Why don't women ever approach men?

[VanillaCreme]

Ding ding. We have a winner.

That would be my guess as well. It's nice to hear it from someone else though. Bonus points go to you since you seem to be a bit of a prog fan.

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Don't feel bad. I've never been approached by a woman. It happens.

See I knew it wasn't just me. I knew there had to be other guys out there who have had similar experiences.

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No, it's not just you, and I'm pretty sure there's many more men who would share the same thoughts. But to think it's so one-sided just because you've never been approached yourself doesn't mean that women don't approach guys at all.

 

[AiyanaS]

I'm a shy girl and I admit I've approach some guys first, and I'm average looking and the guys I've approached range in physical appearance. I don't judge by looks, I just need to feel the spark though (the spark does exist btw I've felt it 2 times in my life). Though over the past couple years I've learned, from my own personal experience, that its socially unacceptable for girls to make the first move and that it is better that the guys approach a girl first. Though, that usually doesn't stop me. Why not try and strike up a conversation with a girl while waiting in line at a store? You never know...

 

[Mike413]

It's kind of a lose/lose for men too. If a guy doesn't approach then basically it's pretty unlikely(although as I have been reminded only a million times on here not impossible or TOTALLY out of the question)that a woman will approach him. So if the man approaches he risks rejection(if you want to look at it that way). This is the reason why I will usually not ask a woman to dance right off the bat. If I'm just going up to talk to her then she's not really rejecting me because I haven't asked her out(yet)and I just want to see if she is friendly. I suggest most guys look at it that way. Also, I definitely do not go out expecting a woman to approach me. I have had women make little innocent comments here and there but I would hardly consider that approaching me. As a man I often feel like I have to apologize for saying something first. Something along the lines of "I'm just saying something to be friendly, I'm not trying to pick you up or anything." Not that exactly but something that seems to convey that. It's all just a game. One thing is for sure. It's all just a game. There's pretty much no way of getting around that.

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Ok, so everything is all well and good. But what about this. What about when I know a woman and have talked to her before but she still expects me to talk to her first. We are acquaintances and have spoken before but yet I am still expected to initiate and carry the conversation. The woman not approaching thing I get and understand but that last one I mentioned I don't get. Either they really aren't interested in talking to me or are just playing hard to get.

 

[ardour]

For the majority it's an offence to their egos to have to do that. They want to be the desired, not the desirer.
Even if strongly attracted to a particular man they'll wait for him to initiate or nothing will happen. Just the way it is.

 

[EveWasFramed]

We are acquaintances and have spoken before but yet I am still expected to initiate and carry the conversation. The woman not approaching thing I get and understand but that last one I mentioned I don't get. Either they really aren't interested in talking to me or are just playing hard to get.

Maybe it's not a "woman" thing? I know lots of people that won't start the convo (nor keep it going), both male and female. That's a "personailty" thing sometimes - not a gender thing.

 

[nerdygirl]

I find it interesting that after saying women don't approach men, you mentioned that some females have approached you. The thing is, they were women who didn't capture your interest. So does the fact that there wasn't a mutual attraction invalidate the fact that it actually happened?

Personally, I've initiated each relationship I've been in. I've been the first one to say, "I'm attracted to you," or whatever. If I was to do what you did there (base my understanding on personal experience with preferable candidates), I could ask, "Why don't men approach women?" However, we all know men approach women. So it's just me. It bothers me sometimes, but if it bothered me a lot, I'd make an effort to change some aspect or another about myself in order to encourage men to approach me. So I'd say that if you want women you find attractive to approach you, perhaps you should change something about yourself to encourage this behaviour.

 

[EveWasFramed]

For the majority it's an offence to their egos to have to do that. They want to be the desired, not the desirer.
Even if strongly attracted to a particular man they'll wait for him to initiate or nothing will happen. Just the way it is.

*sigh*
Seriously? If that's your honest opinion or experience with the women you know, you should consider broadening your knowledge base and experience. I bet if you made an anonymous poll and asked women if it offended their ego to let a guy know that she liked him (using whatever her favored means might be) that the VAST majority would unequivocally respond "NO." I've always found that men LIKE it when a woman is willing to take the pressure off of them by giving them some "sign" that she's interested.
I'd be very curious to get some opinions on this from the female members of the forum....

 

[ajdass1]

A lot of women I've talked to simply feel it's not SAFE to approach guys, even if they want to; even asking out guys they already know. A lot of men, conversely, seem to expect that if a woman is asking him out that means she must want to have sex with him and get all offended when they don;t. This has led to my friends having experiences such as going up to talk to a guy, finding out he's not who she wants, and then being yelled at, called a bitch or a whore, harassed, followed...?

