Is Therapy Worth It For Being Ugly?

[user 191131]

^^^ OK

 

[okidoke]

....I know thousands of guys who've never had a girlfriend......

No you don't. You may know of 1000's of guy under 18 that have never had a girlfriend, but there's no way you KNOW 1000's of guys who haven't had a girlfriend. I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.

 

[user 191131]

^^^ More than a thousand.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

My thought: what have you got to lose? Seeing a therapist is either going to help or it won’t. If it does, then more power to you. If it doesn’t, at least you can say you tried. Do you have coverage for therapy through work or would you have to pay out of pocket?

Honestly, I'm not sure on that one. I know therapy can be provided on our national health service, but I've no idea what for, or for how long. It seems utterly bizarre to me to go into a doctor's office and say "Doctor doctor, I'm sad because girls don't like me!" and expect this person who went to seven years' medical school to have a solution.

If it's "free", then there's a chance I could be on a long waiting list, or given a therapist who's not that invested, but this is all uncharted waters for me at this point.

So doesn't that give you more of an insight that it's not your looks then, so perhaps therapy or at least some sort of tutorials in self-confidence or people skills might help? Ugly people are exuding something that is attracting others, whether it be money, charm, power. Charisma. I think it's charisma. Once we can nail that charisma skill we'll have people desperate to be with us.

I disagree, I'm a very self confident person, I don't think I'm ugly at all, but that seems to be the market research that I'm getting. I'm very good at making friends, so I believe I must be good at making people feel at ease, being funny etc, I'm not socially inept. The top reason that's given to me for being rejected is "ugly", other times people will try to be more sensitive or tactful.

Why would therapy have anything to do with being ugly? There is no such thing as "ugly". It doesn't exist. If you think it exists then there's your problem. So, maybe therapy can cure you of thinking people are ugly.

There certainly is, and you saying "there's no such thing" doesn't really change that. This is my life experience here, it's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that's how I'm treated in society. It's a different world out there for me.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There are people who we would feel totally uncomfortable sitting next to for various reasons. If you say otherwise, you're a liar.

I would feel uncomfortable sitting next to the man who is missing half his face because of a shotgun accident, but not because I think he's ugly, because I would want to ask a million questions and that would be rude as ****.....and well, biting your tongue does tend to get pretty uncomfortable. (And yes, there is a man near me like that, he works at the local carryout)

There ARE ugly people, IMO, but they are not ugly because of what they look like.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Honestly, I'm not sure on that one. I know therapy can be provided on our national health service, but I've no idea what for, or for how long. It seems utterly bizarre to me to go into a doctor's office and say "Doctor doctor, I'm sad because girls don't like me!" and expect this person who went to seven years' medical school to have a solution.

Personally, I would keep it as you being damn depressed, which is true, but play it up a little.

You are ASSUMING that it's because you are ugly. That got stuck in your brain and you're running with it because of whatever reason. That doesn't necessarily mean your problems are because you are ugly. It could be something completely different that you are suppressing. I'm not saying it is or it isn't the reason, I'm just pointing out that you may not have all the answers. Yes, I realize how that sounds because you are you and it's your brain and body and all that, but people suppress and deny things all the time and aren't even aware that they are doing it.

 

[user 191131]

... you saying "there's no such thing" doesn't really change that.

Telling you the truth is a form of therapy and the basis of your OP is in the question of whether or not therapy can be useful. If you disregard truth and therapeutic advice then the answer is "no" in your circumstance.

This is my life experience here, it's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that's how I'm treated in society. It's a different world out there for me.

Then you may have misrepresented yourself. There again your disregard renders therapeutic advice worthless in your circumstance.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Personally, I would keep it as you being **** depressed, which is true, but play it up a little.

You are ASSUMING that it's because you are ugly. That got stuck in your brain and you're running with it because of whatever reason. That doesn't necessarily mean your problems are because you are ugly. It could be something completely different that you are suppressing. I'm not saying it is or it isn't the reason, I'm just pointing out that you may not have all the answers. Yes, I realize how that sounds because you are you and it's your brain and body and all that, but people suppress and deny things all the time and aren't even aware that they are doing it.

It's Occam's Razor; the simplest answer is usually the correct one.

So you have a person who is funny, kind, with a decent job, plenty of social hobbies and a muscular physique. This person has made it to his 30s without anybody being attracted to him, with many actively stating he is ugly. This person gets comments about 2-3 times per month, every month, for being ugly. This is not a localised issue either, as it happens in different parts of the country, and indeed when he goes abroad. He gets zero matches on online dating apps, and when he's been on speed dating nights (again feeling confident and charismatic), he gets rejected by 100% of the women each time.

Now you could say, it's all just a crazy coincidence, that none of these things are related and is all just a severe case of bad luck. You could also say it's a global conspiracy spanning thousands of people. Or, just maybe, you could say that perhaps this person is not as average looking as they might have thought.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Telling you the truth is a form of therapy and the basis of your OP is in the question of whether or not therapy can be useful. If you disregard truth and therapeutic advice then the answer is "no" in your circumstance.

Then you may have misrepresented yourself. There again your disregard renders therapeutic advice worthless in your circumstance.

But again, it's currently only truth because you say it is, that's not how things work. I don't mean to be stand-off-ish here, but saying there's no such thing as being ugly is just factually incorrect.

How do you believe I've misrepresented myself? I believe I've given as much information as I can, without presenting a wall of text as I've done in previous threads.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's Occam's Razor; the simplest answer is usually the correct one.

