Questions for the Men

[NoxApex(N/A)]

It is VERY hard to politely let someone down and then not obsess if you hurt them...

That, and very often it's actually women that I want.
The trouble is, I get read wrong. Like, all the time.
And furthermore I can't wrap my head around why they want me anyway.
I possess no desirable traits, other than perhaps being the forbidden fruit.

I've given at least a couple a shot, but usually it just backfires and I find out that they're not actually listening to anything I'm really saying. And the ****** part about that is that I'm pretty honest and forward. I am me, and so I know me.

I'm not, whatever it is that they think that I am.
Nor do I "need fixing," because I'm not broken.

And that's usually the point where I end up disappointed as well, realizing that the entire mutual attraction floor was misconstrued to (at the very least) my own perceptions.

Talking with a friend of mine years ago, he mentioned comically that his attraction floor is that he's seemingly mysterious, but when they find out later that he's just like a totally normal dude they're disappointed and bored. Funny thing is that I was having this conversation with two married men about dating before they'd gotten married.

 

[ardour]

Talking with a friend of mine years ago, he mentioned comically that his attraction floor is that he's seemingly mysterious, but when they find out later that he's just like a totally normal dude they're disappointed and bored.

If I can butt in, it sounds like that's what you're afraid of being 'found out' like that, as just another average guy. Most people aren't this neurotic, they let it happen, and when it inevitably fails, move on without even thinking about the why and how's.

 

[user 139760]

That, and very often it's actually women that I want.
The trouble is, I get read wrong. Like, all the time.
And furthermore I can't wrap my head around why they want me anyway.
I possess no desirable traits, other than perhaps being the forbidden fruit.

I've given at least a couple a shot, but usually it just backfires and I find out that they're not actually listening to anything I'm really saying. And the ****** part about that is that I'm pretty honest and forward. I am me, and so I know me.

I'm not, whatever it is that they think that I am.
Nor do I "need fixing," because I'm not broken.

And that's usually the point where I end up disappointed as well, realizing that the entire mutual attraction floor was misconstrued to (at the very least) my own perceptions.

Talking with a friend of mine years ago, he mentioned comically that his attraction floor is that he's seemingly mysterious, but when they find out later that he's just like a totally normal dude they're disappointed and bored. Funny thing is that I was having this conversation with two married men about dating before they'd gotten married.

I've gotten that whole mysterious vibe before. They do end up disappointed when I turn out to be...rather mundane lol.
I dunno. People are weird. Every girl I know wants to date James Bond, but end up disappointed when they end up realising James Bond goes to the ******* and scratches his butt like everyone else. You can't save the world and charm everyone ALL the time.

 

[Adamridge79]

Hmm..seems like people think they're deeper than they are. Lots of that whole hot or not thing people do. I mean, if you feel a need to fish for praise, then keep at it, I guess. Not sure how that cements any real constructive growth, but, I may be missing the mark.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Okay the girl with the questions is back!

My next question is not for the faint of heart... you have been warned.

From the perspective of a man, can you forgive your partner for cheating on you?

This question makes me think of so many mini questions...

Would you have more chance of forgiving if she confessed?
What if it was with your brother, and he made countless advances? (this one is personal to me lol)
Would you deep down wish she didn't confess?
People say to be honest about it, but is there any incentive when the outcomes the same?

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

If I can butt in, it sounds like that's what you're afraid of being 'found out' like that, as just another average guy. Most people aren't this neurotic, they let it happen, and when it inevitably fails, move on without even thinking about the why and how's.

More like, I point blank tell them what my life is like and it just goes in one ear and out the other. If I just wanted a hookup that'd be abundant and easy, but that doesn't interest me. I'm more than neurotic, I have paranoid hallucinations, but unless I'm specific about what that actually means they're kind of just like "k."

Okay the girl with the questions is back!

My next question is not for the faint of heart... you have been warned.

From the perspective of a man, can you forgive your partner for cheating on you?

This question makes me think of so many mini questions...

Would you have more chance of forgiving if she confessed?
What if it was with your brother, and he made countless advances? (this one is personal to me lol)
Would you deep down wish she didn't confess?
People say to be honest about it, but is there any incentive when the outcomes the same?

I used to not be able to, but I've become somewhat anesthetized to it.
Something only has power over you if you allow it to. That's a very important life lesson that a lot of people underestimate.
I can forgive it in time, but I'm not going to stay in the relationship.

People are stupid, very stupid. If I've learned nothing else in life, I've learned that.
I forgive both my sister and my ex for hooking up, but my ex is in prison and my sister destroyed her own life and I don't talk to my ex at all and I keep my sister at an arm's length because I just don't want to deal with her ********. I'm not in the business of helping people who helped themselves to take advantage of me, I'm in the business of giving them enough rope to hang themselves, which because they're stupid, they usually do. It takes the work out of it for me. I've no business or interest in the sociopathy of society, I still consider it second rate in the nature of the animal kingdom.
So can I forgive them? Yes.
Am I going to put myself in the line of fire again? No.

