Questions for the Women

[J360]

I think to divorce over apology sounds like pride. We tend to think that time heals all wounds, but if something from years ago hurt me, or if anything is hurting me, I would want to be able to tell my partner about it. I would want my feelings to be valid and not have an "expiry date" as thats just not how feelings work. Sort it out together, my dad always said "never be too proud to say, I'm sorry". I

I think to divorce over apology sounds like pride. We tend to think that time heals all wounds, but if something from years ago hurt me, or if anything is hurting me, I would want to be able to tell my partner about it. I would want my feelings to be valid and not have an "expiry date" as thats just not how feelings work. Sort it out together, my dad always said "never be too proud to say, I'm sorry".

Pride and ego are fun but when does the apology becomes used as an instrument of manipulation. If you do something wrong and apologize at what point do you say I’ve apologized 100 times nothing has changed and the thing that your apologizing for is not being repeated then what. There comes a point that the apology becomes something else and no longer an issue of pride. I’m trying to understand the underlying reason why a person would need an apology over and over, I believe the apology is being used to fulfill something in the self. My understanding is that we do things (behaviors) in our lives that serve us in some way. Example: A child grows up being called stupid by the parents the child grows up never feeling smart enough or good enough so child over compensates and becomes an overachiever or believes the parents assessment and under achieves in their life. Not realizing it was never about him/her the parents did this because they needed to push the child down to fulfill an inadequacy in themselves. You know something like that. So what do you think.

 

[J360]

So

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.

what

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.

So what happened was this.

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.

So this is what happened . I work as a contractor running my own business and work long hours and I’m under obligation to get the contract work done within a specified timeframe. My wife would call me every day asking when I would be home and it was usually between 5 to 8 so I ask if she would not call every day and as soon as I was on my way I would call her. I did call her every night on the way home and talk to her on the 45 minute ride home. She said I blew her off and ignored her and still bring this up wanting yet again an apology for that.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Pride and ego are fun but when does the apology becomes used as an instrument of manipulation. If you do something wrong and apologize at what point do you say I’ve apologized 100 times nothing has changed and the thing that your apologizing for is not being repeated then what. There comes a point that the apology becomes something else and no longer an issue of pride. I’m trying to understand the underlying reason why a person would need an apology over and over, I believe the apology is being used to fulfill something in the self. My understanding is that we do things (behaviors) in our lives that serve us in some way. Example: A child grows up being called stupid by the parents the child grows up never feeling smart enough or good enough so child over compensates and becomes an overachiever or believes the parents assessment and under achieves in their life. Not realizing it was never about him/her the parents did this because they needed to push the child down to fulfill an inadequacy in themselves. You know something like that. So what do you think.

How do you feel manipulated? If she is making you say sorry for something you didnt do, I can see the manipulation, but time doesn't make what you did any less your fault lol This is interesting. Maybe the part you are focusing on is the apology, maybe she wants to understand why you did what you did. You believe the apology is being used to fulfill something in the self? Like what?


I think, honestly... and this is coming from me, you are overthinking it, just say sorry, buy her favourite snack and tell her you appreciate her feelings, they are valid, and move on. Wouldn't that be easier than all of this?

 

[J360]

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.

Could you share with us what the subject was that she brought up? If it was something along the lines of you having an affair 15 years ago, just like someone else said, there could have been something that you did now that triggered her memory and pain of it.

I'm also not quite understanding what you mean by "Caving in". Do you mean you aren't willing to discuss it with her? Not willing to reassure her that you do love her?

Like Ceno, I would want to discuss my feelings with my spouse.

N/A, it sounds like your ex's are somewhat crazy or obsessed. If I came to your family's house and you called the cops to have me removed, I would probably take the hint and never contact you again.

I’ve discussed this issue with her over and over it like having a conversation that goes in a circle we discuss we resolve we repeat.

 

[Unsigned]

So

what

So what happened was this.

So this is what happened . I work as a contractor running my own business and work long hours and I’m under obligation to get the contract work done within a specified timeframe. My wife would call me every day asking when I would be home and it was usually between 5 to 8 so I ask if she would not call every day and as soon as I was on my way I would call her. I did call her every night on the way home and talk to her on the 45 minute ride home. She said I blew her off and ignored her and still bring this up wanting yet again an apology for that.

Wow.
That doesn't seem like that big of a deal at all.
In fact, you were being a hard working good husband & provider.
Something she should appreciate you for, not give you grief over.
I could see if you hit her, or gambled away rent money or something.
But that???
My goodness, what a nothing burger for someone to get upset over.
And you even talked to her in the car on the ride home.
Seems very reasonable and caring to me.
I'm not married nor have I ever even had a girlfriend, but I would ask the married members here, is fighting over something as (what seems to me) as trivial as this common?

