Don't want sympathy...!

[AspiringCatLady]

So.. now i've reached the stage in my life where I feel i've got to be realistic about what's ever going to be achievable on the dating front - and i've come to the conclusion that I can't be doing with the stress of a relationship again and just want to be happy on my own.

A bit of background for you - first boyfriend was a narcissist and cheated on me badly (he was my first love), I was then engaged to somebody who felt more like my brother in the end so I called off the wedding, then I met another guy who just turned out to be so boring I was irritated by everything he did (though somehow we managed to have a son together) and the last one, well.. he was just an absoloute nightmare. I've had counselling and have been trying to work out why i'm attracted to such terrible people and I know it's from my family of origin. If i'm doomed to be attracted to nutjobs I would rather be single. So this is how i've come to my present state of mind.

So what annoys me is that if you tell someone you've decided to stay single, why do they automatically come back with the usual cliche's about 'Ooh you'll meet him when you least expect it' and 'don't give up yet' etc etc. Why can't people take me seriously!! I've CHOSEN TO STAY SINGLE for god's sake why can't they respect that? I'm 40 this year and I have no time or patience for fakes or blokes messing me around. They are the types I seem to attract!! Giving up on any dreams I had of getting married blah blah is a blessed relief!! So now I can concentrate on me! Life isn't much harder as a single parent as it was when I was with a partner, but at least I don't have some ******* telling me i'm fat, or that i'm not good enough in some other way. So that's it, i'm done with it all and I don't want sympathy!!

Am I best to change the subject when anyone brings up the subject of relationships? What do other people do when other people make you feel like some sort of social outcast for making this decision?

Anyway i'm new to the forum here so just wanted to say hi to everybody and say that i'm not normally this grumpy!!

 

[Tiina63]

People can be very annoying at times. Often they come out with clichéd responses because they don't really know what to say.
Maybe it would be less stressful if you only confided in those closest to you and, if anyone outside this circle brings up the subject of relationships, just be non committal. It isn't their business anyway. And if anyone close to you questions your decision, just keep off the topic next time you meet so that you don't get stressed by them.

 

[Greenish]

When people say these things it's more often than not a reflection on how they feel or think and their response has very little to do with you or your decision. They can't see themselves being single and happy so their assumption is that you can't either.

If you're happy on you own, good for you! Give them the finger next time....ok perhaps not, but you get the idea.

 

[AspiringCatLady]

Thanks for the responses!! I guess a lot of this comes from my mother, who really just thinks i've given up on love way too soon. I think sometimes she'd like me to have a partner so that she would'nt feel so obligated to support me. I rarely ask my mum for things, and often feel guilty doing so, I know she has her own life, but I think this is where a lot of her comments come from. I'm quite a closed person really and find it difficult to open up about personal issues to friends, so they don't really 'get it' either. I just want to be happy and I realised that trying to pursue relationships which are unhealthy (my last relationship) or even trying to get good relationships, was making me unhappy. The best relationship i'll ever have is with myself. I can rely on myself and trust myself and I have faith in me that I can live the life I want to without feeling tied down or being told what to do. There are many people even in relationships who feel lonely, so I figured that I can stand a little loneliness sometimes without having to have the obligations of a relationship. I know that sounds selfish - after being single 5 years so far i'm feeling more and more selfish the longer I spend on my own - but as long as i'm happy that's the main thing! Been battling with depression on and off during my adult life, wouldn't want to inflict it on anybody, and I'm aware that even if I were to enter a relationship ,these issues won't go away. Hence simplifying my life seems to be the logical answer! Thanks all x

 

[Amthorn]

So.. now i've reached the stage in my life where I feel i've got to be realistic about what's ever going to be achievable on the dating front - and i've come to the conclusion that I can't be doing with the stress of a relationship again and just want to be happy on my own.

A bit of background for you - first boyfriend was a narcissist and cheated on me badly (he was my first love), I was then engaged to somebody who felt more like my brother in the end so I called off the wedding, then I met another guy who just turned out to be so boring I was irritated by everything he did (though somehow we managed to have a son together) and the last one, well.. he was just an absoloute nightmare. I've had counselling and have been trying to work out why i'm attracted to such terrible people and I know it's from my family of origin. If i'm doomed to be attracted to nutjobs I would rather be single. So this is how i've come to my present state of mind.

