Why don't women ever approach men?

[perfanoff]

It's blatantly false that women don't approach men. They do approach men they might like.

LeanIntoTheMuse you nailed it. What you need is the practice and the confidence to look at them and see what they are showing you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

What always confuses me about the difference between men and women is this:

Man approach: "Hey good looking, you're really pretty! What's your number"

Woman approach: *flirtatious look*

The problem here is that a lot of guys, including me, cannot pick up on the flirtatious look. I can tell it if you say something flirtatious (note, SAY), but if you just give me a look, brush your hair back, bite your lip...

What am I supposed to do with that? Honestly!

I know I'm stereotyping here, but I've learned, after the fact, that a lot of women have found me attractive enough to get crushes on me...and I was completely clueless to it. If that is their approach, no wonder I have trouble.

Haha, I've never had a guy say that to me. That'll be the ******* day if I ever hear that mess.

In all seriousness, perhaps you won't have to pick up on signals with a woman who has interest in you. Maybe she'll tell you flat out how she feels, if you get to know her well enough at all.

 

[Veruca]

*scratching temple* So the issue is that it's done in a friendly or polite way? We need to be unfriendly or rude? Heeeeeeey, hot stuff! Lemme see if you've got a Slim Jim or a Summer Sausage!
(ew)

ROFL!! Nerdygirl you're too funny!

 

[theraab]

As for a bar or nightclub or some other social way, no never happened in a romantic way. "Excuse me, could you pass me the napkin" or "excuse me..." after bumping into me or "i'm sorry" after bumping into me doesn't count. I've never had a woman say "Hi, my name is Tina. You seem like a cool guy. I'd like to get to know you as a friend(or lover)"etc.

LOL, and you never will. That's not how most women operate.

I don't know how old you are, but it is possible that women have been approaching you, and you just didn't realize it?

When I was 19 or 20 I went to a club with some friends and everyone under 21 had to have their hands stamped with a fluorescent stamp so the bartender wouldn't serve them. I guess I had a little on may face and a cute girl approached me, touched my cheek and said, "you have some of that stuff on your face"; I said, "okay, thanks" - she stood there for a second and walked away. My friends turned to me and said, "You didn't like her? She was hot." "I can't believe you turned her down" - I had no idea what they were talking about, until one of them said, "dude she was hitting on you", and my other friend nodded in agreement. Then I thought to myself "Huh, so that's what hitting on a guy looks like". I was just clueless because I assumed it would look more like "Hi, my name is Tina. You seem like a cool guy. I'd like to get to know you as a friend(or lover)".

 

[LonelyInAtl]

a cute girl approached me, touched my cheek and said, "you have some of that stuff on your face"; I said, "okay, thanks" - she stood there for a second and walked away.

Ok, even me with my non-existent flirting radar I think I would have taken that as a flirt, especially since she stood there for a second. Granted I would have been in utter shock and probably would have blabbered like an idiot, but it would have registered nonetheless.

 

[Dissident]

I guess I had a little on may face and a cute girl approached me, touched my cheek and said, "you have some of that stuff on your face"; I said, "okay, thanks" - she stood there for a second and walked away.

Ha. It's probably for the best anyway. She probably would've expected you to be psychic.

 

[EveWasFramed]

What always confuses me about the difference between men and women is this:

Man approach: "Hey good looking, you're really pretty! What's your number"

Woman approach: *flirtatious look*

The problem here is that a lot of guys, including me, cannot pick up on the flirtatious look. I can tell it if you say something flirtatious (note, SAY), but if you just give me a look, brush your hair back, bite your lip...

What am I supposed to do with that? Honestly!

I know I'm stereotyping here, but I've learned, after the fact, that a lot of women have found me attractive enough to get crushes on me...and I was completely clueless to it. If that is their approach, no wonder I have trouble.

Go read some books about the signals females give off when they've taken at least a cursory interest in a guy - you would learn a lot.
Also, look for lots of eye contact, smiles and see if she's paying close attention to you - these are good indicators.
And this....

Man approach: "Hey good looking, you're really pretty! What's your number"

Woman approach: *No flirtatious look* *Runs like hell in the opposite direction*
And why not hi, how are you? instead of "hey good looking, you're really pretty?" What if she isn't? What if she KNOWS she isn't? Just curious...

