Questions for the Men

[Veruca]

Hey guys, I was hoping you can give me your input.

Let me give you a scenario:

You meet a girl whom you like a lot, and the both of you begin hanging out/talking over the phone, and there's some non-physical flirting happening. You think she likes you but you don't make a move to ask her out on a proper date, or tell her that you like her openly. Next you find out that she's going on a date with someone else, would you be upset at her? Is that acceptable, or not?

 

[Limlim]

Uh, sounds fine. If she ended up going after someone else it means she probably didn't want you in the first place, otherwise she would have made a move on you.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

If you find out a lady is less experienced, conservative, and/or moderate in the bedroom would you cut the relation, try to persuade/influence your fantasy, and/or not be bothered by it? A make or break deal?

To me, sex is like the icing on the relationship cake. While it may be sweet and cover the whole cake, it's just the surface.

Only the extreme would be a deal breaker - Absolute abstinence.

If she was willing to please me, and allow me to please her, we would be good. At this point in my life it's more about the emotional connection than the sexual one. While there has to be a sexual attraction, it doesn't play as much of a role as it would have 20 years ago.

 

[perfanoff]

I would be a bit upset but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep over it. If she does like me, she'll come back.

 

[Veruca]

Uh, sounds fine. If she ended up going after someone else it means she probably didn't want you in the first place, otherwise she would have made a move on you.

I would be a bit upset but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep over it. If she does like me, she'll come back.

What if she had been waiting for you to make the move? Would her going out with another guy (just a casual date, they're not in a relationship) prompt you to try and ask her out as well? Or would you back off?

 

[perfanoff]

Of course I'd ask her out then - and I think most guys would do the same.

 

[Veruca]

Of course I'd ask her out then - and I think most guys would do the same.

Good to know! Thanks for your feedback

 

[painter's radio]

Personally I'd back off.

Or would I.

I don't know, lol. Depends on the girl. Depends how strong I thought the connection was, and if I thought we would be really good together. If I honestly thought we were, to an extent, "meant to be together" I would be upset by it. I wouldn't rage about it, I don't think I would be rude to her about it. But yeah, it would upset me. Unless deep down I knew it wouldn't work between us anyway, in which case, I'd try my best to say "oh well", and move on.

 

[ucxb]

Hey guys, I was hoping you can give me your input.

Let me give you a scenario:

You meet a girl whom you like a lot, and the both of you begin hanging out/talking over the phone, and there's some non-physical flirting happening. You think she likes you but you don't make a move to ask her out on a proper date, or tell her that you like her openly. Next you find out that she's going on a date with someone else, would you be upset at her? Is that acceptable, or not?

I am not a man, Veruca, but I just want to point at that this person should not get upset at anyone else but themselves! *looks for a quick reference on 'signs of a toxic friendship'*

 

[Limlim]

Depends on the guy really. I have a no poaching policy, I don't go after taken girls or ones who are dating other guys. Less so for moral reasons than myself ending up less interested if I think she's interested in another.

Better question is why is a strange scheme being set up to attract attention of said guy this way instead of either one making a move? :S If I ever saw the forest for the trees on that one I'd probably be turned off.

fresia I'm a cynic, lol.

 

[Veruca]

Limlim- There was no scheme Limlim, they became friends, and the girl was interested but shy so she waited for him to make a move, and after about 3 weeks I think, he didn't and she met someone at a party who asked her out so she went. Guy A got upset and said she had deceived him (sorry I left that part out earlier)

I think if guy A had just asked her out or told her that he liked her, she might not have gone out with the other guy, but I was just curious as to why guy A didn't consider that he had played a role in her accepting another guy's advances. Anyone would be upset if someone they liked went on a date with someone else, but can that be considered as dishonest? But then I wanted a different viewpoint and you guys are giving me some good ones!

ucxb - did you mean he shouldn't be upset because he didn't make the move first?

 

[Limlim]

One of the more interesting facets of being a guy I guess. One of the reasons annoyance might occur could be because another option coming along later should no one make a move doesn't happen as often for him as it might for girl A or girls he is interested in in general. So it places the onus on him to be the one to get over the shyness period first in every situation and it might have gotten to a point where it frustrated him.

But that's just speculation on my part, I've no idea what any party was thinking in this situation.

 

[Veruca]

One of the more interesting facets of being a guy I guess. One of the reasons annoyance might occur could be because another option coming along later should no one make a move doesn't happen as often for him as it might for girl A or girls he is interested in in general. So it places the onus on him to be the one to get over the shyness period first in every situation and it might have gotten to a point where it frustrated him.

But that's just speculation on my part, I've no idea what any party was thinking in this situation.

That's a very good point, at least its worth looking at it from the guys point of view. Thank yoU!

 

[ucxb]

This just doesn’t seem healthy to me. IF the boy is upset at the girl because he feels betrayed or misled by the girl and the girl did not know he wanted to be more than friends … Why is he upset at her? Accusing her for deceiving him? No gender can read minds. Seems like he is blaming her for what he feels. This girl needs to be cautious.

 

[Edward W]

If nothing was said by either side and no commitment was made then there's no reason to get mad, he only has himself to blame and learn from.

Sad, but true.

 

[painter's radio]

True. I'm just picturing some poor ******* thinking he finally had something special going on in his life with a girl he really liked, he thought things were going places and all of a sudden she's going on a date with another guy, as if it doesn't matter who she's with as long as she's with someone, now he feels like a stepping stone and has been well and truly window shopped.

It's all ifs and buts though, isn't it. As detailed as the explanation is, none of us really know what they were thinking, but they probably did. You don't have to be a mind reader to be intuitive or empathtic, aware etc. But they are traits which not everyone has...

"Dating" lol. Bizarre to me.

 

[aspalas]

Of course I'd ask her out then - and I think most guys would do the same.

Good to know! Thanks for your feedback

Oh hell no. I think most guys would back off. If a girl goes out with another guy it's pretty clear this girl isn't into you. If I'd be a guy that just doesn't make the first move, I'd want the girl to do it. So if this is your situation (you being the girl obviously), I'd make a move.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You think she likes you but you don't make a move to ask her out on a proper date, or tell her that you like her openly. Next you find out that she's going on a date with someone else, would you be upset at her? Is that acceptable, or not?

I'm not a guy, but here's my two cents anyway...
See the quote above...the underlined portion?
You snooze you lose?

 

[kamya]

Harsh world out there for shy men mhmm.

I don't know what I would do if I was that guy. I've slowly learned to not beat around the bush when I'm interested in someone just so that situations like this can't happen. It can quickly turn people away but fresia it. Better now than later. Then you can at least start looking for other people that might be interested instead of wasting your time and attention on someone that is just going to reject any advances. Taking rejection gets easier at least. :/

Besides, how interested could the girl possibly have been in guy A if she wasn't willing to make a move before dating guy B? She just put an arbitrary time limit on guy A to make a move before moving on. Pretty selfish on her part, and lucky to have so many options. Kind of selfish on the guy's part too to never make a move and get angry. But you never know, he could have been working up to it.

 

[Veruca]

I don't think I've had this much insight into a shy guy's mind before, so thank you guys!

It seems to me this entire scenario happened because both parties were crazy shy. Guy A was probably waiting for the girl to make a move and vice versa. And when one party didn't make a move, the other just assumed that was rejection.

So lesson learnt, always make a move if you want the girl/guy =)