Questions for the Women

[bleed_the_freak]

I know a lot of guys who dated girls who wanted babies but were "on birth control" and they are now paying child support for "accidents".

Be careful. The urge to procreate is strong in the wimminz.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Where did the debt come from? Almost everyone has debt, so I don't really see that being a problem unless it comes from something like gambling.
If you are serious about her...love her, actually want to be with HER, not just anyone....then I would say go for it. Your family can fall in line. Do what makes you happy.

 

[DarkSelene]

I think the real question is do you want to be with her? It seems that she's quite ready for everything that you're not.

 

[tdi200]

Where did the debt come from?  Almost everyone has debt, so I don't really see that being a problem unless it comes from something like gambling.  
If you are serious about her...love her, actually want to be with HER, not just anyone....then I would say go for it.  Your family can fall in line.  Do what makes you happy.

from my previous one sided relationship that i was buying love with money, yes i am very serious about her we been talking off and on for more than 4 years and knows about my past that i was used allot and lost allot of money but does not know amount of money i had spent

 

[wuku]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My relationship ended 22 months ago and it was ended by my girlfriend. About 4 months ago she contacted me, which surprised me as we hadn’t been in contact at all until then, and I was surprised she had kept my number, and that she had now given me her new number. We have been in contact 4 times over the 4 months, but apart from the first time, it’s me who initiates. Our messages are friendly and open and go on for a couple of days.

This woman is the love of my life, and I still love her, so I told her so. She said she knows she will always love me, that she misses what we had and could of had, and that when you love someone properly it never goes away. She then also said she needs to move forward with her life. I then went a bit deeper into my feelings for her, and she didn’t reply, so I haven’t contacted her since.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

 

[tdi200]

I know a lot of guys who dated girls who wanted babies but were "on birth control" and they are now paying child support for "accidents".

Be careful. The urge to procreate is strong in the wimminz.

i am hoping i dont end up being one of the static and child support is not something i want to pay will practise using rubbers as well so that chances of getting her pregnant goes more lower

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I think the real question is do you want to be with her? It seems that she's quite ready for everything that you're not.

yes i really want to be with her plus her 8years old has been a part of my life as well so ofcourse  i am serious

 

[tdi200]

You pay the bills and support everyone. What is your family going to do? Disown you and lose the gravy train?

not about disowning me dont get me wrong family is family but the fact how some family tradition are, it gets hard seing there son getting someone else that is not of their choice so its hard

 

[TheRealCallie]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My relationship ended 22 months ago and it was ended by my girlfriend. About 4 months ago she contacted me, which surprised me as we hadn’t been in contact at all until then, and I was surprised she had kept my number, and that she had now given me her new number. We have been in contact 4 times over the 4 months, but apart from the first time, it’s me who initiates. Our messages are friendly and open and go on for a couple of days.

This woman is the love of my life, and I still love her, so I told her so. She said she knows she will always love me, that she misses what we had and could of had, and that when you love someone properly it never goes away. She then also said she needs to move forward with her life. I then went a bit deeper into my feelings for her, and she didn’t reply, so I haven’t contacted her since.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

There could be a lot of reasons why....as I'm sure someone will mention it, yes, using you as a backup is one of them.  BUT, it could also just be that she wanted to know how you were.  I've contacted exes because I've missed them and wanted to see how they were doing before without any intention of getting back together with them.  Love, despite what some people think, isn't always enough. 
So, the real answer to your question is.....only she knows.

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Where did the debt come from?  Almost everyone has debt, so I don't really see that being a problem unless it comes from something like gambling.  
If you are serious about her...love her, actually want to be with HER, not just anyone....then I would say go for it.  Your family can fall in line.  Do what makes you happy.

from my previous one sided relationship that i was buying love with money, yes i am very serious about her we been talking off and on for more than 4 years and knows about my past that i was used allot and lost allot of money but does not know amount of money i had spent

50k is a lot of money, did you buy this girl a house or car or something? 

Okay okay, back on topic.  I'm not judging you.  Honestly, if your family loves you and can see that you are happy, I can't see any reason they wouldn't be happy for you.  Even if not at first, they will come to accept your choices.

 

[tdi200]

[quote pid='852913' dateline='1508436095']

50k is a lot of money, did you buy this girl a house or car or something? 