 

[sparkyn98]

More like, I point blank tell them what my life is like and it just goes in one ear and out the other. If I just wanted a hookup that'd be abundant and easy, but that doesn't interest me. I'm more than neurotic, I have paranoid hallucinations, but unless I'm specific about what that actually means they're kind of just like "k."

I live in a town with Marine drill instructors and have encountered this VERY often. Do not get me wrong, some of them are complete hoe-bag users. However, there are a select few that would love to be in a relationship, but with the nature of their job and the long hours and mental angst that comes with it... they often times appear perfect on paper, but their execution is lacking. (If that makes sense? Lol

Nor do I "need fixing," because I'm not broken.

And furthermore I can't wrap my head around why they want me anyway.
I possess no desirable traits, other than perhaps being the forbidden fruit.

I would say that you can't say these two things together in a statement and it is legit.
I'm not a psychologist (I only play one of tv), but I would say you undervalue yourself. You may not consider yourself broken, but that is a definite dent in your undercarriage...

The sad part is in today's society, most people are broken, it's just how deeply and whether they see it or care once they do.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean the relationship will last. Personally, I think if cheating happens, it will be in the back of the mind of the person...or in other words, doubt. If there's doubt, a relationship won't work.
If you want to cheat, clearly there's something you aren't getting in the relationship you are in. If it's a monogamous relationship and you cheat, you just need to stop. Either get out of the relationship or stop cheating. That is in YOUR control. Doesn't matter how often people "throw" themselves at you or whatever, say no, tell your partner, but never, NEVER cheat with their family or friends. That's something that should never happen, it's a low blow that really shows you have no respect for the person you are dating. If you can't NOT cheat, don't get into a monogamous relationship. Just my opinion, of course.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I live in a town with Marine drill instructors and have encountered this VERY often. Do not get me wrong, some of them are complete hoe-bag users. However, there are a select few that would love to be in a relationship, but with the nature of their job and the long hours and mental angst that comes with it... they often times appear perfect on paper, but their execution is lacking. (If that makes sense? Lol



I would say that you can't say these two things together in a statement and it is legit.
I'm not a psychologist (I only play one of tv), but I would say you undervalue yourself. You may not consider yourself broken, but that is a definite dent in your undercarriage...

The sad part is in today's society, most people are broken, it's just how deeply and whether they see it or care once they do.

I did A LOT of LSD between 23 and 29. I had suffered hallucinations before that, but I did it anyway because those hallucinations creatively inspire me regardless of their context and how I feel about them. Being a creative introvert, it helped me become comfortable with deeper levels of introspection. So the kind of help that I need is less emotional and more like actually cognitive and functional. I need a better paying job and a car, not someone to handle the way that I feel, the emotional aspects of me are pretty well controlled, I can turn myself off and on emotionally nearly at will. Although, it's dangerous to do that repeatedly, so I tend to leave my emotional lever in the off position so I don't experience the occasional shortage from flipping it off and on too much. Maybe that's the draw?? That I'm not emotionally available unless I want to be and allow myself to be?? I don't know. It's, not really a priority of mine to find out, I have bigger concerns.

 

[sparkyn98]

Although, it's dangerous to do that repeatedly, so I tend to leave my emotional lever in the off position so I don't experience the occasional shortage from flipping it off and on too much. Maybe that's the draw?? That I'm not emotionally available unless I want to be and allow myself to be?? I don't know. It's, not really a priority of mine to find out, I have bigger concerns.

Truly could be... people tend to want what they can't have. Then, they tend to get bored with it once they do have it. People kind of suck most days. Glad you found your switch. You're right, not healthy to have to flip it back and forth...
Sending you all the positive vibes about the car and job, dude!!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean the relationship will last. Personally, I think if cheating happens, it will be in the back of the mind of the person...or in other words, doubt. If there's doubt, a relationship won't work.
If you want to cheat, clearly there's something you aren't getting in the relationship you are in. If it's a monogamous relationship and you cheat, you just need to stop. Either get out of the relationship or stop cheating. That is in YOUR control. Doesn't matter how often people "throw" themselves at you or whatever, say no, tell your partner, but never, NEVER cheat with their family or friends. That's something that should never happen, it's a low blow that really shows you have no respect for the person you are dating. If you can't NOT cheat, don't get into a monogamous relationship. Just my opinion, of course.

Truthfully Callie, my partners brother used to flirt with me... 24/7 my mum said I cant say anything because they're brothers, and it's wrong to come between them. This brother lived pretty far, and I stopped going to his house whenever invited because I couldn't trust myself, I didn't wanna cheat but... they are almost identical in looks, I just didn't know if I would be able to just... turn it down ? plus my addiction to attention, his brother would stare at me, like real creepy **** lol but I found it flattering because it's like wow, am I that amazing? (obviously not lol) I still don't go there, I had to tell my fella in the end as he got angry that I kept refusing to go... and it turns out im not that special because his ex also stopped wanting to go to his brother house randomly as well.

