Dear Hizam,
You left on April 5. I spent the entire previous night thinking something horrible had happened to you because you hadn't come home when you said you would. I stayed up all night making calls because it was not like you not to call. You would call me at least three times a day to say Hi or make sure I was ok. It wasn't until sunrise that I found out you were gone for good.
I was in shock. You left all of your things except your electric shaver and your personal paperwork. The apartment looked the same, smelled the same and was exactly as you left it -with me inside alone.
As I talked to your business partners and cousins I still couldn't believe it. You had left the country and were coming back in a few months but hadn't told your wife? Did you leave me for good or did you leave without telling me because you knew I would be upset? This was what was running through my mind. Back and forth I thought, waiting for a phone call. Maybe you didn't abandon me. Maybe you'll call me.
I spoke to your uncle and he told me that he was sorry and that he knew you were leaving and that he had wanted you to tell me. How many people knew? I felt so ashamed and embarassed to be left like that but you were the coward for leaving. You should have been ashamed and embarassed. We were supposed to have a new start. You promised me things were going to be different. You promised when your year was up at the old store in April that things would be better. We would work together to build your business. You made me believe all these things. They were all lies. Did it bother you at all to lie to me?
I never lied to you. I was always honest from the beginning. I was open from the start. No sense in bullshit because it just wastes time and its cowardly. But that was how your people operated: lieing was common place with all of them. They were all two-faced and haramis but then would shake hands and kiss face to face. They all sat on the phone talking badly about each other and stealing money from one another.
I was the one who cared for you when others only pretended to and you gave me up. You used to be so happy with me. Your face would light up when you would see me. It was genuine and I remember that. Where did it go? Its been a few years now that things weren't the same. You changed towards me and towards your two best friends - the only real friends you had. I didn't feel like you were the same man. I would cry to myself that I wanted my husband back. I missed him so much and I knew he was inside you somewhere so I waited and stayed, talked and cried, screamed and stomped when it would get to be too much but you always said you loved me.
You never did call me. I found out the day you left that when you called the night before to say you would be home you were actually at the airport. You left an envelope for me at the store. You printed my full name. It was funny to see that because you never called me by my name - you always had your little nick-names for me. I was hoping there would be a note explaining what happened. Part of me hoped the note was saying you needed some time to visit with your parents and that you would be back.
I opened the envelope only to find keys to the van and apartment. No note. No explanation. Eight years of love and your family's bullshit and I don't get the courtesy of a ******* note. I had to stand in front of those shitty men with tears in my eyes holding keys. Those pricks! That was all I needed at that time was feeling wounded and having those pricks witnessing it.
I went home to tell everyone that you weren't coming back. Alex was furious and went to your uncle's store to get you to call. God **** you! If you're going to leave me then at least tell me. You don't get to have it all your way. Thank the gods for Alex with his big frame and deep voice. He stood up for me and insisted that your uncle contact you to call me and that he was going to come back everyday until you did.
You called me Easter Sunday. I could tell you were calling from overseas from the caller ID. You blamed it on me. You said that I didn't understand your situation. Heaven help me if you were in front of me I would have choked the honeysuckle out of you. I didn't understand your situation? I spent 8 years married to you - living your messed-up "situation" and standing by you with all your people's bullshit, caring for you because I love you and because you were different. But in the end you gave in to them. You chose them over me.
The call got lost after 2 minutes. I didn't care anymore because I didn't want to talk to you. You weren't my husband, the man I loved. The man that loved me. The man that get into bed and hug me and our feet and legs would interwine and we would fall asleep. It was instinctual. I miss the man that laughed with me, danced with me, ate with me, made love with me and smiled with me. I miss that smile. Your whole face would light up. But that was gone for quite some time.
Ronnie and Alex took care of me when you left. They made sure I was never alone the first week. Alex called in a favor and got the van sold. He managed to get his neighbor to buy the couches and kitchen table. They weren't paid for but you didn't care about that. Emily had the museum cut me a check for some of the volunteer work I had done for them. I'm grateful for the help I got.
I didn't come looking for you and I won't. If I was homeless than it would be a different story. I know I would look for you to help me but thankfully I do not have to. My mother took me in. She's a crazy ***** and she makes every day hard for me but I have a roof over my head and I sleep on clean sheets every night. You left me with nothing. You left me knowing I would have to live with her. I have no money and don't know what I'm going to day from day to day. But one thing I do know is that I'm going to keep it together. I'm going to stay focused and make the best everything.
I don't know who you have become but whoever you are you're not my husband. The city of New York may still say so but I don't. My husband is gone. The beautiful man I married was gone a while ago, long before April.
Even though it feels like I'm going to die inside I keep going on. I'm holding on just barely but I'm not going to give up. I'm too tired to cave. I'm a beautiful person and deserve to be happy and I will be happy again. I know this for certain.
I don't know how to close this...so I'll just say goodbye.