Okay okay, back on topic.  I'm not judging you.  Honestly, if your family loves you and can see that you are happy, I can't see any reason they wouldn't be happy for you.  Even if not at first, they will come to accept your choices.
[/quote]

its a long story i had shared partial of this on my thread here: https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=37948

yes 50k is allot of money i did buy allot of things including a car which i finally got it back but totally trashed there are allot of stuff i did which i am not comfortable to let it.

and yes i agree with you if my family see me have they will be happy for me feels good hearing that but its just hard for the fact i will have to move out from the house and have my own life, middle eastern family is all about extended family and living together under one household which is very uncommon in America as here when kids turn 18 they move out and have their own ****

 

[tdi200]

[quote pid='852913' dateline='1508436095']

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Where did the debt come from?  Almost everyone has debt, so I don't really see that being a problem unless it comes from something like gambling.  
If you are serious about her...love her, actually want to be with HER, not just anyone....then I would say go for it.  Your family can fall in line.  Do what makes you happy.

from my previous one sided relationship that i was buying love with money, yes i am very serious about her we been talking off and on for more than 4 years and knows about my past that i was used allot and lost allot of money but does not know amount of money i had spent

50k is a lot of money, did you buy this girl a house or car or something? 

Okay okay, back on topic.  I'm not judging you.  Honestly, if your family loves you and can see that you are happy, I can't see any reason they wouldn't be happy for you.  Even if not at first, they will come to accept your choices.
[/quote]
its a long story i had shared partial of this on my thread here: https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=37948

yes 50k is allot of money i did buy allot of things including a car which i finally got it back but totally trashed there are allot of stuff i did which i am not comfortable to let it.

and yes i agree with you if my family see me have they will be happy for me feels good hearing that but its just hard for the fact i will have to move out from the house and have my own life, middle eastern family is all about extended family and living together under one household which is very uncommon in America as here when kids turn 18 they move out and have their own ****

 

[wuku]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My relationship ended 22 months ago and it was ended by my girlfriend. About 4 months ago she contacted me, which surprised me as we hadn’t been in contact at all until then, and I was surprised she had kept my number, and that she had now given me her new number. We have been in contact 4 times over the 4 months, but apart from the first time, it’s me who initiates. Our messages are friendly and open and go on for a couple of days.

This woman is the love of my life, and I still love her, so I told her so. She said she knows she will always love me, that she misses what we had and could of had, and that when you love someone properly it never goes away. She then also said she needs to move forward with her life. I then went a bit deeper into my feelings for her, and she didn’t reply, so I haven’t contacted her since.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

There could be a lot of reasons why....as I'm sure someone will mention it, yes, using you as a backup is one of them.  BUT, it could also just be that she wanted to know how you were.  I've contacted exes because I've missed them and wanted to see how they were doing before without any intention of getting back together with them.  Love, despite what some people think, isn't always enough. 
So, the real answer to your question is.....only she knows.

Thanks for your reply. I don’t think she is using me as a backup, though I see it could be possible, but she’s never been that sort of person. She is moving away from the area soon, and text me after she noticed I had moved too. As far as I know she, like me, has not been in another relationship since we split up. I think you are right, love unfortunately isn’t always enough, although it seems that we still feel something for each other, at least I know I do, and she was never one to say something that isn’t true. It just seems such a waste, if we do love each other, that we can’t be together. That’s life I suppose, but I still miss her and I don’t feel like having anyone but her as my partner. Sad, I know, I just wish I could get her out of my heart and head and move on. [size=medium]Having said that, I would like to remain friends with her, though I don’t know how that will work out as I still have strong feelings for her. Maybe the distance between us when she has moved will help with that. Then again, as friendly as she is, she’s not texting me if I don’t text her, so maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know, I’m confusing myself now lol[/size]

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[ardour]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My relationship ended 22 months ago and it was ended by my girlfriend. About 4 months ago she contacted me, which surprised me as we hadn’t been in contact at all until then, and I was surprised she had kept my number, and that she had now given me her new number. We have been in contact 4 times over the 4 months, but apart from the first time, it’s me who initiates. Our messages are friendly and open and go on for a couple of days.

This woman is the love of my life, and I still love her, so I told her so. She said she knows she will always love me, that she misses what we had and could of had, and that when you love someone properly it never goes away. She then also said she needs to move forward with her life. I then went a bit deeper into my feelings for her, and she didn’t reply, so I haven’t contacted her since.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

It's called 'closure'. Women often do this after ending it.

  Put simply: she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy, so she can move on and date other people.

"I will always love you", etc, is about relieving herself of guilt.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's called 'closure'. Women often do this after ending it.

  Put simply: she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy, so she can move on and date other people.

"I will always love you", etc, is about relieving herself of guilt.

You should really stop with the generalizing. How do you know exactly what all women do after ending a relationship? You can't even say for sure what all guys do. So stop thinking that you can say for certain what we do. It's such an asinine thing to do.

 

[wuku]

That’s another possibility I guess. Although why leave it so long, or do it at all? It’s not like we were in contact, she didn’t need to do anything, or keep my number or give me hers. It seems a little bit selfish to do that to someone, for any reason, rather than just leave them alone. However, I probably don’t want to think that’s the answer I suppose, it’s kind of crushing. I guess I want to hope it means more, but that is my problem, and the truth however painful would be best. Thanks for your reply.

