I don't want a mail order bride.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So, there's a lot of assumptions going on

No, see, the entire point of question marks is that they are questions, not assumptions. I'm asking you if that's what you're looking for.
The only reason I said to get rid of Tinder is because it's based 99.9% on looks. You may not be ugly, but even average guys are going to have trouble on that site. I never once said you "didn't want that."
And I know several people who married their first love, their first real partner, they are still going strong. I never once said to marry the first girl you met, but you should be open to meeting "the one" whether it's your first or your hundredth, because quite honestly, you never know when you are going to meet that person. Also, I don't buy into that "soulmate," "one perfect match for each person" stuff. I don't believe that's how it works. There's love, plain and simple. If everything else matches up, it will work for as long as they both want it to work.
You've already said you can't find anyone who finds you attractive where you live, so I don't see the big deal in branching out and looking in other areas. Sure, maybe you have to travel a bit to have a date, but so **** what? A date doesn't mean you have to marry her. Start an hour or so away and work your way up. Make plans to travel and see if you can find someone nice to show you around the area. Like I said before, think OUTSIDE the box.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

So, there's a lot of assumptions going on, and I suppose that's something of a current problem here, we project ourselves onto other people, and get annoyed when reality doesn't match up. In this thread, I have consistently said that I would like to be found attractive by more people than zero, and others have seen that and responded with "You'll find The One when the time is right!" and "Tinder is for hookups, you don't want that!" which is your projection onto me, not something I've said.

That's not me saying I just want endless one night stands with models, that's just unrealistic. What is equally unrealistic, is the idea that I'm going to marry the first and only woman to give me a chance. That just doesn't happen, or at least it doesn't work in the long term.

I look at any of my friends who are happy; they start in teenage years, they meet someone and go on a few dates, maybe it works out, maybe they date someone else. They have a relationship with that person for a while, it ends, they find someone else. They spend their early 20s going abroad with their partners, weekends away, just enjoying each other's company without the worldly responsibilities of children or mortgages. Eventually, after being with several people, they find a relationship that feels better than any, and they marry, then have children if they want them etc.

That's what I want, just to be allowed to explore being in relationships, what everyone else was given in their teen and 20s years. I don't want to skip all the fun stages and head straight for marriage, and I think that's completely reasonable. So yeah, I would take a one night stand, or a couple of dates with one person, or a relationship that's only going to last a year. Just some basic validation that someone out there can look at me and think "he's not bad", yet when I try to put this across to people, you're awfully surprised that I don't want to mail order a Filipino woman to arrive on my doorstep and be my wife.

I really feel like I've covered this now, and any further attempt will just be repetitions of the points I've made. I want to explore my options in dating, well first I'd like to have some options in dating, I don't want to go straight to being tied down with a wife and a mortgage. I want to have someone be attracted to me, and with an escort or mail order bride, the financial transaction would not make me feel desired as a human being. It would also make me feel like a failure, as I remain unable to find anyone to want me, without there being a financial incentive.

Really, I've said no, and I'm not going to answer any more questions as to why I don't want a mail order bride.

No no I understand I was just clarifying my question as you was right it didn't make sense prior. Happy hunting

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

No, see, the entire point of question marks is that they are questions, not assumptions. I'm asking you if that's what you're looking for.
The only reason I said to get rid of Tinder is because it's based 99.9% on looks. You may not be ugly, but even average guys are going to have trouble on that site. I never once said you "didn't want that."
And I know several people who married their first love, their first real partner, they are still going strong. I never once said to marry the first girl you met, but you should be open to meeting "the one" whether it's your first or your hundredth, because quite honestly, you never know when you are going to meet that person. Also, I don't buy into that "soulmate," "one perfect match for each person" stuff. I don't believe that's how it works. There's love, plain and simple. If everything else matches up, it will work for as long as they both want it to work.
You've already said you can't find anyone who finds you attractive where you live, so I don't see the big deal in branching out and looking in other areas. Sure, maybe you have to travel a bit to have a date, but so **** what? A date doesn't mean you have to marry her. Start an hour or so away and work your way up. Make plans to travel and see if you can find someone nice to show you around the area. Like I said before, think OUTSIDE the box.

I see, well I genuinely hope I've described what I'm looking for in enough terms. I'm not accusing you specifically, but some people do seem to deal in absolutes; as soon as I mention that I don't want to jump straight into a relationship that will last the rest of my life, people jump to the assumption that I only want hookups, and don't really consider the canyon of possibilities between those two extreme ends of the spectrum.

Sure, Tinder is mostly looks, but then most dating sites have adopted that model, you see a photo of that person first, and realistically you're only going to get to the bio section if you like what you see in the photo. It's not that much different to a completely cold approach to someone in a bar, they know nothing about you other than what you look like, and will react accordingly. Granted, dating apps do seem to suck when you're ugly, the widespread net is so huge that I'd be foolish to delete them. I've set my distance range to fairly wide, and I do go to different parts of the country fairly regularly, and I get called ugly there as well, I don't think my problem is specific to the city I live in.