You left on April 5. I spent the entire previous night thinking something horrible had happened to you because you hadn't come home when you said you would. I stayed up all night making calls because it was not like you not to call. You would call me at least three times a day to say Hi or make sure I was ok. It wasn't until sunrise that I found out you were gone for good.
I was in shock. You left all of your things except your electric shaver and your personal paperwork. The apartment looked the same, smelled the same and was exactly as you left it -with me inside alone.
As I talked to your business partners and cousins I still couldn't believe it. You had left the country and were coming back in a few months but hadn't told your wife? Did you leave me for good or did you leave without telling me because you knew I would be upset? This was what was running through my mind. Back and forth I thought, waiting for a phone call. Maybe you didn't abandon me. Maybe you'll call me.
I spoke to your uncle and he told me that he was sorry and that he knew you were leaving and that he had wanted you to tell me. How many people knew? I felt so ashamed and embarassed to be left like that but you were the coward for leaving. You should have been ashamed and embarassed. We were supposed to have a new start. You promised me things were going to be different. You promised when your year was up at the old store in April that things would be better. We would work together to build your business. You made me believe all these things. They were all lies. Did it bother you at all to lie to me?
I never lied to you. I was always honest from the beginning. I was open from the start. No sense in bullshit because it just wastes time and its cowardly. But that was how your people operated: lieing was common place with all of them. They were all two-faced and haramis but then would shake hands and kiss face to face. They all sat on the phone talking badly about each other and stealing money from one another.
I was the one who cared for you when others only pretended to and you gave me up. You used to be so happy with me. Your face would light up when you would see me. It was genuine and I remember that. Where did it go? Its been a few years now that things weren't the same. You changed towards me and towards your two best friends - the only real friends you had. I didn't feel like you were the same man. I would cry to myself that I wanted my husband back. I missed him so much and I knew he was inside you somewhere so I waited and stayed, talked and cried, screamed and stomped when it would get to be too much but you always said you loved me.
You never did call me. I found out the day you left that when you called the night before to say you would be home you were actually at the airport. You left an envelope for me at the store. You printed my full name. It was funny to see that because you never called me by my name - you always had your little nick-names for me. I was hoping there would be a note explaining what happened. Part of me hoped the note was saying you needed some time to visit with your parents and that you would be back.
I opened the envelope only to find keys to the van and apartment. No note. No explanation. Eight years of love and your family's bullshit and I don't get the courtesy of a ******* note. I had to stand in front of those shitty men with tears in my eyes holding keys. Those pricks! That was all I needed at that time was feeling wounded and having those pricks witnessing it.
I went home to tell everyone that you weren't coming back. Alex was furious and went to your uncle's store to get you to call. God **** you! If you're going to leave me then at least tell me. You don't get to have it all your way. Thank the gods for Alex with his big frame and deep voice. He stood up for me and insisted that your uncle contact you to call me and that he was going to come back everyday until you did.
You called me Easter Sunday. I could tell you were calling from overseas from the caller ID. You blamed it on me. You said that I didn't understand your situation. Heaven help me if you were in front of me I would have choked the honeysuckle out of you. I didn't understand your situation? I spent 8 years married to you - living your messed-up "situation" and standing by you with all your people's bullshit, caring for you because I love you and because you were different. But in the end you gave in to them. You chose them over me.
The call got lost after 2 minutes. I didn't care anymore because I didn't want to talk to you. You weren't my husband, the man I loved. The man that loved me. The man that get into bed and hug me and our feet and legs would interwine and we would fall asleep. It was instinctual. I miss the man that laughed with me, danced with me, ate with me, made love with me and smiled with me. I miss that smile. Your whole face would light up. But that was gone for quite some time.
Ronnie and Alex took care of me when you left. They made sure I was never alone the first week. Alex called in a favor and got the van sold. He managed to get his neighbor to buy the couches and kitchen table. They weren't paid for but you didn't care about that. Emily had the museum cut me a check for some of the volunteer work I had done for them. I'm grateful for the help I got.
I didn't come looking for you and I won't. If I was homeless than it would be a different story. I know I would look for you to help me but thankfully I do not have to. My mother took me in. She's a crazy ***** and she makes every day hard for me but I have a roof over my head and I sleep on clean sheets every night. You left me with nothing. You left me knowing I would have to live with her. I have no money and don't know what I'm going to day from day to day. But one thing I do know is that I'm going to keep it together. I'm going to stay focused and make the best everything.
I don't know who you have become but whoever you are you're not my husband. The city of New York may still say so but I don't. My husband is gone. The beautiful man I married was gone a while ago, long before April.
Even though it feels like I'm going to die inside I keep going on. I'm holding on just barely but I'm not going to give up. I'm too tired to cave. I'm a beautiful person and deserve to be happy and I will be happy again. I know this for certain.
I don't know how to close this...so I'll just say goodbye.
