What men vs what women want

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Eve, I don't know. Seems like, if you don't like children, you can just date someone else.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Eve, I don't know. Seems like, if you don't like children, you can just date someone else.

Not liking children and not wanting to date someone who has one is totally different from what he said, which was that dating someone with a child would be abusive and humiliating. I never said anything about someone not liking children.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd feel abused because I want to have children of my own and bringing up somebody else's children needs so much effort and money that will make my life much harder and be a big obstacle to having my own children.. The selfish gene and all that.

Well... if you happen to date someone with kids, they would probably eventually grow on you. Also, the circumstance in why the father is absent (if he is absent at all) would take into consideration. Just because someone's a single parent, doesn't mean that the other parent isn't involved.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The funny thing is, I am living with five kids (my sister, who is a single mom, and her five kids are living here), and even though I am a virgin and have no experience with dating, I would be open to dating a single mom.

The only issues I would have with dating a single mom is these three things:

1. She probably would care more about her kids than carrying on a sexual relationship. If I enter a sexless and kissless relationship, and just become "the dad", what is the point? I am living a sexless and kissless life alone right now, and I don't have to worry about trying to be a role model to someone else's kids.
2. She would be less likely to want to have biological kids with me, and that is the kind of father I want to be. I want to pass on my genes.
3. If I am the dad of someone else's kids, how am I not supposed to be bitter about that? I've been single for so long...if the only person who will accept me was someone who made poor choices before, and then settled for me, what does that make me?

 

[EveWasFramed]

The funny thing is, I am living with five kids (my sister, who is a single mom, and her five kids are living here), and even though I am a virgin and have no experience with dating, I would be open to dating a single mom.

The only issues I would have with dating a single mom is these three things:

1. She probably would care more about her kids than carrying on a sexual relationship. If I enter a sexless and kissless relationship, and just become "the dad", what is the point? I am living a sexless and kissless life alone right now, and I don't have to worry about trying to be a role model to someone else's kids.

I don't even know where to begin with such nonsensical notions, so I will just start with your number 1.
A woman with a child isn't always looking for a father for her child. What the hell?? My child HAS a father. She can only have ONE father. WTF? A woman has a child so you think she wants to enter into a sexless relationship? I'm sorry, nothing personal, but that has to be the most ABSURD notion I've ever heard.

2. She would be less likely to want to have biological kids with me, and that is the kind of father I want to be. I want to pass on my genes.

It would depend on how many kids she had already. If you know she doesn't want any more, DONT get into a relationship with her. Simple.

3. If I am the dad of someone else's kids, how am I not supposed to be bitter about that?

You wouldnt be the dad of someone elses kids. They have a father unless he's DEAD. And as I stated previously, the vast majority of single mom's are looking for a replacement dad. Geez. Bitter? Why would you be bitter? Where does bitterness even factor in??

I've been single for so long...if the only person who will accept me was someone who made poor choices before, and then settled for me, what does that make me?

And finally, to this bit of lunacy. THIS part of what you said is what really sticks in my craw. To imply that single mom's are always people who made "poor choices" has to be the biggest bunch of CRAP I've seen spewed on this forum to date. You think every single mom out there made some kind of poor choice and that's why she's a single mom?? Some of us didn't CHOOSE any ******* thing! God damn my blood is boiling right now. What? You think single mom's have to "settle" for whoever will ******* have them?!
Think a-*******-gain!
The next time someone wants to spout some kind of hairbrained drivel such as this, expect me to be all ******* over it. I get so DAMN sick of people who don't know a damn thing about being in a relationship with a person who has a child, making asinine assumptions based on their own bias.

EDIT:
On a personal note, I don't think that leaningintothemuse is a bad person - I think that he needs to realize that his post was hurtful and extremely insulting to every single parent. That kind of view is largely based on ignorance of the issue.

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs* Eve. I feel you and I know what you're talking about.

My sister is a single mother because her ex-husband turned abusive... he wasn't before they were married and got 2 kids, until he got an affair, didn't want a third child with my sister, but she didn't want to abort... he kicked her and beat her up till she got a miscarriage.

If anything, I'm so glad he's not with her anymore. But yes, he's still the father and still sees the children. I don't think my sister made a poor choice to marry him. He was a great guy back then when I knew him. Don't know what happened.

How is one to know that the man or woman you love is going to turn into a crazy abusive *******?

