letters never mean to be read

[TheReapedOne]

Dear *,
You were the only light in my life, the only person I had as a friend, the only person who would even talk to me. You alone kept me alive all these years and gave me hope for a better future. When you smiled at me, I felt like a normal human being, and I was happy near you.
Then he came. No, you knew him before; you were friends since before I moved here. I understand why he, perhaps, doesn't like it when other guys talk to you, but since you started going out with him, I barely see you anymore, and whenever I try to talk to you, you ignore me. Is it nice to ignore your friend just because your boyfriend wants you to?
I know I am being selfish; but I don't want to let go of you because I will have no one left. Please, don't leave me all alone again!

 

[NeverMore]

Dear NeverMore,

What happened? You remember back on the farm when Mom and Dad were still together, when everything was calm, innocent, peaceful and happy, when your only care was about what to build with legos that day? You were so little then, you had a bowl cut and you smiled in pictures back then too... Those were good times, you loved that farm, it was paradise for you, there was plenty of time to play with the all the cats on the farm, to name them all, give them each a story and a friend. You were so smart back then they wanted you to skip some grades but you said no because you wanted to stick with your one friend you had. All you would do at recess was swing on that one swing away from everyone else, or work on writing your book! Yes, do you remember? You were writing a book when you were 8, it was all about the solar system, you loved it all, you craved knowledge, you wanted to know everything you could possibly learn, then you had that other book almost published, you know the one,about the spider? O you had potential to be a genius! That was before Dad got really drunk that one night and got his gun, and we all had to hide in fear, you loved hide and go seek! That was before you had to move away from your paradise, they had to drag you, Pepper and Nigel out of there practically you were so full of energy! That was before you found out that the owner that bought the farm didn't want cats and had them all killed, you rocked back and forth for hours that day! That was before they showed you your new room and it was the size of a mattress and a half, you were so adaptive! That was before Pepper died suddenly without you having a chance to say goodbye, you got really good at crying on the inside! That was before you found out your sister nearly died of a drug overdose you learned to cope with things through Nigel... That was before you found out your bones around your heart weren't growing right because of your friends bullying you, you learned you didn't have any friends. That was before you found out your sister's boyfriend ,that lived with you and was like a brother, was really just her drug dealer, you became cold and distant. That was before you found out you couldn't drive because you were terrified of killing someone accidentally, you lost all faith in yourself. That was before you fell in love, took your dream date to the prom and made her have a terrible time, you started writing things in a journal just to get it all out. That was before, you noticed you had no one but Nigel, so you talked to him. That was before you went off to college and noticed just how alone you were, and everyone stopped caring... That was before you learned to do everything from eating to going to the mall, alone and you just went home a lot of weekends... That was before the one you loved married someone perfect you just talked to Nigel more... That was before Nigel died slowly and painfully of cancer and you stopped coming home... That was before you started typing things to yourself and died on the inside... You had genius potential you could have done so many great things, but you wasted away into the nothing you are now, I've lost all hope in you, your too far gone, your brain is addled, your body is weak, your soul is dying and when I stare into your eyes all I see is despair. What are we going to do NeverMore, were running out of places to hide...

MJB

 

[diamond-dancer]

I wish I could find the words to make it hurt less, but sometimes those words don't exist.

For what it's worth, I secretly think you still are a genius... but a genius who needs to get his groove back. I love reading your posts.