 

[user 135671]

Have you considered seeking professional help?, talking with a therapist may well help you determine why you feel unattractive and how to overcome these feelings.

 

[Unsigned]

Have you considered seeking professional help?, talking with a therapist may well help you determine why you feel unattractive and how to overcome these feelings.

Have you seen one?
If so, how many did you see before you found one that was helpful?
I saw two in the past.
The first one in 2004 and he was decent.
The second in 2016 and he was useless, and he more than double the cost of the first!

 

[TheRealCallie]

Have you seen one?
If so, how many did you see before you found one that was helpful?
I saw two in the past.
The first one in 2004 and he was decent.
The second in 2016 and he was useless, and he more than double the cost of the first!

My kid has been to over a dozen. Two were okay, one was perfect and the rest were honeysuckle. It's kind of like bras. You can wear one that doesn't fit you well, sure, but once you find the one that fits you perfectly, you will feel like a million bucks.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Have you considered seeking professional help?, talking with a therapist may well help you determine why you feel unattractive and how to overcome these feelings.

I feel I should clear something up here; it's not that I feel unattractive, it's that I'm seen as physically unattractive by others. Believe it or not, I think I'm somewhere near 'average', but then when you get to your 30s without anybody being attracted to you, it certainly doesn't sound 'average' to me. Really though, before I leave the house I check the mirror, and genuinely am content with what I see.

As far as therapy goes, I'm not dead-set against it, I just don't see how this would benefit me in solving this particular problem.

 

[Unsigned]

Believe it or not, I think I'm somewhere near 'average', but then when you get to your 30s without anybody being attracted to you, it certainly doesn't sound 'average' to me

I'm near 60 and I really haven't gotten the impression that female I find attractive have ever been attracted to me.
But as I admitted on the "flirting" thread, when I look back, I have had a few girls flirt with me over the years, and it was my own issues that prevented me from reciprocating.
Maybe give therapy a try?
You don't want to end up like me. Because I can see now that maybe I could have had a better life, if not for my own issues and rigidity.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

I'm near 60 and I really haven't gotten the impression that female I find attractive have ever been attracted to me.
But as I admitted on the "flirting" thread, when I look back, I have had a few girls flirt with me over the years, and it was my own issues that prevented me from reciprocating.
Maybe give therapy a try?
You don't want to end up like me. Because I can see now that maybe I could have had a better life, if not for my own issues and rigidity.

Sorry, I genuinely didn't see the notification you'd replied!

Really sorry to hear about your issues, at least you've taken steps to recognise them, and even at near 60 there's time to turn it around.

As for myself, nobody's ever really given me a concise answer as to how therapy would help in this particular scenario. I would be paying 200-300 a month to continue to live in a world where I'm seen as ugly & unwanted, but I'd... feel better about it?

 

[Unsigned]

As for myself, nobody's ever really given me a concise answer as to how therapy would help in this particular scenario. I would be paying 200-300 a month to continue to live in a world where I'm seen as ugly & unwanted, but I'd... feel better about it?

Feeling better about yourself may be a big help, though.
I really can't say for sure, but maybe if I had felt better about myself at a young age my life would have been better.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Feeling better about yourself may be a big help, though.
I really can't say for sure, but maybe if I had felt better about myself at a young age my life would have been better.

Again, I'm just not seeing how. I felt good in myself for many many years, even day-to-day I can still feel good about myself. That's all fluffy and all, but doesn't really do anything to change the situation.

 

[TheRealCallie]

. I would be paying 200-300 a month to continue to live in a world where I'm seen as ugly & unwanted, but I'd... feel better about it?

Does insurance not cover that over there?

But okay, therapy is off the table for you. How about moving? Maybe you'd have a better experience somewhere else. Or maybe even just vacation somewhere first and see if you get a different reaction.
You don't think you are ugly, it sounds like several people here don't think you are ugly, so it has to be the people you are around, right?

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you're considering throwing it all away anyway, what's the harm is losing a bit of money and/or taking a chance somewhere else?

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Does insurance not cover that over there?

But okay, therapy is off the table for you. How about moving? Maybe you'd have a better experience somewhere else. Or maybe even just vacation somewhere first and see if you get a different reaction.
You don't think you are ugly, it sounds like several people here don't think you are ugly, so it has to be the people you are around, right?

Sadly not, at least not without hefty waiting times. On my own money, it's around 50-75 per session at a minimum. Like I said, I'm not dead set against therapy, I've just not seen a convincing argument for it other than "but you'll feel better about it".

I would not say this is a localised problem for me. I've been mocked for being ugly in different cities, countries and continents. I am very fond of the roots I've put down since I've moved here, the friends I've made and the communities I've joined. It's not a small area either, 150K people with a large young population. So far there is nothing to convince me that leaving my job, packing up and leaving all the people I love behind, for a vague promise of "maybe someone in a different city will find me attractive" is a worthwhile pursuit.

