Questions for the Women

[J360]

I think it might be cool to have a thread where you can ask women thier opinions on dating or relationship issues Soooo...ask away!

So my wife was acting unusual for the last two days. I asked what the problem is and she brought up something that happened 15 years ago. I was a bit confused and told her that the situation was resolved and 15 years have gone by and it’s not good for us to bringing up the past because when you have a lot of past experiences with someone it could be a problem because there’s a lot of past and where does it end.

I think it might be cool to have a thread where you can ask women thier opinions on dating or relationship issues Soooo...ask away!

 

[StarDust]

Could be some recent event has triggered those same emotions of the event in the past. Problem is, she is not identifying the current event.... she is just reacting to the emotions.

Hope that makes sense...

 

[J360]

So what do you think I should do or what would you do in my situation.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Duh hoy silly! They probably thought that they were the ones with the upper hand. Maybe they thought they were superior to you or like doing you a favor for being with you. You've moved on and that has crushed their ego because they thought that no matter what you would always be the guy that would want or need them. Maybe they thought more about the relationships you had.Im sure someone will come along and be able to say exactly what I'm thinking but that's the best I've got.

One of them comes by my families place so often and pisses off not just me but also my sister and mother and long story short we've had to have the police remove her from the property and relocate her.

You could just tell them that the only thing your interested in is the the thing they don't have. Be a total dick though. The slightest sense of civility will only keep them circling.

That requires more energy than I prefer to exert, but I can do that. It's just, it's super draining, you know? It's different if I'm spending that same amount of energy on an enjoyable or exciting subject, but when I'm forced to deal with an emotional entanglement, it kinda feels like trying to walk with too much weight attached to your legs, and I hate that sluggish, weighted feeling of emotional entanglement. I can do it without the entanglement but like, you gotta give me a minute. It's tricky but I can do it. The trouble I've got is that I have no middle ground if I'm emotionally engaged in an argument. I'm more likely to say the most messed up and brutal thing possible that they'll probably need therapy for thereafter, than I am to actually shoo them off my front porch with a broom that says fresia Off on it. That's why I don't like having to be more abrasive, I have rage issues and can't totally control it once that container is opened, so I usually just don't open it. That's my problem: I don't know how to be a dick without absolutely destroying someone, I kind of just go from start to finish with a clean cut.

Haha! This sounds like me. Only this though. I don't go backwards.

I don't either. They kind of stalk me. I'm surprised they haven't ran into each other yet. They know of each other, but they never met. I have high-functioning social anxiety though, so them following me all over kind of makes me irrationally anxious. In part because of the unpredictable factor that I never know if they're showing up sober or not. If they're drugged out, than yeah, that's gotta be handled carefully.

Avoid that type of woman.

I try to, but that's pretty much the only type of women that approach me. That's, actually I don't know what NOT having that happen is like, now that I really think about it.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

By the time they're Ceno's age a lot men have have learnt that open adoration guarantees not getting what they adore. The pair ups that "work" around that age, at least as far as I can tell, seem to be those where the man isn't the emotionally attached party. And it's probably not easy, having to walk a tightrope between too little and too much attention, knowing the latter risks killing all attraction.

I can't have totally emotionless detached sex. I mean I can, just I don't like what it does to my headspace after. That's not what I want. The funny thing is that I can find an NSA hookup without a problem, but there's no substance to it and it's a dime a dozen situation so I'm not interested in it.

You are providing them some kind of support. If you completely ignore them they will stay away. Or, you can tell them that you like them and want to take them to dinner. That has always worked for me. They never contact me again after I do that.

No I mean like it's been years since we've been together, we barely talk, I've made it apparent I don't want them in my life, and they still swing by the house or drive through the parking lot of where I work. I haven't provided anything to them since the breakups... But I'm about to provide them with a swift kick in the ass if they don't stop and leave. It's borderline harassment, I've already had to get the police involved once to remove one of them from the property.

 

[J360]

Really like the advice and passion thanks. I I’m still married to her but it’s looking like that road is coming to an end. She is demanding an apology but I won’t give it because in 24 years of marriage If she can reach back 15 years and make demands, then what’s stopping her from bringing up more history. I did tell her if we have a disagreement and we resolve it I don’t see the point of bringing it back up over and over again. That is counter productive to a relationship.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Yeah I got a kind of complicated question....

Why do my exes pout and get irritated that they don't have control or influence over me anymore even years after we've been broken up?