So what annoys me is that if you tell someone you've decided to stay single, why do they automatically come back with the usual cliche's about 'Ooh you'll meet him when you least expect it' and 'don't give up yet' etc etc. Why can't people take me seriously!! I've CHOSEN TO STAY SINGLE for god's sake why can't they respect that? I'm 40 this year and I have no time or patience for fakes or blokes messing me around. They are the types I seem to attract!! Giving up on any dreams I had of getting married blah blah is a blessed relief!! So now I can concentrate on me! Life isn't much harder as a single parent as it was when I was with a partner, but at least I don't have some ******* telling me i'm fat, or that i'm not good enough in some other way. So that's it, i'm done with it all and I don't want sympathy!!

Am I best to change the subject when anyone brings up the subject of relationships? What do other people do when other people make you feel like some sort of social outcast for making this decision?

Anyway i'm new to the forum here so just wanted to say hi to everybody and say that i'm not normally this grumpy!!

It's important, I think, to find happiness and love for one's self. No relationship or external force of any kind can make you happy, you have to do that for yourself. At the same time, the people who are encouraging you to find a partner are probably doing so out of your best interests. Life can be easier in some ways if you have a good (important qualifier there) partner; for instance if you get sick, it's nice to know someone has your back. Still, finding a good partner is not the easiest thing. I feel that maintaining a positive attitude and telling one's self that whether a partner comes along or not, life will be fine, is a good way to go.

 

[Juliet]

Thanks for the responses!! I guess a lot of this comes from my mother, who really just thinks i've given up on love way too soon. I think sometimes she'd like me to have a partner so that she would'nt feel so obligated to support me. I rarely ask my mum for things, and often feel guilty doing so, I know she has her own life, but I think this is where a lot of her comments come from. I'm quite a closed person really and find it difficult to open up about personal issues to friends, so they don't really 'get it' either. I just want to be happy and I realised that trying to pursue relationships which are unhealthy (my last relationship) or even trying to get good relationships, was making me unhappy. The best relationship i'll ever have is with myself. I can rely on myself and trust myself and I have faith in me that I can live the life I want to without feeling tied down or being told what to do. There are many people even in relationships who feel lonely, so I figured that I can stand a little loneliness sometimes without having to have the obligations of a relationship. I know that sounds selfish - after being single 5 years so far i'm feeling more and more selfish the longer I spend on my own - but as long as i'm happy that's the main thing! Been battling with depression on and off during my adult life, wouldn't want to inflict it on anybody, and I'm aware that even if I were to enter a relationship ,these issues won't go away. Hence simplifying my life seems to be the logical answer! Thanks all x

It's not selfish wanting what's best for you and what makes you happy.

 

[FPL2014]

I don't want to sound chauvinistic or something, but the fact you're a woman might be partially responsible for this reaction you're complaining about.

Our society simply expects a woman to have a partner. As a man, I can say it's relatively easier to be alone without people telling you "don't give up" all the time- mainly because we, men, generally don't give a **** about the opinion of other people.

I'm glad to know you made up your mind about this subject, but also somewhat surprised it took four "relationships" for you to realize that relationships are not for you...

 

[tc00]

I agree with what others have said. Maybe let a tshirt say it for you. Something like, "I'm single by choice and like it" That might shut them up on the subject.

 

[Regumika]

People can be very annoying at times. Often they come out with clichéd responses because they don't really know what to say.
Maybe it would be less stressful if you only confided in those closest to you and, if anyone outside this circle brings up the subject of relationships, just be non committal. It isn't their business anyway. And if anyone close to you questions your decision, just keep off the topic next time you meet so that you don't get stressed by them.

I agree with Tiina. Often people just don't know what to say. I'm sure you had experiences where you just don't know what to say and just think of the most "common" lines, right? "are you seeing someone?" is just a question to start a conversation. The answer? No you're not seeing anyone. It could stop there, it could go deeper but you can always just redirect it with another question about them or what not.

It's great that you're set on being happy, for yourself. It's one of the harder things to grasp in general.

 

[differentlonelygirl]

If you're 40 those people saying it are more immature don't mind it even if everyone minds this sorta thing

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I met a female, turns out she was just desperate and needed that itch scratched at which point she started exploring more permanent options. At which point I was blamed for the failure of our relationship and she moved on.

She was the first and last female who will ever be desperate enough to lower her standards to my level without first giving being a lesbian a shot.

Anyway I have learned that if people actually applaud or agree with you on this kind of thing, they have to give up core beliefs. That core belief is that there is someone for everyone. Though I will say that for females it is slightly more likely that you will meet that guy as long as you do not completely shut off the romance. Being a male is awesome because no female is going to waste her time trying to convince me that she is worth the effort.

So I have just learned to shrug people off. I find the best thing to say to them is "If that is what you want to believe". It is a good neutral response that cannot really provoke arguments. Then you can wait another 5, 10, 15, 20 years and remind them how wrong they were.