"I'm afraid for my safety because I don't know how a guy will react and whether or not he will turn violent" is a very compelling reason to not be approaching them.

Of course, I also know women who will approach whatever guy they want, they just don't give a ****. Like Nilla said, there are many possible reasons for women not to approach men and to be honest, I think it's unfair to complain about women not approaching men when there are many, many women who have ample reason to feel unsafe doing so. (Not that you're complaining, I know that you were just asking the question, but I do know men who complain endlessly about it)

 

[Mike413]

RE: Nerdygirl's comment:Women have only approached me very rarely and never in more than a friendly or polite way. Still, it's very, very rare. Like I said, I don't count it if a woman is asking me to grab her something from the top shelf in a grocery store or if she is a saleswoman or something.

As for a bar or nightclub or some other social way, no never happened in a romantic way. "Excuse me, could you pass me the napkin" or "excuse me..." after bumping into me or "i'm sorry" after bumping into me doesn't count. I've never had a woman say "Hi, my name is Tina. You seem like a cool guy. I'd like to get to know you as a friend(or lover)"etc.

 

[Limlim]

It's hard to do a case study comparing the people on this forum to most that you'll meet out and about. Remember we're all here because we're lonely (or most of us are) and generally that translates to either being somewhat isolationist either through circumstance, socialability or desire. We aren't your every day joe blows and jane blows who will be able to give you the answers you seek from the "Majority".

Hell I'll even go out and say the women I've talked to here are quite easily a cut above the rest, so they're terrible examples! lol.

 

[Mike413]

A lot of women I've talked to simply feel it's not SAFE to approach guys, even if they want to; even asking out guys they already know. A lot of men, conversely, seem to expect that if a woman is asking him out that means she must want to have sex with him and get all offended when they don;t. This has led to my friends having experiences such as going up to talk to a guy, finding out he's not who she wants, and then being yelled at, called a bitch or a whore, harassed, followed...?

"I'm afraid for my safety because I don't know how a guy will react and whether or not he will turn violent" is a very compelling reason to not be approaching them.

Of course, I also know women who will approach whatever guy they want, they just don't give a ****. Like Nilla said, there are many possible reasons for women not to approach men and to be honest, I think it's unfair to complain about women not approaching men when there are many, many women who have ample reason to feel unsafe doing so. (Not that you're complaining, I know that you were just asking the question, but I do know men who complain endlessly about it)

I try not to complain about it. Lol. I think most men accept it unconditionally but that's not me. I accept it but I try to understand it.

As for the safety thing that argument doesn't really hold up imo. Maybe to some degree but if a man approaches a woman and he's a creep or weirdo or in in the dark that's not safe either. It's more about the man and not whether she approaches him or not. Maybe in the sense that the guy might get pissed off because he thinks her approaching him is an invitation to easy sex? I don't think it works that way though and I don't think hardly any guys would be ignorant enough to make that assumption let alone be pissed off if they didn't get that right off the bat.

Most men love it when a woman approaches them because it happens so rarely. I don't care how buff or super handsome you are it's not something that's going to happen much to you period.

 

[EveWasFramed]

A lot of women I've talked to simply feel it's not SAFE to approach guys, even if they want to; even asking out guys they already know. A lot of men, conversely, seem to expect that if a woman is asking him out that means she must want to have sex with him and get all offended when they don;t. This has led to my friends having experiences such as going up to talk to a guy, finding out he's not who she wants, and then being yelled at, called a bitch or a whore, harassed, followed...?

"I'm afraid for my safety because I don't know how a guy will react and whether or not he will turn violent" is a very compelling reason to not be approaching them.

Of course, I also know women who will approach whatever guy they want, they just don't give a ****. Like Nilla said, there are many possible reasons for women not to approach men and to be honest, I think it's unfair to complain about women not approaching men when there are many, many women who have ample reason to feel unsafe doing so. (Not that you're complaining, I know that you were just asking the question, but I do know men who complain endlessly about it)

As for the safety thing that argument doesn't really hold up imo. Maybe to some degree but if a man approaches a woman and he's a creep or weirdo or in in the dark that's not safe either. It's more about the man and not whether she approaches him or not. Maybe in the sense that the guy might get pissed off because he thinks her approaching him is an invitation to easy sex? I don't think it works that way though and I don't think hardly any guys would be ignorant enough to make that assumption let alone be pissed off if they didn't get that right off the bat.

It holds up if you're a woman. AJ makes a very good point.
And yes, some guys do indeed feel that if a woman is bold enough to approach them, that it's an invitation. He makes a very good point there as well, IMO, and based on my experiences.
And since I'm a female who WILL approach a guy, I do have at least some experience to draw upon.