Dear NeverMore,

What happened? You remember back on the farm when Mom and Dad were still together, when everything was calm, innocent, peaceful and happy, when your only care was about what to build with legos that day? You were so little then, you had a bowl cut and you smiled in pictures back then too... Those were good times, you loved that farm, it was paradise for you, there was plenty of time to play with the all the cats on the farm, to name them all, give them each a story and a friend. You were so smart back then they wanted you to skip some grades but you said no because you wanted to stick with your one friend you had. All you would do at recess was swing on that one swing away from everyone else, or work on writing your book! Yes, do you remember? You were writing a book when you were 8, it was all about the solar system, you loved it all, you craved knowledge, you wanted to know everything you could possibly learn, then you had that other book almost published, you know the one,about the spider? O you had potential to be a genius! That was before Dad got really drunk that one night and got his gun, and we all had to hide in fear, you loved hide and go seek! That was before you had to move away from your paradise, they had to drag you, Pepper and Nigel out of there practically you were so full of energy! That was before you found out that the owner that bought the farm didn't want cats and had them all killed, you rocked back and forth for hours that day! That was before they showed you your new room and it was the size of a mattress and a half, you were so adaptive! That was before Pepper died suddenly without you having a chance to say goodbye, you got really good at crying on the inside! That was before you found out your sister nearly died of a drug overdose you learned to cope with things through Nigel... That was before you found out your bones around your heart weren't growing right because of your friends bullying you, you learned you didn't have any friends. That was before you found out your sister's boyfriend ,that lived with you and was like a brother, was really just her drug dealer, you became cold and distant. That was before you found out you couldn't drive because you were terrified of killing someone accidentally, you lost all faith in yourself. That was before you fell in love, took your dream date to the prom and made her have a terrible time, you started writing things in a journal just to get it all out. That was before, you noticed you had no one but Nigel, so you talked to him. That was before you went off to college and noticed just how alone you were, and everyone stopped caring... That was before you learned to do everything from eating to going to the mall, alone and you just went home a lot of weekends... That was before the one you loved married someone perfect you just talked to Nigel more... That was before Nigel died slowly and painfully of cancer and you stopped coming home... That was before you started typing things to yourself and died on the inside... You had genius potential you could have done so many great things, but you wasted away into the nothing you are now, I've lost all hope in you, your too far gone, your brain is addled, your body is weak, your soul is dying and when I stare into your eyes all I see is despair. What are we going to do NeverMore, were running out of places to hide...

MJB

 

[Qui]

Dear Nobody,
I have nothing left to say. I've spent so long analyzing my own nature and have judged that I am not, never was and never will be quite good enough for this world. In this life I'll always be lacking something. I hate myself for saying this, I never meant to admit it because seeing it in words makes it that much more real.
But I don't want this. I'm not happy. It's not real to me anymore.
I'm with a great guy who I've wanted for so long, but now I don't feel anything. He says that I'm cold. I never know how to respond. What do you say to the person who gets up in the morning only to see you when they can't make you feel anything anymore?
I've spent so much of my time lately helping everyone else, I've found i don't have time to take care of myself. But what can I even do? I don't feel anything anymore. I've even lost the desire to feel better.
I can't think that this is the life that was meant for me. When I look to the future I see something I have stolen, life that I wasn't meant to have. And the part that I don't want to admit is that I don't even want that future. I don't want any of it, this world, this life. I'll never be enough. I can't do enough, I'll never live the way life is meant to be lived. And I don't even want to anymore.

I just want it all to go away.

Please don't hate my when I'm gone. I tried, but I can't do it any more.

I'm sorry. This was never meant to be seen. I only want this emptiness to go away. But should you happen across this letter in time I beg of you, see only of me the face that I wear and not my inner weakness. I try so hard to be that outward, caring person. Don't let this window to my bitter core corrode your thoughts of me.

-Jackie

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

Dear Me,

In the future, or in past, whenever it may be that you come across this. I would like you to know that I have tried and failed often... but know that at least I have tried! I know that understanding, the quest for knowledge to which I am hopelessly addicted, and the most cherished gems of wisdom that I relentlessly seek to bring to light within my soul, will never allow my heart to find contented existence in this world wherein security, stability, and industry are all the things a man is supposed to want. Not I! Do not succumb to shallow lusts and wants for in such as these are the very leeches of the soul that would destroy the pure and child-like innocence and essence of your identity and being. Fight! There is life yet to live and love. Under this world of wasted ash, gilded over to appear as something of shimmering gold and material value, cast within the bowels of this torpid society borne under the oppression of false hopes and force-fed dreams that are not my own, trampled beneath the feet of a good intentions and progressive progress lay a single dream, a single hope, a tiny neglected seed of life and love. Escape! To the fields, the streams, the last vestige over the hills and beyond the great wood where no man makes his mark or treads with his good intentions, progressive progress, or industry. There within that distant land lay the one thing the child always sought since as long as your heart remembers, the reason in youth the child wandered alone those empty woods and shores in search of something more... a treasure greater than any the earth could spew forth from the depths of its bowels: your self.