 

[Rohini]

So this is what happened . I work as a contractor running my own business and work long hours and I’m under obligation to get the contract work done within a specified timeframe. My wife would call me every day asking when I would be home and it was usually between 5 to 8 so I ask if she would not call every day and as soon as I was on my way I would call her. I did call her every night on the way home and talk to her on the 45 minute ride home. She said I blew her off and ignored her and still bring this up wanting yet again an apology for that.

That is what she is mad about ? 15 years later?
I don't mean to say you're lying... but it just sounds as if a good chunk of the story is missing here... ?

 

[Ima Lone]

Question for the women, -

Would one of you lovely ladies like a male pen pal?
I have a friend, a "lonely guy" type who would just
love to correspond with a lonely female type. But I
and he, understand that just exchanging email
pleasantries isn't for everyone. If you're interested,
send me a PM and I can tell you more.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Wow.
That doesn't seem like that big of a deal at all.
In fact, you were being a hard working good husband & provider.
Something she should appreciate you for, not give you grief over.
I could see if you hit her, or gambled away rent money or something.
But that???
My goodness, what a nothing burger for someone to get upset over.
And you even talked to her in the car on the ride home.
Seems very reasonable and caring to me.
I'm not married nor have I ever even had a girlfriend, but I would ask the married members here, is fighting over something as (what seems to me) as trivial as this common?

No. It is not normal. It doesn't really sound like it should have been a big deal even 15 years ago when it happened.

I was letting my imagination run wild and honestly, I thought there was probably an affair or some cheating going on and J360 was maybe flirting with another girl and it triggered a painful thing that happened 15 years ago. I'm not really sure why that offended her or what you would actually have to apologize for. It just sounds like she needs to be reassured that you love her and you always put her first. Sometimes we all need that.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I’ve discussed this issue with her over and over it like having a conversation that goes in a circle we discuss we resolve we repeat.

But how did you discuss it? Was it civil, not snotty, not "***** this is how it is" type of way? Did she understand everything? Has there ever been cheating on either side? What's her version of what happened? Were you snotty about it 15 years ago? Did something happen recently that reminded her of it?
I'm not saying you did anything wrong, my family and my ex have always been in the construction business, so I understand not knowing exactly when you will be home. I'm just pointing out that just because you thought it was a simple, no nonsense thing (which it is, if you are giving all the facts), she may have seen it another way. Maybe talk to her and ask her exactly what the issue was and really try to understand her point of view.

Or she may just be the type of person that insists of bringing everything up for attention or something. I really don't know. Just some thoughts to consider.

 

[J360]

Wow.
That doesn't seem like that big of a deal at all.
In fact, you were being a hard working good husband & provider.
Something she should appreciate you for, not give you grief over.
I could see if you hit her, or gambled away rent money or something.
But that???
My goodness, what a nothing burger for someone to get upset over.
And you even talked to her in the car on the ride home.
Seems very reasonable and caring to me.
I'm not married nor have I ever even had a girlfriend, but I would ask the married members here, is fighting over something as (what seems to me) as trivial as this common?

That’s how I feel about it so that’s why I was wondering if there could be something else going on.

 

[J360]

Wow.
That doesn't seem like that big of a deal at all.
In fact, you were being a hard working good husband & provider.
Something she should appreciate you for, not give you grief over.
I could see if you hit her, or gambled away rent money or something.
But that???
My goodness, what a nothing burger for someone to get upset over.
And you even talked to her in the car on the ride home.
Seems very reasonable and caring to me.
I'm not married nor have I ever even had a girlfriend, but I would ask the married members here, is fighting over something as (what seems to me) as trivial as this common?

And yes it is a regular event to keep arguing about little dumb things like that

 

[J360]

How do you feel manipulated? If she is making you say sorry for something you didnt do, I can see the manipulation, but time doesn't make what you did any less your fault lol This is interesting. Maybe the part you are focusing on is the apology, maybe she wants to understand why you did what you did. You believe the apology is being used to fulfill something in the self? Like what?


I think, honestly... and this is coming from me, you are overthinking it, just say sorry, buy her favourite snack and tell her you appreciate her feelings, they are valid, and move on. Wouldn't that be easier than all of this?

I will give it a try and see what happens

 

[Unsigned]

And yes it is a regular event to keep arguing about little dumb things like that

Oof....That's gotta be tough.
Sometimes I am not so "down" about being a lifelong bachelor...