 

[Amelia]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

It is really hard/practically impossible for one person to offer insight into another person's actions even if these two people share the same gender. We are all ultimately individuals with unique experiences etc that mould us into who we are. 

But if I were to guess, there are a few possible explanations. She could have been lonely and reached out to you for some comfort/company, not intending for anything more. She could still have feelings for you but is unable to see a future with you due to certain factors that crop up when she is with you (might there be some issues that might cause her to have these doubts?). Or she might not want to be with you, but still has great affection for you and wants to genuinely know if you are doing ok post break up etc. Or she might be wondering if there might be a possibility of you two remaining friends or on friendly terms post breakup. Or she could be trying to end things amicably if your breakup was a bad one. Or she could be confused about her feelings and part loves you but part doesn't want to be with you. 


It could be any or none of the above. If you really need to know though, it might be best to ask her directly. The worst thing is to feel like there could be hope when there is none so at least a direct confrontation would help you move on yourself. Good luck.

 

[ardour]

I didn't say all women, but for those who do this, it's the likely explanation. It's a fairly common experience: guy gets dumped without an explanation given (crushing him), then a few months later his ex hits him up claiming to want to be friends and making those "I still care about you" noises.

If she really cared  it would have been better not to do that and let him move on.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I would be interested in a females perspective on this.

My relationship ended 22 months ago and it was ended by my girlfriend. About 4 months ago she contacted me, which surprised me as we hadn’t been in contact at all until then, and I was surprised she had kept my number, and that she had now given me her new number. We have been in contact 4 times over the 4 months, but apart from the first time, it’s me who initiates. Our messages are friendly and open and go on for a couple of days.

This woman is the love of my life, and I still love her, so I told her so. She said she knows she will always love me, that she misses what we had and could of had, and that when you love someone properly it never goes away. She then also said she needs to move forward with her life. I then went a bit deeper into my feelings for her, and she didn’t reply, so I haven’t contacted her since.

My question is, why did she reach out in the first place? And having said the things she has, does it mean she still has some feelings for me? I realise it doesn’t look like she wants to get back together, I just wonder what her motivation was, and why she seems happy to text, but doesn’t initiate?

It's called 'closure'. Women often do this after ending it.

  Put simply: she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy, so she can move on and date other people.

"I will always love you", etc, is about relieving herself of guilt.

"I will always love you" could also just simply be a statement that happens to be true.  I have told my ex that I will always love him.  It had nothing to do with guilt.  It had to do with the truth.  I will always love him, nothing he has ever done or will do will change that.  He is a selfish ******* *******, but I still love him and always will. 
Regardless of what happens in a relationship or how it ends or how long it's been, doesn't change the fact that when someone loves someone, they care about them.  That doesn't mean they feel guilty or want to get back together.  Sometimes it does, sure.  But it could also mean just that, they care about them and want them to be well.  Stalking someone on social media (if they have it and it isn't private) doesn't always give the full story.  Sometimes they just want to touch base and talk for a bit...whether that's once or multiple times.

 

[DarkSelene]

Curiosity is ok, but after a relationship ends where you don't share children or have to be in contact ever, it is kinda weird to show up with the love thing. I kinda agree that it would've been better if she never said it. She doesn't seem to have any intention of getting back together, so she could just be friendly without making him wonder.

Sometimes it's also about getting a bit of attention from someone that you know likes you, kinda like a little boost when you need it. It's ******, but I've seen it happen many times. Not a gendered thing though.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Curiosity is ok, but after a relationship ends where you don't share children or have to be in contact ever, it is kinda weird to show up with the love thing.

Why is it weird?  How do children have anything to do with love?  You don't need children to love someone or to say you love someone.  Children, in that situation, are irrelevant.

To be honest, I think it would be WORSE if you shared children, because you have that connection that will never go away.  You can't just pick up and never look back, you will always be tied to that person...unless of course you're a deadbeat parent who has no interest in your kids at all (notice I didn't say a gender.....not directed at you, Selene).

 

[DarkSelene]

I think you do need that sort of connection just to make sure that you can raise your kids in a good environment, where there's no crazy hate going around. I'm not saying that the kids have anything to do with it, just think it's better to have a good relationship once you're separated and have to stay in contact -- if you still appreciate and love that person, that's good, I know love is not enough to keep a relationship going.

When there's no need to be close or no intention on being friends afterwards (seems like wuku's situation) it is very weird for someone to show up trying to just catch up and be all "I love you". Maybe I'm just cynical, but I'd think they want something from me. Could be just having a good relationship and trying to be friendly, I guess... still don't think it's nice to leave someone wondering when you know their feelings for you.