 

[ss7]

Dear Me,

In the future, or in past, whenever it may be that you come across this. I would like you to know that I have tried and failed often... but know that at least I have tried! I know that understanding, the quest for knowledge to which I am hopelessly addicted, and the most cherished gems of wisdom that I relentlessly seek to bring to light within my soul, will never allow my heart to find contented existence in this world wherein security, stability, and industry are all the things a man is supposed to want. Not I! Do not succumb to shallow lusts and wants for in such as these are the very leeches of the soul that would destroy the pure and child-like innocence and essence of your identity and being. Fight! There is life yet to live and love. Under this world of wasted ash, gilded over to appear as something of shimmering gold and material value, cast within the bowels of this torpid society borne under the oppression of false hopes and force-fed dreams that are not my own, trampled beneath the feet of a good intentions and progressive progress lay a single dream, a single hope, a tiny neglected seed of life and love. Escape! To the fields, the streams, the last vestige over the hills and beyond the great wood where no man makes his mark or treads with his good intentions, progressive progress, or industry. There within that distant land lay the one thing the child always sought since as long as your heart remembers, the reason in youth the child wandered alone those empty woods and shores in search of something more... a treasure greater than any the earth could spew forth from the depths of its bowels: your self.

That was poetry, dude. Bravo! That was very, very good.

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

That was poetry, dude. Bravo! That was very, very good.

Thanks SS... just thinking about what I would tell myself if I could talk to myself when I was a kid... well also things I need to just say aloud to myself too from time to time... not to get lost in all the distractions of this world... to look to what matters.

 

[AngryLoner]

Dear AngryLoner,

Why do you even bother anymore? what are you waiting for? what is it that you hope to achieve?
Why is noone good enough for you?
What is your purpose here? How can you keep living like this?

Would anyone notice if you dissappeared right now?

WHY CANT YOU ANSWER ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS?

 

[Qui]

Dear Nobody,
I'm drunk.
-Jackie

 

[Colette]

Dear Nobody,
I'm drunk.
-Jackie

Dear Hey,
I'm hungover again.
-Raffaella

 

[broken_girl]

nvm.....

 

[NeverMore]

Dear NeverMore,

Things are getting worse, what are we going to do? I thought coming home would make you feel better but it didn't, it just made you feel worse... Yea there's food but there's no love, that's all we ever really wanted, you can keep trying to fill in that hole with other things but it's a waste of time, even if you get all the stars in "Super Mario 64", it won't make you feel any less empty inside, there will just be a moment of "Yah I did it", then you'll just want to kill yourself again... You sit looking at the forum, for hours yet you can't think of anything interesting to say, nothing remarkable, nothing insightful, nothing helpful, you can't help other people because you can't help yourself and for that you look selfish and uncaring yet still you sit and you read their stories and your moved by them, you relate so much to them, you just can't think of anything to say...How can you say things will get better and then turn around and look at yourself in the mirror and want to break it? How can you say don't kill yourself, when in your mind all you can think about is buying some rope, learning to tie a noose and hoping that the ceiling fan can hold 110 lbs?

What about the future? It's getting dimmer and dimmer as time goes on, where will we be with our degree in biology fresh out of college? Unemployed? Trapped in a lab? Does it matter? We still won't have anyone to talk to, a hand to hold... Lao Tzu was right, being deeply loved gives you strength, everyone needs someone to make them feel whole, to make them feel strong and give them a purpose... Remember how we felt when she loved us? During prom, you was so scared to go out on stage during the march, you showed her your hand was shaking, she held it, looked you straight in the eyes and said everything will be alright, and you believed her and stopped shaking... Oh NeverMore you always have a story and they all involve her, that's sad, you have nothing else to contribute because you don't love her anymore.... Loving someone deeply gives you courage, when you loved her you had the courage to take on the entire world, God himself couldn't stand in your way... But now we can't muster the courage to live let alone drive, think of all the people you'd endanger.. We need someone to love, some reason to live there are no other reasons to live, try as hard as you can to find them you never will... But who is there to love? Love the people here at this forum for their kindness and for caring! But that's not enough it's not deep love.. That's why we have no motivation that's one thing wrong with us, we don't love anyone anymore... You know we could still care if you found someone to care about, if only it was that easy..

