It's probably futile

[mustachioed_badass_42]

I ended up writing an entire passage about the terrible things that happened in my family, but I can't post it. It's just too personal. I don't think I can get any help about that matter from this forum. I don't know whether anyone has experienced anything even remotely similar to what I have witnessed with my own eyes. And such things are often just so out of the box for other people to comprehend, they just can't get it. It's probably futile to post it here.

But people like me who have seen it with our own eyes know how it feels. These things just seem so "personal" and "sensitive" (for want of any better words). Perhaps I should seek psychotherapy? But how? I've heard of many organisations that offer psychotherapy getting involved in very shady things. I don't know whom to trust. Psychotherapy itself seems to be a taboo topic, since it implies that my parents weren't capable of solving my mental perturbations. And even slightly implying that parents may make mistakes seems to be some sort of terrible blasphemy. I don't intend to hurt my mother by seeking psychotherapy. I know she loves me, but having dealt with those villains for a long time, she has grown too bitter. And all that bitterness is projected onto me. I know my mother wasn't this way. She was MADE this way. And she still loves me. But she is consumed by bitterness due to her unpleasant life. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to maintain my own sanity, so that I don't grow bitter as my mother did. And so that I can offer a better childhood to my own children if I have any in the future.

I just don't want to hurt anyone.

 

[okidoke]

firstly, note the words under my profile pic

second, there's a bit here - obviously some of these thoughts and perceptions are in place because of the area in which you live, which is understandable.

I don't know whether anyone has experienced anything even remotely similar to what I have witnessed with my own eyes.

you might be surprised what people have experienced, especially people in my prior career

These things just seem so "personal" and "sensitive" (for want of any better words).

They would be and that's fine to feel that way.

Perhaps I should seek psychotherapy? But how? I've heard of many organisations that offer psychotherapy getting involved in very shady things. I don't know whom to trust. Psychotherapy itself seems to be a taboo topic, since it implies that my parents weren't capable of solving my mental perturbations.

I don't see why it's incumbent upon your parent to solve it if they aren't adequately trained in such things, that's why there are specialists.

And even slightly implying that parents may make mistakes seems to be some sort of terrible blasphemy. I don't intend to hurt my mother by seeking psychotherapy.

You might be able to get some joy from watching certain online videos in your own time, to better help understand how you should be dealing with some of the issues you face. There are many online avenues you could research.

I know she loves me, but having dealt with those villains for a long time, she has grown too bitter. And all that bitterness is projected onto me. I know my mother wasn't this way. She was MADE this way. And she still loves me. But she is consumed by bitterness due to her unpleasant life.

That can happen unfortunately and in some world regions it's more prolific and more acceptable or ignored.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to maintain my own sanity, so that I don't grow bitter as my mother did. And so that I can offer a better childhood to my own children if I have any in the future.

Being aware is already being a step ahead. That's a good thing. Wanting to address it is another good thing. And you're still so young so don't be too hard on yourself. I would start by doing some research online, like "how to cope with [insert your thing]" and variations on that theme.

I just don't want to hurt anyone.

Sometimes we just can't help it and we can't control the reactions of others. If you get better in yourself, you will only be better for others, so in turn, they will benefit, hopefully.

Finding the right mental health professional can be a chore, and from personal experience, it doesn't always have positive results. Not because the people don't mean well or that they don't know what they're doing; it can be a little of each sometimes, but often it's because we just don't click well enough with the person. My last one actually said to me "I don't know how to help you". I never saw another one again and I ended up just slowly healing myself. I'm not 100% healed of course, but I am much better than I was.

If you need to get anything deeper off your chest that you don't want to share publicly, I am happy to listen young friend as there's not much I haven't been exposed to. Doesn't mean I will have a comforting response necessarily if you need one, but I doubt that you would shock me.

 

[mustachioed_badass_42]

firstly, note the words under my profile pic

Oh, I hadn't seen that earlier

I don't see why it's incumbent upon your parent to solve it if they aren't adequately trained in such things, that's why there are specialists. You might be able to get some joy from watching certain online videos in your own time, to better help understand how you should be dealing with some of the issues you face. There are many online avenues you could research.

There was a period when I often watched such kind of videos. They often talked about journaling. So one day, even I made a journal and began to write about what I felt. I asked my mother not to read it, yet she did, and got very angry. I had just written about how I was feeling lonely, and some ranting about my classmates. But she somehow misconstrued it to be an insult to her parenting. She gave me an hour-long description of other people's struggles. She said I didn't love her and did not talk to me for a whole day. She also began to occasionally randomly check my YouTube history. This is precisely why I have stopped sharing because listening to other people's struggles, well, I can empathise with them, but it doesn't really solve my own issues. It just tries to avoid them.

But much worse things have happened since then. Much worse. And my mother was NOT this way, but was MADE this way.

If you need to get anything deeper off your chest that you don't want to share publicly, I am happy to listen young friend as there's not much I haven't been exposed to.

That sounds better , sometimes just speaking to someone can be cathartic even if they are not a trained professional or unable to help. Can I PM?