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As for a bar or nightclub or some other social way, no never happened in a romantic way. "Excuse me, could you pass me the napkin" or "excuse me..." after bumping into me or "i'm sorry" after bumping into me doesn't count. I've never had a woman say "Hi, my name is Tina. You seem like a cool guy. I'd like to get to know you as a friend(or lover)"etc.

LOL, and you never will. That's not how most women operate.

 

[nerdygirl]

Also, for all the time I have spent on online dating sites only once or twice has a woman ever approached me on there in a genuine way and I wasn't interested in either one.

RE: Nerdygirl's comment:Women have only approached me very rarely and never in more than a friendly or polite way.

*scratching temple* So the issue is that it's done in a friendly or polite way? We need to be unfriendly or rude? Heeeeeeey, hot stuff! Lemme see if you've got a Slim Jim or a Summer Sausage!

(ew)

 

[EveWasFramed]

*chokes laughing*

 

[VanillaCreme]

For the majority it's an offence to their egos to have to do that. They want to be the desired, not the desirer.
Even if strongly attracted to a particular man they'll wait for him to initiate or nothing will happen. Just the way it is.

Rdor, I can't begin to explain how wrong those comments are. You can feel however you wish about it, and I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you might feel about it, but when you start to state things as actual facts - as in, it's like that for everyone - it's just wrong. I'll have you know - or any guy who believes that women don't approach men - that I approached Jeremy, because honestly, he's shy and very quiet (unless you know him, then he won't shut the f*** up half the time), and I really didn't think he'd ever say anything to me. I initiated it first, and then I guess he kind of picked up on the clues. I didn't care to wait for him to initiate anything, because if I had, then my best guess nothing would have happened if I had waited for him.

*chokes laughing*

Oh my goodness, I nearly choked laughing at Nerdy's post myself...

 

[Moe'sTavern]

Also, for all the time I have spent on online dating sites only once or twice has a woman ever approached me on there in a genuine way and I wasn't interested in either one.

RE: Nerdygirl's comment:Women have only approached me very rarely and never in more than a friendly or polite way.

*scratching temple* So the issue is that it's done in a friendly or polite way? We need to be unfriendly or rude? Heeeeeeey, hot stuff! Lemme see if you've got a Slim Jim or a Summer Sausage!

(ew)

I've got some beef jerky in my pocket. Or...are we not taking about processed meat?

 

[Alonewith2cats]

We're shy.

 

[ardour]

*sigh*
Seriously? If that's your honest opinion or experience with the women you know, you should consider broadening your knowledge base and experience. I bet if you made an anonymous poll and asked women if it offended their ego to let a guy know that she liked him (using whatever her favored means might be) that the VAST majority would unequivocally respond "NO." I've always found that men LIKE it when a woman is willing to take the pressure off of them by giving them some "sign" that she's interested.
I'd be very curious to get some opinions on this from the female members of the forum....

Obviously men are going to appreciate some clear signals, but there's a difference between letting him know at some point and actually doing the asking.

I honestly think most of the time women still play by something like the "rules" (referring to that obnoxious dated book), expecting men to demonstrate their worth through taking risks, initiating and carrying it; that as one minimum requirement.

 

[Dissident]

I'd like to contribute to this thread but I haven't found any good data. The polls I'm seeing tend to show that anywhere between 60-90% of women either don't historically make the first move or believe that men should exclusively be the initiators. However these tend to be very small sample polls, polls taken on sites with a specific target demographic, etc. - a variety of things that prevent them from being reliable.

The one thing I will say is that the existence of this thread implies a few things (which may [not] be true for you; exceptions are duly noted):

1. Enough men have noticed this phenomenon, even with pure speculative, anecdotal evidence, that it frequently comes up on any message boards that relate to sociology.
2. A sufficient communication gap exists to prevent real discourse on the matter on an interpersonal level, especially more direct methods of inquiring about dating prospects.
3. Women are far choosier about dating prospects than men, and instead of seeing it as an issue of directness, they see it as an issue of the inquiring male's lack of merit on some criteria.
4. ???
5. PROFIT!!

However without proper data models and a psychological evaluation of a sample set, this is all speculation and conjecture.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What always confuses me about the difference between men and women is this:

Man approach: "Hey good looking, you're really pretty! What's your number"

Woman approach: *flirtatious look*

The problem here is that a lot of guys, including me, cannot pick up on the flirtatious look. I can tell it if you say something flirtatious (note, SAY), but if you just give me a look, brush your hair back, bite your lip...

What am I supposed to do with that? Honestly!

I know I'm stereotyping here, but I've learned, after the fact, that a lot of women have found me attractive enough to get crushes on me...and I was completely clueless to it. If that is their approach, no wonder I have trouble.