 

[Dissident]

I don't think body language is that reliable with this. When I was made aware that once that I'd completely missed flirtation from a couple girls I looked into it. It lead to several awkward moments where I guessed interest and was very mistaken. In combination with some very harsh things I've heard growing up, eventually I formed the assumption that women are generally disinterested in me unless they are forward. :> Personally I don't think I'll ever make the first move again.

But really, I think anyone who thinks they should be able to get a date with someone they find interesting just by acting vaguely interested in them through such an archaic and inconsistent method is in need of a reality check.

 

[Mike413]

A lot of women I've talked to simply feel it's not SAFE to approach guys, even if they want to; even asking out guys they already know. A lot of men, conversely, seem to expect that if a woman is asking him out that means she must want to have sex with him and get all offended when they don;t. This has led to my friends having experiences such as going up to talk to a guy, finding out he's not who she wants, and then being yelled at, called a bitch or a whore, harassed, followed...?

"I'm afraid for my safety because I don't know how a guy will react and whether or not he will turn violent" is a very compelling reason to not be approaching them.

Of course, I also know women who will approach whatever guy they want, they just don't give a ****. Like Nilla said, there are many possible reasons for women not to approach men and to be honest, I think it's unfair to complain about women not approaching men when there are many, many women who have ample reason to feel unsafe doing so. (Not that you're complaining, I know that you were just asking the question, but I do know men who complain endlessly about it)

As for the safety thing that argument doesn't really hold up imo. Maybe to some degree but if a man approaches a woman and he's a creep or weirdo or in in the dark that's not safe either. It's more about the man and not whether she approaches him or not. Maybe in the sense that the guy might get pissed off because he thinks her approaching him is an invitation to easy sex? I don't think it works that way though and I don't think hardly any guys would be ignorant enough to make that assumption let alone be pissed off if they didn't get that right off the bat.

It holds up if you're a woman. AJ makes a very good point.
And yes, some guys do indeed feel that if a woman is bold enough to approach them, that it's an invitation. He makes a very good point there as well, IMO, and based on my experiences.
And since I'm a female who WILL approach a guy, I do have at least some experience to draw upon.

---

As for a bar or nightclub or some other social way, no never happened in a romantic way. "Excuse me, could you pass me the napkin" or "excuse me..." after bumping into me or "i'm sorry" after bumping into me doesn't count. I've never had a woman say "Hi, my name is Tina. You seem like a cool guy. I'd like to get to know you as a friend(or lover)"etc.

LOL, and you never will. That's not how most women operate.

---

My point was that no woman has ever actually showed romantic interest in me first at least not in an obvious way regardless of how they operate.

Ok, I should not say never but it's only happened to me a few times and none of them had approached me first.

I had a woman in a bar ask me once if I wanted to get together to "hang out" once(which we never actually did). She could have just meant as friends for all I know.

In college there was a girl who said to me something like "well there's this movie showing on campus tomorrow......" I said to her something like "well that sounds cool. Do you want to go?" But here she set it up but again I already knew her. She actually did talk to me first I think after class but to be honest I really don't remember for sure. I then asked her who that guy was I saw her with and she said something like "oh, that's my boyfriend." So here she was with some dude already while showing some sort of awkward interest in me. I actually did take her out after the movie for a cup of coffee but then never saw her again presumably because I didn't pass the test with her friends.

There was another time a woman asked me to do something with her but I wasn't attracted to her. She said something like "would you like to go do something some time." I told her I really wasn't interested. She handled it ok actually. But again she didn't approach me first initially.

 

[defenestrate]

Hey Mike413 I just saw some of your other messages here. I'm glad to see you opening up and choosing to discuss some poor experiences with women. It sounds disappointing to be asked out to a movie only to discover she has a boyfriend. I have a bit of advice if that's okay with you.

I think that generalizing other people is wrong. Nevermind whether or not people are offended when you generalize - this is about you. If you sit there and generalize other people, it's only going to reinforce some very negative beliefs. I believe generalizing other people is hurtful - to you. So do you think you can orientate this more around you instead of other people? It shouldn't matter what other men and women choose to do, you're important right now. If you continue to sit here convincing yourself of these self-limiting beliefs you won't get anywhere. Unless that's exactly where you want to be right now. Is it? I wouldn't think so.