 

[Brian Alban]

I've posted in this forum a few times, largely about the same topic. In short, in 30, I'm renting with a decent job (engineer), I've got several hobbies that are filled with single people my own age, I have a muscular physique due to weight training, and yet I just can't get any woman to be interested in me. The chief 'block' appears to be my face, as I am called out for being ugly pretty regularly. I don't think I'm awful, somewhere around average, but then, does the average man make it to 30 without a single woman wanting to be with him? I have had a couple of one-night-stands years ago (2014-2015) but these people were very drunk every time, and wanted nothing to do with me the next day.

So as this builds up, all I really think about is killing myself. I just don't see what else there is for me in life. I love my friends and my hobbies, but my friends all have their happy families to go back to, and I'm just me. I spend New Years alone, then Valentine's Day alone, then my birthday alone, then it's Summer and everyone's having acrobatic sex abroad, then I spend Christmas alone, and then repeat.

So far, I put myself off the idea because I don't want to upset my friends. But frankly I just don't see how spending another 40 years repeating this is worthwhile, all just so I can see my friends on evenings and weekends. I don't know what to do, I just know that this feeling isn't going to go away, and over time I'm concerned that my desire to no longer live in a world where I'm ugly & unwanted, will eventually overtake my desire to not upset my friends.

Beginning to feel suicidal? Wow, you have friends? Try being middle aged and having absolutely no one. I'm far from beginning.

I've posted in this forum a few times, largely about the same topic. In short, in 30, I'm renting with a decent job (engineer), I've got several hobbies that are filled with single people my own age, I have a muscular physique due to weight training, and yet I just can't get any woman to be interested in me. The chief 'block' appears to be my face, as I am called out for being ugly pretty regularly. I don't think I'm awful, somewhere around average, but then, does the average man make it to 30 without a single woman wanting to be with him? I have had a couple of one-night-stands years ago (2014-2015) but these people were very drunk every time, and wanted nothing to do with me the next day.

So as this builds up, all I really think about is killing myself. I just don't see what else there is for me in life. I love my friends and my hobbies, but my friends all have their happy families to go back to, and I'm just me. I spend New Years alone, then Valentine's Day alone, then my birthday alone, then it's Summer and everyone's having acrobatic sex abroad, then I spend Christmas alone, and then repeat.

So far, I put myself off the idea because I don't want to upset my friends. But frankly I just don't see how spending another 40 years repeating this is worthwhile, all just so I can see my friends on evenings and weekends. I don't know what to do, I just know that this feeling isn't going to go away, and over time I'm concerned that my desire to no longer live in a world where I'm ugly & unwanted, will eventually overtake my desire to not upset my friends.

beginning to feel suicidal? You have friends? You're 30? Wish I had your problems. Try being middle aged and having no one, no friends no nothing. I'm far from beginning.

 

[ringwood]

Sadly not, at least not without hefty waiting times. On my own money, it's around 50-75 per session at a minimum. Like I said, I'm not dead set against therapy, I've just not seen a convincing argument for it other than "but you'll feel better about it".

I would not say this is a localised problem for me. I've been mocked for being ugly in different cities, countries and continents. I am very fond of the roots I've put down since I've moved here, the friends I've made and the communities I've joined. It's not a small area either, 150K people with a large young population. So far there is nothing to convince me that leaving my job, packing up and leaving all the people I love behind, for a vague promise of "maybe someone in a different city will find me attractive" is a worthwhile pursuit.

So the therapy issue. I agree with you in the sense that seeing a counsellor to help you feel "better" is kind of pointless since you already feel good about yourself and this isn't your issue - it's how other people seem to see you. In that regard, I wonder if part of the problem is not so much physical looks, but moreso mannerisms or some kind of behavior that is off-putting to others? Perhaps a neutral, unbiased person could help in pinpointing some of those things (if they even exist - I don't know. I'm really grasping at straws here)?

 

[TheRealCallie]

(if they even exist - I don't know. I'm really grasping at straws here)

I said the same thing. I don't know, maybe a life coach or even a dating coach or something could help with that? An etiquette teacher, perhaps? I have no idea who you would go to for that, but there has to be someone. There's something for everything.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Beginning to feel suicidal? Wow, you have friends? Try being middle aged and having absolutely no one. I'm far from beginning.

beginning to feel suicidal? You have friends? You're 30? Wish I had your problems. Try being middle aged and having no one, no friends no nothing. I'm far from beginning.

Just because the grass appears greener on the other side doesn't mean there aren't issues that cause people to struggle tremendously. That grass could be filled with fire ants and rattle snakes. Life isn't a competition, what one person can handle well, the next person may not. It's not fair to anyone to compare circumstances when you haven't walked in their shoes.