 

[frey12]

Evolutionary Psychology is highly suspect. They continue to make baseless claims that do not stand up to the universal(naturalist) idea of what humans should want. This entire statement should be disregard Gondwanaland, unless it can be proven by scientific peer review. (all evolutionary psychology I have heard of including this cannot be peer reviewed and proven true.)
Scientific method requires an ability to test a hypothesis. How does one test this in a trust worthy sampled way to prove it is not a generalization? That should of been answered by the source of where you got this from.

Because women invest more resources into rearing children, such as a nine month gestation, it is argued that they must select a mate who is willing to participate in rearing children.

Perfanoff um what? Okay do you know what abuse means?

I'd feel abused because I want to have children of my own and bringing up somebody else's children needs so much effort and money that will make my life much harder and be a big obstacle to having my own children.. The selfish gene and all that.

Finally this thread is just a vent thread for a person who cannot get someone to love them, and is resentful. I have been there, but this is taking a deeply sexist turn and needs to be moderated. K. THX. BYE.

 

[VanillaCreme]

3. If I am the dad of someone else's kids, how am I not supposed to be bitter about that? I've been single for so long...if the only person who will accept me was someone who made poor choices before, and then settled for me, what does that make me?

While I can understand the first two points... I just can't this one. Bitter about what? Things happen because they happen. It doesn't mean that the person would "settle" for you. I don't think single mothers "settle" for anyone. And I certainly don't believe that their children from a previously relationship should be considered "poor choices." And what would make you think that she was the only one who would accept you? I'm sure there are plenty of people who would.

You're completely entitled to feel how you want about the situation, but I'm sorry, I just don't see logic in that.

 

[ucxb]

what mind f*cking concepts people have ! much respect, fascination, and appreciation to any parent no matter their relationship status... and no way, no how can another try to walk in a parents shoes

edit: still recovering from being mind f*cked and want to give more praise to single parents, i put you all on a pedestal

 

[kamya]

I find that someone being a single mother isn't a dealbreaker for me but it would probably take me much longer to commit to that kind of relationship than it would if the person had no kids. Parents have different priorities and responsibilities that can sometimes not mesh well with the freedoms of someone that has no kids.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I find that someone being a single mother isn't a dealbreaker for me but it would probably take me much longer to commit to that kind of relationship than it would if the person had no kids. Parents have different priorities and responsibilities that can sometimes not mesh well with the freedoms of someone that has no kids.

It would depend on the age of the kids as well. For say, some older folks who have grown children. Sure, they're parents, and sure, they probably enjoy being in their children's lives, but the kids themselves probably don't depend on them either. So, in that circumstance, I would say their responsibilities as a parent are much lessened than those who have younger kids.

 

[theraab]

Here's a list of 10 reasons I can think of why dating a single mother would be better than dating a woman without kids:

1. She is less likely to cheat since she probably doesn't have the time/energy for more than one man
2. Those weekends when the kids are with their father - all that pent up energy would make a sailor blush
3. She is less likely to bust your chops if you're normally a messy guy (because you'll never be "toddler messy")
4. She's more likely to cook a home cooked meal for you (because one more serving doesn't take much more effort)
5. She's not going to spend the night at your place, so no excessive cleaning (you don't even have to scrub that orange mold off the floor of your shower - or "bachelor mold" as I call it - that I never had when Jackie was here)
6. Whatever bodily odors you can produce will barely faze her after having changed diapers
7. If you want kids of your own, you at least know she's able
8. If the kids are a little bit older, you can play video games with them and not get yelled at for being lazy (you're "spending quality time" with the kids)
9. Her expectations of you are probably a lot more realistic than that cute little airhead at the club
10. If you want kids of your own, you will at least know how good of a mother she is before getting serious with her

 

[VanillaCreme]

Here's a list of 10 reasons I can think of why dating a single mother would be better than dating a woman without kids:

1. She is less likely to cheat since she probably doesn't have the time/energy for more than one man
2. Those weekends when the kids are with their father - all that pent up energy would make a sailor blush
3. She is less likely to bust your chops if you're normally a messy guy (because you'll never be "toddler messy")
4. She's more likely to cook a home cooked meal for you (because one more serving doesn't take much more effort)
5. She's not going to spend the night at your place, so no excessive cleaning (you don't even have to scrub that orange mold off the floor of your shower - or "bachelor mold" as I call it - that I never had when Jackie was here)
6. Whatever bodily odors you can produce will barely faze her after having changed diapers
7. If you want kids of your own, you at least know she's able
8. If the kids are a little bit older, you can play video games with them and not get yelled at for being lazy (you're "spending quality time" with the kids)
9. Her expectations of you are probably a lot more realistic than that cute little airhead at the club
10. If you want kids of your own, you will at least know how good of a mother she is before getting serious with her

And Raab with the win again.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm not saying that kids out of a single mother relationship are poor choices. Geez.