It's probably not healthy to have such conversations with yourself, but I disagree, you know yourself better than anyone, and you know that. How do people expect to know themselves if they don't talk to themselves? Anyone that says that there is something wrong with your head, NeverMore, obviously hasn't been there before! There's always something going on there, it never stops, that's why you can't sleep at night! That's why you have such vivid dreams that you swear are real, you can't tell the difference between the dreams and reality, maybe there is none, who's to say? Someday maybe this head will do something incredible, maybe it'll cure cancer, so no one else will ever have to face the pain of losing someone to it... Small steps though, your no genius that you know. Some of the people I've seen here are thousands of times smarter than me, there is some real intelligence here, maybe they'll cure cancer? I'm not so sure I can it sounds challenging.. Focus on making it to the next day, wait for inspiration to strike and just be glad your alive today..

Everyone on here deserves a happy life. Every last one of them is a good person whether they think they are or not. They all deserve food on their tables a roof over their heads and a love like fire that spreads to every part of them and makes them strong gives them a purpose, you know they all deserve it NeverMore, but your not helping, you can't give them what they deserve, what can you do to make their lives better? Nothing, absolutely nothing and that makes you sad, you have no idea what to do to make them feel better... Funny pictures? Did that make anyone happier? You can hope it brightened someone's face for a moment but that's all it did, nothing profound nothing they deserve... Now will you leave and turn your back on everyone that was nice to you here, everyone that actually took the time to hear what you have to say to care? I wish I knew how to help, I wish I knew those words that make everything better, maybe they don't exist after all. Everything seems so hopeless, the air seems thick with stagnation, the sky seems only to illuminate a lie, the trees are cracked and broken, everything is dying and it begs us to join the flow... Now,NeverMore, what are we going to do in such a flawed world?

MJB

 

[Qui]

Dear Nobody,
I'm not sorry. I'm just bad. Hate me. For everything I've done, because god knows I've done enough. And for all the things I didn't do. Blame it on me. You know you want to. You do it anyway. When you were 5 and your dog was hit by a car, it was my fault. When you were 22 and your boyfriend left you, it was my fault. I wasn't there, heck maybe I wasn't even born yet. Yet still, it was me. I'm the monster under the bed. I'm the thing that watches you in the dark. Hate me. I'm evil. I killed Kennedy. I am bureaucracy. I am a constant orange alert. I am war. I am poverty. Hate me. I was not there, and I may not even know you, but every incident in your life, each hardship, that was me. I am Satan. I am Stalin. I am Kim Jong Il and Fidel Castro. I am Hitler. I am the kid who stole your lunch money, and the kid that stole your car. I am love and I am hate. So hate me. I was born of the fires of hell and hell is where I belong. I have sinned for I am sin. Hate me. Please. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want your help. I want to be hated. You know you want to, Hate me.
-Jackie

 

[Fizhik]

I was the one who wrote to you in russian. i created the e-mail just to contact you. i decided that i would write you a letter and if you didn't figure out who i was within 2 responses, than i would delete the account & disappear. Afterwards, i almost came out on your myspace to show myself, but i chickened out about 100 times. One day i came across your 'recruiting site', and for the first time i realized who you were. I felt clarity. I'm a little upset, because i know that if i would've been given the trust and time to figure things out for myself, i would've made the same choice, but been able to feel good about it too.
there aren't that many people that i love, that love me back. I wish the ones that did would give me the trust and respect i deserve in order to make comfortable decisions. I usually make the proper choices. People say i always do things the hard way. The more people told me to stay away from you, the more intrigued and obsessed i became. i don't like being forbidden from anything. I usually cut ties with people voluntarily, but this time it was forced upon me. I'm glad you don't know any of this. I'm aware it all sounds very crazy, but I suppose it is what it is. We all have our moments. I think I've finally found some peace.
~FIZHIK

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear women in my life,

This might sound bitter, and angry, perhaps frustrated. But at this particular moment, its not about rationality or logic, because as I'm sure that you are more than well enough aware, emotions speak of a certain truth. Logic and reason are more often the facade for the primal forces that move us, and you know this.