Like to the point that I have to forcefully exert more energy than I care to just to be an ******* and make them fresia off and leave me alone, and I really don't feel like that should be necessary, why can't they just respect that it's literally been years?

It's the same case in all 3 instances:
I gradually lose interest in them because they value fun more than future structural planning, they start looking for other options to monkey branch off onto and generally do find wealthier men...but they always come back to me, and always want me under their thumb again, and then get upset when I tell them that they officially are no longer unto me and I have no obligation to them. WHY is that, that way? Or rather: What am I doing wrong, and how can I prevent this from happening in the future without exhausting myself to make them leave me alone for good, like without blocking them? Kinda can't block somebody that knows where I live.

Losing control of a man is the worst thing you can ever go through (if you are a manipulative *****)... let's talk about old Cenny.... yeah... she's toxic... so ... I will get control back, but it's a battle because, if you lose control he's seen through you... I dont typically think it has much to do with the man... any man I want to do as I say... will simply do as I say (again, back then) The reason this control is important has little to do with the man, if he... him... will not do as I want, then i'm obviously not as hot as I thought I was (is the mind set) I am obviously not as important as I thought I was... so what is that? That's a harsh reality check. One that no vain woman will accept, so thats why the pursuit gets more aggressive, because now it's ego and pride on the line.

As a woman, I have never been able to get rid of any man that has possessed even the slightest bit of interest in me, because I have messed with their ego. Maybe, you mess with theirs? Like... not intentionally but the initial care you give, they never truly deserved it? Do you go all in from the very start?

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Losing control of a man is the worst thing you can ever go through (if you are a manipulative *****)... let's talk about old Cenny.... yeah... she's toxic... so ... I will get control back, but it's a battle because, if you lose control he's seen through you... I dont typically think it has much to do with the man... any man I want to do as I say... will simply do as I say (again, back then) The reason this control is important has little to do with the man, if he... him... will not do as I want, then i'm obviously not as hot as I thought I was (is the mind set) I am obviously not as important as I thought I was... so what is that? That's a harsh reality check. One that no vain woman will accept, so thats why the pursuit gets more aggressive, because now it's ego and pride on the line.

As a woman, I have never been able to get rid of any man that has possessed even the slightest bit of interest in me, because I have messed with their ego. Maybe, you mess with theirs? Like... not intentionally but the initial care you give, they never truly deserved it? Do you go all in from the very start?

I mostly pursue either standard monogamous relationships, or filter through the fetish community (depending on what city I'm living in).

My mentality is, well, outside of relationships no different than it is inside relationships. Almost everything that motivates me is personal or internal, the external world or the world my body is in only has a physical substance. Whereas most people spend their lives in a panic scramble because our species can conceptualize death and dying, death and dying are actually my main overall looming focal points. That's what gets me going with self drive. So my overall perspective of life is that death is what gives life meaning. It's a positive experience and focal point to me the way that I guess marriage and children and the "American Dream" usually are for other people.

Love fits into my world as entirely optional. I would like it to be there, yes, but it isn't the center and core of my foundation.

Here's the damnedest thing:
I'm extremely open about that. It's the most obvious thing about me other than that I have long hair as a man. Bbbuuuttttt I think me being forward about it gets misunderstood and then glossed over by the rest of the conversation and it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I mostly pursue either standard monogamous relationships, or filter through the fetish community (depending on what city I'm living in).

My mentality is, well, outside of relationships no different than it is inside relationships. Almost everything that motivates me is personal or internal, the external world or the world my body is in only has a physical substance. Whereas most people spend their lives in a panic scramble because our species can conceptualize death and dying, death and dying are actually my main overall looming focal points. That's what gets me going with self drive. So my overall perspective of life is that death is what gives life meaning. It's a positive experience and focal point to me the way that I guess marriage and children and the "American Dream" usually are for other people.

Love fits into my world as entirely optional. I would like it to be there, yes, but it isn't the center and core of my foundation.

Here's the damnedest thing:
I'm extremely open about that. It's the most obvious thing about me other than that I have long hair as a man. Bbbuuuttttt I think me being forward about it gets misunderstood and then glossed over by the rest of the conversation and it goes in one ear and out the other.

Sometimes, it's because some women have an obsession with changing people. Like, nothing more attractive than a man who tells you he can live without you... now he's gotta prove it lol.

