mgill said:
i can imagine that having a physical deformity would make things far worse. that being said, being tall & lean is very attractive to most women. instead of working on gaining muscle, perhaps you could concentrate on getting lean & ripped? i tend to think that if i were even of average height at 5'10 my dating life would have been SO much better as opposed to being non-existent. also, can your teeth be fixed by a dental procedure?
for me, it is combination of negatives which add up to such a huge level of unattractiveness. along with being short at 5'6 & below average facially, i also shave my head due to hair loss. in other words, i am almost the complete opposite of what is considered desirable. there really is no possible way to make up for such negative shortcomings.
My face qualifies as a deformity or disfigurement - though it doesn't look like one. I just look like an extremely ugly person with an odd face - which can be much worse than looking overtly disfigured. Many people can understand an overt disfigurement and have empathy for that person. However, looking extremely ugly - not like a disfigurement - gives people license to bully, abuse, treat poorly, and exclude.
When I'm anxious/awkward, I look very unattractive and old for my age. However, when I'm relaxed and my true self, I look fine, and I seem like a likeable, well-adjusted "normie." My slightly disfigured face, when I'm relaxed, just looks loveably unique.
My problem, again, is that I'm automatically weird/uncomfortable around people I like, and comfortable/normal around people who aren't that appealing to me. So the people I like see the worst version of myself - uglier, boring, cold - that's their wrong impression of me because I'm uncontrollably anxious/uncomfortable around them. And if I truly find someone unappealing (<.01% of people I ever come across) - then I uncontrollably relax, and my true self comes out - fun, radiant, interesting, normal, desirable-enough - and so they like me. But I honestly find those people unappealing, and no matter how much I try to like and embrace them, I'm ultimately very hurt - spending time with them is extremely painful and ungratifying.
So I can never find anyone.
It's the same for guys - even the ones who have never dated will not date a girl they find very physically unappealing, as well as unappealing in other ways. If they do start dating a girl they find unappealing - they'll quickly stop because the girl is truly nothing to them. They cannot spend a great amount of time, much less their lives, with someone they truly dislike, aren't attracted to, and find unappealing in various ways.
It's been said that ugly people won't date other ugly people.
Some people aren't even ugly per se - it's other factors that make them undesirable, such as weird/nerdy/Aspie body language, strange/awkward voice, straight/boring personality, etc. - made worse if they're also POC.
In my area, at least, where being creative/cool is seen as the greatest thing in the world - people really like the "creatives" who are in UX/UI, or are writers, designers, artists, photographers, musicians, etc. These aspirational, artsy careers instantly elevate anyone from loser to cool person.
But the people who choose to make these creative fields their careers - rather than just a hobby - are a pretty self-selecting and unique group. It seems almost everyone in a creative field already has some type of respectable, cool vibe that makes them popular enough in any context, including dating.