M & K, thank you for being there for me in a time when I needed someone and making me realize how close and beautiful female friendship and sisterhood can be. M, in particular, you know that I eventually fell in love with you, but with a kind of purity that allowed me to be totally happy knowing that you were with someone who cared for you. You will never know how special you are - so many girls would like to think of themseves like you, but having a chronic illness and still being able to listen to me vent while offering me sympathies?Thank you, thank you, and thank you. You are a rare gem.

K, you were always the harsher one of the pair, but you were such an excellent counterpoint to M. You thrust me forward, and almost forced me ahead to make progress. I can trace much of my personal growth to you, and our almost daily phone calls where you monitored my progress. I guess I saw you as almost manlike at times, and certainly represented a much stronger version of feminity - but between you and M, you were awesome. I just pity your respective husbands to-be

I miss you both, but without painful yearning, but with fond thoughts. You both deserve blessed and wonderful lives with the men who've been fortune enough to win your hearts. I forsee more conspiriing betwixt you two, though

I can't say that I have kinder words for the rest of you, though.

C, how do I put this in simple terms? You're some combination of a total moron, made worse for your bombastic hypocrisy. You cry about your "vulnerability" and wonder why you get into emotionally abusive relationships, then whine to me? *********. You bring it to yourself. You know that I would have loved you, that I would have been good to you, and that I would have treated you with all the respect that you deserve. But I guess you're not very vulnerable to me, eh? Trust me on this: you're not as intelligent as you think you are, you're not as pretty as you think you are, and you're not as principled as you think you are. As much as I hate to assure suffering upon a fellow human being, I think you've won the jackpot. In this case, you literally make your own bed and then lie in it. You choose suffering. You choose pain. You choose betrayal. And not once, but CONSISTENTLY. Don't cry to me for your choices.

Oh yeah, and you wanted to help me feel better? All the intellectual frippery that you can reguritate isn't going to help me. Trust me, I do that far better. You know that all I need is to be loved. You're not willing to offer that, so at least be honest with yourself. You don't want to really help me, you just want to justify your own self-concept as an enlightened, principled person(of which you are neither). You're just a masochistic, delusional hypocrite.

Ch, unlike the girl above, you /are/ intelligent and you /are/ beautiful(and far more so for knowing it), which is why you've generally been healthier in your relationship choices. I like people who make good choices, so bravo for you. But likewise, you want to help me by reguritating logic. You know that isn't what I need. All I need is to be loved, and you, too, know that I would have been good for you. But you chose to chase after the ghost of perfection instead - which I guess is just as well. I can't fault you for wanting and just waiting for someone better. I just wish that you'll be a little bit more honest; you're not "helping me" by not loving me. I don't need this kind of "growth." Yes, I embarassed you into saying that you'll give me a chance. But you know that's not what I want. I just want to feel like I could be seen as desireable and worthy of love, and the only way that I could feel that, was through action, not words and certainly not through feeling like I emotionally blackmailed you.

And J, that's why you were so wonderful for me. I'm so sorry that I never loved you back in time. I'm sorry that I listened to the words of my friends instead of my own heart. They called you a brainless blonde cheerleader, and I felt ashamed of you. I'm sorry. You should know that you were the one woman, the only girl in the world who truly came close to truly saving me. You offered yourself, unhesitatingly, upon knowing of my flaws, and I don't think you ever realized how rare very action that makes you. You understood what I needed, and you acted immediately on it. Yeah, so you were a high school girl and you weren't always the smartest with the books. You were ditzy. You cried too much. Your mood swings were legendary.

But you truly, really did care. I'm sorry that I almost ignored you. I feel even worse for pursuing your friend but not you. In the end, I want you to know that I was never worthy of you, not the other way around. I lost you because I listened to stupid onlookers instead of my own heart. There's not a day that goes by when I don't regret it. I'm glad that you're with him now. You two deserve each other, and I mean that in the best possible way.