So you have a person who is funny, kind, with a decent job, plenty of social hobbies and a muscular physique. This person has made it to his 30s without anybody being attracted to him, with many actively stating he is ugly. This person gets comments about 2-3 times per month, every month, for being ugly. This is not a localised issue either, as it happens in different parts of the country, and indeed when he goes abroad. He gets zero matches on online dating apps, and when he's been on speed dating nights (again feeling confident and charismatic), he gets rejected by 100% of the women each time.

Now you could say, it's all just a crazy coincidence, that none of these things are related and is all just a severe case of bad luck. You could also say it's a global conspiracy spanning thousands of people. Or, just maybe, you could say that perhaps this person is not as average looking as they might have thought.

Like I said, I'm not saying it is true and I'm not saying it isn't. I'm saying there could be more to the story. I don't know what you look like so I can't judge for myself. What type of girls are calling you ugly? Like what type of girl are you trying to attract (I believe you answered this before, but I'm sorry, I don't remember). If these girls are shallow and super young (early 20's) and you aren't supermodel hot, yes, they will call you ugly. But regular girls who aren't shallow...I have a hard time believing they would outright call you ugly. It sounds like you are just talking to vindictive, shallow women and trust me, you don't want those women.

 

[user 191131]

..... saying there's no such thing as being ugly is just factually incorrect.

I correctly named your problem in my very first reply to you which is your misguided notion that ugliness exists.

How do you believe I've misrepresented myself?.

You came straight out of the chute by saying that you are ugly but now that I have injected logic into the misunderstanding that is your burden you now refute it. Stage one of my therapy has already been accomplished.

 

[TheRealCallie]

because I'm seen as unattractive.

I'm a very self confident person, I don't think I'm ugly at all,

You came straight out of the chute by saying that you are ugly

Actually, he didn't. He said WOMEN say he's ugly.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

What type of girls are calling you ugly? Like what type of girl are you trying to attract (I believe you answered this before, but I'm sorry, I don't remember). If these girls are shallow and super young (early 20's) and you aren't supermodel hot, yes, they will call you ugly. But regular girls who aren't shallow...I have a hard time believing they would outright call you ugly. It sounds like you are just talking to vindictive, shallow women and trust me, you don't want those women.

There's no simple answer for this, because there is no consistency to the type of people that comment on me for being ugly. It's usually women, but sometimes also men, it's been women younger than me, older than me, sometimes it's just someone yelling something from a moving car so I don't really get a good look at who it is.

Just the other month I was taking a train in the London Underground, and a young-ish couple (mid 20s looking) were stood near me. She looked over at me, then looked back at her boyfriend and said "Eww, he just gave me the ick." so it's not even limited to single people commenting on this. I was at a house party a couple of years ago, and one member (happily in a relationship at the time) described me as "alright... but only from the neck down." so you might possibly read into that as maybe I'm not as ok-looking as I'd like to think.

 

[ringwood]

On the contrary I think is is the ONLY logic to apply.
Real world results matter.
If attractive young girls have never thrown themselves at me, I am not attractive.
Therefore I am unattractive/ugly.
I think that makes perfect sense.

Pffft, I don’t buy this for a second. I know for a fact you’ve mentioned that you’ve had women approach you - not the young, attractive women you want, but women HAVE approached you. Therefore, you have some level of attractiveness.

 

[okidoke]

And yet you don't address the fact the there are people out there who might be considered unattractive and still getting into relationships and not because they are rich or powerful.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

And yet you don't address the fact the there are people out there who might be considered unattractive and still getting into relationships and not because they are rich or powerful.

Like I said, it's just not something I can explain.

When the Jeremy Kyle show would be on, and you've got a toothless smack addict with three teeth left, and he's got two women arguing over him, it would baffle me that I can't get anything.

Objectively I would say I can name men that I'm better looking than, but clearly women disagree.

Christ, The Elephant Man got married in his 20s. By definition, The Elephant Man had a more successful love life than me.

 

[okidoke]

Well, maybe you lack charisma, don't exude self-confidence, lack sincerity, maybe your pheromones stink, or your eyes give off a creepy vibe, perhaps you're wearing the wrong colors for your aura, possibly could be displaying a nervous off-putting tic that you're not even aware of, or maybe someone is sabotaging you beforehand behind your back. Who the hell knows? It's a numbers game mate - eventually, somewhere, given enough time, you'll find someone that wants to be with you. Then it'll be a question of whether they'll be good enough for you.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Has anyone honest ever given you an accounting of why you are "ugly"? Most people aren't going to tell you the truth or blow it off or downplay it. You need to find someone who is unbiased and not afraid to tell the truth.

 

[okidoke]

yeah let's see the face - wait we've already seen and I already said you looked fine

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Well, maybe you lack charisma, don't exude self-confidence, lack sincerity, maybe your pheromones stink, or your eyes give off a creepy vibe, perhaps you're wearing the wrong colors for your aura, possibly could be displaying a nervous off-putting tic that you're not even aware of, or maybe someone is sabotaging you before behind your back. Who the hell knows? It's a numbers game mate - eventually, somewhere, given enough time, you'll find someone that wants to be with you. Then it'll be a question of whether they'll be good enough for you.

I get that you're trying to bee helpful, but "wearing the wrong colour for your aura" certainly seems like a stretch

I don't know what to tell you, I'm not saying I'm Mr Smooth, but I would say that if I find it very easy to make friends I must have some at least ok levels of charisma. The ability to make people laugh and feel at ease, and want to hang out with me, that's not nothing. They just would rather sleep with other people

Has anyone honest ever given you an accounting of why you are "ugly"? Most people aren't going to tell you the truth or blow it off or downplay it. You need to find someone who is unbiased and not afraid to tell the truth.

From what I'm ascertaining it's definitely somewhere in the face that's the problem, I'm in good shape and don't get negative comments about my body.