 

[J360]

Losing control of a man is the worst thing you can ever go through (if you are a manipulative *****)... let's talk about old Cenny.... yeah... she's toxic... so ... I will get control back, but it's a battle because, if you lose control he's seen through you... I dont typically think it has much to do with the man... any man I want to do as I say... will simply do as I say (again, back then) The reason this control is important has little to do with the man, if he... him... will not do as I want, then i'm obviously not as hot as I thought I was (is the mind set) I am obviously not as important as I thought I was... so what is that? That's a harsh reality check. One that no vain woman will accept, so thats why the pursuit gets more aggressive, because now it's ego and pride on the line.

As a woman, I have never been able to get rid of any man that has possessed even the slightest bit of interest in me, because I have messed with their ego. Maybe, you mess with theirs? Like... not intentionally but the initial care you give, they never truly deserved it? Do you go all in from the very start?

She did I wanted to wait a couple of years. Was married after 8 months and now it’s been 24yrs

 

[J360]

One of them comes by my families place so often and pisses off not just me but also my sister and mother and long story short we've had to have the police remove her from the property and relocate her.



That requires more energy than I prefer to exert, but I can do that. It's just, it's super draining, you know? It's different if I'm spending that same amount of energy on an enjoyable or exciting subject, but when I'm forced to deal with an emotional entanglement, it kinda feels like trying to walk with too much weight attached to your legs, and I hate that sluggish, weighted feeling of emotional entanglement. I can do it without the entanglement but like, you gotta give me a minute. It's tricky but I can do it. The trouble I've got is that I have no middle ground if I'm emotionally engaged in an argument. I'm more likely to say the most messed up and brutal thing possible that they'll probably need therapy for thereafter, than I am to actually shoo them off my front porch with a broom that says fresia Off on it. That's why I don't like having to be more abrasive, I have rage issues and can't totally control it once that container is opened, so I usually just don't open it. That's my problem: I don't know how to be a dick without absolutely destroying someone, I kind of just go from start to finish with a clean cut.



I don't either. They kind of stalk me. I'm surprised they haven't ran into each other yet. They know of each other, but they never met. I have high-functioning social anxiety though, so them following me all over kind of makes me irrationally anxious. In part because of the unpredictable factor that I never know if they're showing up sober or not. If they're drugged out, than yeah, that's gotta be handled carefully.



I try to, but that's pretty much the only type of women that approach me. That's, actually I don't know what NOT having that happen is like, now that I really think about it.

I agree

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You are providing them some kind of support. If you completely ignore them they will stay away. Or, you can tell them that you like them and want to take them to dinner. That has always worked for me. They never contact me again after I do that.

Yep Finished darling… Quickest solution is to give them the ego trip they want

 

[CenotaphGirl]

She did I wanted to wait a couple of years. Was married after 8 months and now it’s been 24yrs

Wait… you are married to someone toxic!?!

 

[J360]

Wait… you are married to someone toxic!?!

Looks like I am now I’m not so sure what to do

 

[J360]

Anyone have any advice about the mess I’m in

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Really like the advice and passion thanks. I I’m still married to her but it’s looking like that road is coming to an end. She is demanding an apology but I won’t give it because in 24 years of marriage If she can reach back 15 years and make demands, then what’s stopping her from bringing up more history. I did tell her if we have a disagreement and we resolve it I don’t see the point of bringing it back up over and over again. That is counter productive to a relationship.

I think to divorce over apology sounds like pride. We tend to think that time heals all wounds, but if something from years ago hurt me, or if anything is hurting me, I would want to be able to tell my partner about it. I would want my feelings to be valid and not have an "expiry date" as thats just not how feelings work. Sort it out together, my dad always said "never be too proud to say, I'm sorry".

 

[J360]

Yep Finished darling… Quickest solution is to give them the ego trip they want

Not really in my nature to cave in to the self my understanding is that is the destroyer. By the way interesting name you have

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Not really in my nature to cave in to the self my understanding is that is the destroyer. By the way interesting name you have

Hmm interesting, what do you mean by this? And yeah deffo a strange name lol

 

[Unsigned]

Anyone have any advice about the mess I’m in

Fill your car with gas and point it towards Mexico.

Sorry, I know that is not really advice...but I just couldn't resist a Honeymooners reference...

 

[Butterfly 2]

Not really in my nature to cave in to the self my understanding is that is the destroyer. By the way interesting name you have

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.