B, I loved you and not J because you seemed like the intelligent, refined version of your friend. A ballerina, instead of a cheerleader; college instead of high school; wine instead of beer. And so much more. You are the quintiessential lady, one that doesn't even have to try - it was all in your breeding and blood. But I must have found you too late, or perhaps you never were who I thought you were. The world had gotten to you first, crushed you, and though I really wanted to be the one who healed you and make you realize how precious you were...it only got me assigned to becoming the best friend while you continued to find ways to hurt yourself. I love you, B. I always will. I'm sorry that I found you only after you've given up.

E...I was looking for a J in you. I was looking for all my answers in you. You have such innocence matched with intelligence - but I was wrong. I guess your heart was always that small. I don't know what to say. I'm glad that I was able to have that summer with you, when I truly got inside of your soul. There is something beautiful deep within you, but you don't cherish it. You'll rather surrender to fear than to trust, and I guess that doomed us. We could have been lovely together. But...I sigh. Just like every other girl except J I knew, you somehow seem to believe that you're protecting me by not loving me.

I sigh.

I need to be loved. That's all. That would cure me of everything. Why is it that all of you couldn't understand what J did? And I always thought that you were supposed to be more intelligent?

Sincerely,
IO

PS: And stop quibbling on the meaning of love. You know what I mean.

 

[JustLost]

Dear girl across the hall,

You're stupid. Yes, you heard me. You're gorgeous, funny and amazingly sweet but you wouldn't know what's good for you if it fell in your lap and bit you on your adorable nose.

If you could see into my mind, you would see how wonderful we could be together. You'd see a bedroom filled with candles and incense and the two of us entwined in ecstasy. You'd see the house we would live in and the beautiful children we could have had...but you're blind.

I hope you're happy with whatever man you've decided to pair yourself with. I know for a fact that no one could ever appreciate you like I could, but what's the use. You've chosen to ignore something that would have been amazing. I hope that one day you open your eyes and see what you've missed. I already have.

Sincerely,
Me

 

[circles]

I miss how we used to talk. How you'd pay much more attention to me. I don't have anyone else, and I'm so so lonely tonight.

 

[sabishiinaa]

Dear no-one-in-particular,

I feel so empty right now; I don't even know what to write. I could reminisce about childhood. I could cry about lost love. But I just feel empty--so empty. Everything is a distant memory, as if all of my experiences are only part of an old, forgotten, and unoriginal novel. I left my life alone on some bookshelf somewhere, and now all that's left for me to do is to trace lines on the lonely wall with my lonely fingers, waiting for someone to find it and bring it back to me, whatever it is.

 

[lostnalone]

Dear _,

I'm sorry I was never much of a friend to you, I wanted to be, but for some reason I always mess up relationships. You are the only true friend I've ever had, the only girl who has ever truly cared about me. I always loved you, and I will forever. If not for you, my life would not have had any meaning to me. You were there for me when no one else was. Your love and kindness kept me happy and gave me something to live for. I have tried to find someone but it seems whenever I let myself get close to a girl, something always goes wrong. It doesn't matter how hard I try, in the end I'm just a forgotten memory to them. You are the last girl I've kissed or felt loved by. That was so long ago now that I feel like I will never have another real chance. I am still a virgin and I do not believe any girl will ever want me. I know you have moved on, and I understand, but I still can't help but miss you, no one else cares about me like you did. I'm 25 and I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I've hardly lived and I can't seem to free myself from loneliness. I want so bad to be loved again, to kiss someone, to just hold a girl and be happy together doing nothing at all. I miss that more than anything in this world, I miss you.

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Dear ______,

It hasn't been all that long since we met, but I wanted to know that you've become the most beautiful part of my day. You understand my situation, you often mirror my feelings, and more than simply empathisizing with my plight, you offer comfort and hope.

Perhaps the conversations we share are simple diversions for you, but they've come to mean more to me than you may ever know. While circumstance and what may seem to be sound logic suggest that I'm absolutely foolish for thinking anything can ever become of it, I just want you to know that the slight possibility of it has revived a part of me I had long thought dead and gone.

I'm always one to fall quickly, and I'm not saying that I'm totally smitten. Infatuation, however, is a certainty, and my wishes for us to someday spend time together are beacons of hope in a world of gloom.

Mike