Somehow, somewhere, you and another woman miscommunicated. You where interested in a romantic movie date, but she already had a relationship. You have been asked if you wanted to hang out, you didn't even know whether or not she wanted a friendship, or what. You simply didn't know what she wanted. If your serious about learning to communicate better, you need to be more concerned with yourself and your own actions. If you are upset because no woman has approached you, you need to build the tools to start gaining friendships. That might include a lot of different things. Picking up on social cues, how often you put yourself out there, whether or not you actually speak to people, everyone always has room for improvement. Are you shy? Would you like to be less shy and talk about it?

I'm willing to do that. I'm not willing to reinforce these negative beliefs.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sometimes I wonder why I even post in threads like this.

Why don't women ever approach men?

As a woman, I feel I have at least the minimum qualification to respond to this, but I've noted that often, (on threads similar to this one) that when I DO respond, guys don't usually take the response seriously, or state reasons why they don't agree with the opinion expressed.
Why ask for opinions if you aren't even going to consider them?

 

[Sigma]

I know from experience this isn't true since in my case it was definitely her that took the initiative.
Thank god for that because I'm way too shy and would've probably never even tried ^^;

 

[defenestrate]

Sometimes I wonder why I even post in threads like this.

Why don't women ever approach men?

As a woman, I feel I have at least the minimum qualification to respond to this, but I've noted that often, (on threads similar to this one) that when I DO respond, guys don't usually take the response seriously, or state reasons why they don't agree with the opinion expressed.
Why ask for opinions if you aren't even going to consider them?

Why do we generalize?

You only have to be mauled by a tiger once to know tigers are dangerous. If I say to myself, "All only thing women are interested in is money!" I probably would of had some terrible dark past. People won't create this opinions of theirs for no reason at all.

Would showing me another opinion help how I feel?
Maybe. I might deny your opinion.
Would trying to persuade me into believing I'm wrong for feeling the way that I do help at all?
Maybe. I might feel like arguing against my invalidation instead.
Would arbitrary discussions on sociology help me build better relationships?
Probably not. Discussing self-invented statistics might make things worse. This isn't an academic discussion, people.

What would help?
I don't know.


I've known some bitter misogynists. I cannot force people into changing themselves. Although they're very lonely, and I feel sorry for them, I can't help them. They have to help themselves. The only way to help, I believe, is by putting a stop to generalizations. I speak directly to people, while treating them respectfully as a person, occasionally. The only thing I may do is encourage them to make better decisions. I encourage them to consider that -maybe- they shouldn't bother themselves with other people. Maybe they should focus on their own bad experiences and attempt to move on from there. Being hurt from a past experience is important. It sets the foundation for us to build on. Whether in a good way, or in a bad way, it's up to them. Not all people with bad relationships carry baggage, so to speak. People who do build negative beliefs can only change themselves by questioning themselves.

 

[EveWasFramed]

The only way to help, I believe, is by putting a stop to generalizations. I speak directly to people, while treating them respectfully as a person, occasionally. The only thing I may do is encourage them to make better decisions. I encourage them to consider that -maybe- they shouldn't bother themselves with other people. Maybe they should focus on their own bad experiences and attempt to move on from there. Being hurt from a past experience is important. It sets the foundation for us to build on. Whether in a good way, or in a bad way, it's up to them. Not all people with bad relationships carry baggage, so to speak. People who do build negative beliefs can only change themselves by questioning themselves.

Best advice I've seen here in a while.
+1

 

[Edward W]

Not sure if this has been mentioned, I've popped in and out of this thread, but here's something I thought of.

I've seen the thought expressed around here that it's so much easier for women to get dates, find a man, they don't understand how hard it is for men. But consider that as a woman going up to a man carries with it the risk that he could end up raping or even killing her, sure thats a very extreme fear, but then how many stories do we see in the papers about a woman raped and killed compared to men? (See SophiaGrace's post about a creepy guy posted just today)

This is not usually something a man has to think about, the worst that might happen to a man is some hurt pride, or a drink in the face.

 

[duff]

Sometimes I wonder why I even post in threads like this.

Why don't women ever approach men?

As a woman, I feel I have at least the minimum qualification to respond to this, but I've noted that often, (on threads similar to this one) that when I DO respond, guys don't usually take the response seriously, or state reasons why they don't agree with the opinion expressed.
Why ask for opinions if you aren't even going to consider them?

the answer is - they do !

---

Don't feel bad. I've never been approached by a woman. It happens.

I haven't either. But Ive seen women approach men, Ive seen women ask men out.

A more appropriate title is - 'why don't women ever approach me ?'