 

[J360]

But how did you discuss it? Was it civil, not snotty, not "***** this is how it is" type of way? Did she understand everything? Has there ever been cheating on either side? What's her version of what happened? Were you snotty about it 15 years ago? Did something happen recently that reminded her of it?
I'm not saying you did anything wrong, my family and my ex have always been in the construction business, so I understand not knowing exactly when you will be home. I'm just pointing out that just because you thought it was a simple, no nonsense thing (which it is, if you are giving all the facts), she may have seen it another way. Maybe talk to her and ask her exactly what the issue was and really try to understand her point of view.

Or she may just be the type of person that insists of bringing everything up for attention or something. I really don't know. Just some thoughts to consider.

I honestly told her enough with what happened 15 years ago and I refuse to engage her in the conversation and said I’m done with the same conversation we’ve have for 15 years and if she wants to stay with me than enough. I reminded her there are ups and downs in relationships and we can’t keep bringing up every down in the relationship over and over and it’s time for closure.

 

[J360]

So

what

So what happened was this.

So this is what happened . I work as a contractor running my own business and work long hours and I’m under obligation to get the contract work done within a specified timeframe. My wife would call me every day asking when I would be home and it was usually between 5 to 8 so I ask if she would not call every day and as soon as I was on my way I would call her. I did call her every night on the way home and talk to her on the 45 minute ride home. She said I blew her off and ignored her and still bring this up wanting yet again an apology for that.

No I never had an affair I just wanted her to stop calling me every day when I was working. I don’t get it

 

[J360]

How do you feel manipulated? If she is making you say sorry for something you didnt do, I can see the manipulation, but time doesn't make what you did any less your fault lol This is interesting. Maybe the part you are focusing on is the apology, maybe she wants to understand why you did what you did. You believe the apology is being used to fulfill something in the self? Like what?


I think, honestly... and this is coming from me, you are overthinking it, just say sorry, buy her favourite snack and tell her you appreciate her feelings, they are valid, and move on. Wouldn't that be easier than all of this?

And yes I’m an analytical thinker and I overthink everything

 

[user 139760]

Sometimes, it's because some women have an obsession with changing people. Like, nothing more attractive than a man who tells you he can live without you... now he's gotta prove it lol.

I always found that to be a very unhealthy outlook. Also...pretty easy to accomplish. If you need someone to live, I think it's because there's something you're not doing right. It's an additive, a +1, not a necessity.

 

[user 139760]

No I never had an affair I just wanted her to stop calling me every day when I was working. I don’t get it

This reminds me of an event, at the time when I was a manager working 12 hour shifts, the mother of my kids, who was off of work and pregnant at the time, would call me to give me crap because the PlayStation wasn't working. It was funny the first time.
Seems to me you have a choice. Of how much you can take and how important this relationship is to you.
Because, if you look at it by the definition of insanity, things are unlikely to change much in the next 24 years, unless you try something out of the box.

 

[TheRealCallie]

No I never had an affair I just wanted her to stop calling me every day when I was working. I don’t get it

I asked if either of you had an affair. If one of you had cheated that would explain why she would be bent out of shape about you never knowing when you were going to be home and her checking up on you. On that note, has she ever accused you of cheating on her?
A little bit different, but my ex would often go the bar after saying he would be working late. But, he was an abusive alcoholic *******, so there's that.
So, my point is...did she believe you were actually working. Calling at various times could have reassured her that you were where you said you were going to be. No, it's not right, she should trust you, but it does happen.

But that said, if you two are incapable of effectively communicating with each other and one or both of you doesn't trust the other....the relationship will not work. Love is definitely not everything.

 

[J360]

This reminds me of an event, at the time when I was a manager working 12 hour shifts, the mother of my kids, who was off of work and pregnant at the time, would call me to give me crap because the PlayStation wasn't working. It was funny the first time.
Seems to me you have a choice. Of how much you can take and how important this relationship is to you.
Because, if you look at it by the definition of insanity, things are unlikely to change much in the next 24 years, unless you try something out of the box.

I think your right on.

Oof....That's gotta be tough.
Sometimes I am not so "down" about being a lifelong bachelor...

I asked if either of you had an affair. If one of you had cheated that would explain why she would be bent out of shape about you never knowing when you were going to be home and her checking up on you. On that note, has she ever accused you of cheating on her?
A little bit different, but my ex would often go the bar after saying he would be working late. But, he was an abusive alcoholic *******, so there's that.
So, my point is...did she believe you were actually working. Calling at various times could have reassured her that you were where you said you were going to be. No, it's not right, she should trust you, but it does happen.

But that said, if you two are incapable of effectively communicating with each other and one or both of you doesn't trust the other....the relationship will not work. Love is definitely not everything.

No but she was raised by a narcissist mother so I’m wondering if that could have something to do with it.