For your information, I am the product of a single "wham bam thank you ma'am" relationship. My dad left my mom to raise me on her own. My dad wasn't a good person, but if he hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here.

I'm deleting the rest of my response, because I am replying to someone who is bitter themselves, and I probably just got attacked for stating my honest opinion.

Oh, and my sister is a single mom. I love her kids like they are my own. All of her ex's are *********s who are in jail or have been in jail. Maybe I'm not the best person to ask this question to.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . and B.) You also judged me, based on my own lifestyle which you knew nothing about.

I'll give you that. Perhaps some people would twist your words into saying something you either didn't really say, or didn't really mean... But to be fair, you don't know other people's lives either. If you can honestly say that you can read back and think - outside of your own voice and mind - that what you said didn't sound like how a few of us pointed out, then you can just tell us we're wrong.

Either way, you don't know someone until you know them, and that includes anyone with kids. Fathers, or mothers, not being in someone's life can happen several different ways. I know I don't need to really tell you this, but the situation isn't always how it appears.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I think I judged all single mothers, based on the experiences that my mom and sister have had. Which is never good.

"A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open." - Frank Zappa

My situation happens a lot, but Eve could have been in a loving relationship or marriage that turned bad or they fell out of love with each other. Which is completely different.

But I wasn't directing my response towards Eve...I didn't even know she was a single mother! So I basically got blasted for being bitter by someone who was also bitter. I'm sorry that I'm bitter, I really am, but I never meant to offend anybody. I was just stating my honest opinion, based on my own experiences.

Irregardless, this is just a forum. If you take what I say seriously, turn the computer off, step outside, and breathe the fresh air. Life is much more than what a stranger says over wires and cables and electronic bits.

 

[EveWasFramed]

FYI: I'm not bitter - I was MAD as hell about some of the stereotypical ******** I was reading. I'm not a bitter person, don't hold grudges and don't think "all men are *******s" due to the actions of a few. I didn't judge anyone based on their "lifestyle" - I gave a rebuttal to what I read. I also stand by my post. Also, I will remind Muse that I did say I don't consider him a bad person. Being around other single moms is NOT the same as being in a relationship with one!
I don't fault people for shying away from dating people with children and understand that it's a personal choice. I took issue with the insults interlaced in stated "opinions."

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm sorry, Eve, I never meant to offend you.

I did apologize, sort of, but I will apologize to all single mothers. Everyone goes on their own path, and everyone has different experiences.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm sorry, Eve, I never meant to offend you.

I did apologize, sort of, but I will apologize to all single mothers. Everyone goes on their own path, and everyone has different experiences.

Apology accepted. I DID feel bad for scolding you, but this forum isn't very inviting a lot of times for women in general, as well as single parents. I was 37 when I had my daughter, we had dated for a year and a half and then had been married for a year and a half before my baby was born. I married a man who had two children of his own (who lived with him). Fast forward a few years and he comes back from Iraq acting like a selfish ******* and ignores me, all three of his kids, and life as a whole.
My story isn't all that uncommon either. I dont make a point of spilling my guts about my personal life (because a lot of it is painful) but I will tell you about my own experience and how I became a single mom, in hopes that some of the stereotypes can be broken.
As I said, he became a selfish jerk, who pretty much abandoned his family for is own selfish persuits, which included several addictions (not drugs) and talking to other women on line (who he started talking to while he was deployed). Eventually, he chose to leave to be with one of those women (who actually lives in another country). That was two and a half years ago. He STILL hasn't ever actually MET the woman.
My point is, I didn't make a poor choice - my ex did. And he will likely pay for that with the indifference his children will always feel toward him because of the way he tossed them aside.
I also realize there are plenty of women who might fall into the category that you've pointed to as well, Muse. But to lump all single moms (parents) into the same rotten barrel of apples just isn't fair.
I will also apologize for lashing out.

 

[lusker]

I'll just tap dance through this minefield!