 

[Revengineer]

Short answer is, it's an archaic social convention that still serves some purpose for cultivating relationships. If a guy and girl both like each other but are each reluctant to make the first move, then this serves as a tiebreaker where one member feels more pressure to move things along. So I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. However I do know how frustrating it can be for a guy in this situation who has trouble getting over that hurdle. It can feel unfair to him even when the girl has valid reasons for holding back on her end.

At least things have been slowly changing over the years. Just take a look at this thread for example. It's become a lot more acceptable for girls to approach guys now than it was several decades ago, and the trend will continue as our culture becomes more open and liberal. For the sake of progress, it's better to stop letting prescribed gender roles drive our behavior and focus more on understanding each other instead.

 

[Mike413]

Hey Mike413 I just saw some of your other messages here. I'm glad to see you opening up and choosing to discuss some poor experiences with women. It sounds disappointing to be asked out to a movie only to discover she has a boyfriend. I have a bit of advice if that's okay with you.

I think that generalizing other people is wrong. Nevermind whether or not people are offended when you generalize - this is about you. If you sit there and generalize other people, it's only going to reinforce some very negative beliefs. I believe generalizing other people is hurtful - to you. So do you think you can orientate this more around you instead of other people? It shouldn't matter what other men and women choose to do, you're important right now. If you continue to sit here convincing yourself of these self-limiting beliefs you won't get anywhere. Unless that's exactly where you want to be right now. Is it? I wouldn't think so.

Somehow, somewhere, you and another woman miscommunicated. You where interested in a romantic movie date, but she already had a relationship. You have been asked if you wanted to hang out, you didn't even know whether or not she wanted a friendship, or what. You simply didn't know what she wanted. If your serious about learning to communicate better, you need to be more concerned with yourself and your own actions. If you are upset because no woman has approached you, you need to build the tools to start gaining friendships. That might include a lot of different things. Picking up on social cues, how often you put yourself out there, whether or not you actually speak to people, everyone always has room for improvement. Are you shy? Would you like to be less shy and talk about it?

I'm willing to do that. I'm not willing to reinforce these negative beliefs.

Sorry but it's difficult for me to take your post seriously. Why do I say that? Because I know nothing about where you are coming from or your own personal experience. For example, it would help a lot if I knew if you are male or female and yes I do consider that relevant. Then I would know where you are coming from rather than generalizing about my generalizing.

So if you could(send me a pm if you want)and let me know what your gender is then I'll have a better understanding of the context of your perspective. I know maybe it shouldn't be that way but the truth is men think differently than women when it comes to these things and it would make more sense to me if I knew.

---

Yes it is frustrating for a man. It's even more frustrating to read these responses only to not know the gender of the person writing them. Sometimes I can guess but I could be wrong. I'm not sure what some of you hope to gain by hiding your gender. It helps to put things in perspective and know what your bias might be if I know this. It's not meant to be discriminatory in any way(not from my perspective anyway)but it would serve the discussion best imo.

---

---

It holds up if you're a woman. AJ makes a very good point.
And yes, some guys do indeed feel that if a woman is bold enough to approach them, that it's an invitation. He makes a very good point there as well, IMO, and based on my experiences.
And since I'm a female who WILL approach a guy, I do have at least some experience to draw upon.


Well it might hold up but you go ahead and approach men anyway? I don't get that. LOL. So you feel safe but understand why other women wouldn't I guess.

The thing is if it's not safe for a woman to approach a man and the man might think that's an invitation for sex if she approached how does the man approaching her make her feel any more safe? He could still expect sex. If she flirted with him then he approached he could say her flirting or smiling meant she wanted sex just like her approaching him could mean that so in the end that argument doesn't hold any water. If she just goes up and says hi that is even less of an invitation for sex(for lack of a better term)than if she smiled at him and that is my point. Him approaching her and her not being rude or unfriendly could also signal to the same kind of guy"Ohh she's not mean she must like me and since she must like me she must want to have sex." VERY unlikely in all of the above. I think most men know the seduction process takes more than two seconds.

 

[perfanoff]

Just think of talking to defene as a free chat with a psychologist, which it is. The gender is less relevant because they seem to speak in a professional capacity here.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Well it might hold up but you go ahead and approach men anyway? I don't get that. LOL.

Depends on your definition of "approach."
Approaching someone can be as simple as being in a line with them waiting from something and striking up a conversation. It doesnt mean I run up to random men and say hey, let's hook up.
What AJ meant (imo) was approaching guys in places that might not be safe.