 

[user 139760]

Okay the girl with the questions is back!

My next question is not for the faint of heart... you have been warned.

From the perspective of a man, can you forgive your partner for cheating on you?

This question makes me think of so many mini questions...

Would you have more chance of forgiving if she confessed?
What if it was with your brother, and he made countless advances? (this one is personal to me lol)
Would you deep down wish she didn't confess?
People say to be honest about it, but is there any incentive when the outcomes the same?

...Nope.
I move on. Whatever the excuse, it isn't good enough. I'd date Taylor Swift and if she cheated on me I'd dump her. When something matters, you make it matter. If it doesn't...it'll stop mattering to me too. In other words, don't be sorry, be careful.

 

[ardour]

Honesty isn't about getting the outcome YOU want. I'd move on too. A relationship where I was cheated on would be worthless, and I don't care what the reason is. No reason could make it any less of a betrayal.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honesty isn't about getting the outcome YOU want. I'd move on too. A relationship where I was cheated on would be worthless, and I don't care what the reason is. No reason could make it any less of a betrayal.

I like this, sad though, that one mistake could be like... what cuts the cord and there just seems to be no way back. Romance... love... the heart... is so fragile

 

[Colster]

A bit late to this current discussion, but...

You treat people as you expect to be treated, and manners cost nothing.

There is nothing quite a vulgar as a man-child throwing a hissy fit over a rejection. Would they tolerate that of their own mother or daughter; Certainly not!

Just have dignity and pride in yourself, be a god damned gentleman.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

A bit late to this current discussion, but...

You treat people as you expect to be treated, and manners cost nothing.

There is nothing quite a vulgar as a man-child throwing a hissy fit over a rejection. Would they tolerate that of their own mother or daughter; Certainly not!

Just have dignity and pride in yourself, be a god damned gentleman.

Honestly, I don't even care if he's a gentleman, but in all seriousness, why cant he just leave me alone ? I dont understand, he saw me minding my own business, asked if he could know me, I said no thank you, why cant he just walk away? Theres no history, it's not like he knows me lol Why has it got to end with such aggression, negativity, harm so often?

I honestly dont understand. Guys have said rejection hurts and blah blah, I understand rejection hurts, but I tell you what, seems to hurt a lot less when I have a man, (a brother or an uncle, or just a friend)... around me. All of a sudden they can take it and leave peacefully... funny that? I think what no one wants to admit is, they do it because they feel stronger than me, able to intimidate me and thats why. It's a punishment for saying no, they want to remind me, if they wanted, they could just take what they are so kindly asking for.

 

[ardour]

Honestly, I don't even care if he's a gentleman, but in all seriousness, why cant he just leave me alone ? I dont understand, he saw me minding my own business, asked if he could know me, I said no thank you, why cant he just walk away? Theres no history, it's not like he knows me lol Why has it got to end with such aggression, negativity, harm so often?

I honestly dont understand. Guys have said rejection hurts and blah blah, I understand rejection hurts, but I tell you what, seems to hurt a lot less when I have a man, (a brother or an uncle, or just a friend)... around me. All of a sudden they can take it and leave peacefully... funny that? I think what no one wants to admit is, they do it because they feel stronger than me, able to intimidate me and thats why. It's a punishment for saying no, they want to remind me, if they wanted, they could just take what they are so kindly asking for.

Their masculinity is threatened by the humiliation. Masculinity is defined in part by the ability to get women, so from that perspective rejection is like calling a man an unworthy loser. It isn't rational since women have individual preferences anyway, but we've been socialized to some extent to see things that way. The other more simple explanation is that men are more prone to aggression...because testosterone.

These are just guesses. We're not a collective and we don't know exactly what's going on in other men's minds.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Their masculinity is threatened by the humiliation. Masculinity is defined in part by the ability to get women, so from that perspective rejection is like calling a man an unworthy loser. It isn't rational since women have individual preferences anyway, but we've been socialized to some extent to see things that way. The other more simple explanation is that men are more prone to aggression...because testosterone.

These are just guesses. We're not a collective and we don't know exactly what's going on in other men's minds.

But all that testosterone just... disappears around other men? I promise I dont think you men have weekly meetings on zoom or some weird group think lol I just want a mans (your) opinion, not for you to know what every other mans thinking darling

 

[ardour]

But all that testosterone just... disappears around other men? I promise I dont think you men have weekly meetings on zoom or some weird group think lol I just want a mans (your) opinion, not for you to know what every other mans thinking darling

Well yeah because he still wants to keep all his teeth.

In some men's minds rejection results in feeling like less of a man (I guess) Women would seem like gatekeepers to their masculinity (as well as ***, companionship, happiness and all that).

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Well yeah because he still wants to keep all his teeth.

In some men's minds rejection results in feeling like less of a man (I guess) Women would seem like gatekeepers to their masculinity (as well as ***, companionship, happiness and all that).

Ah... I will walk around with my tooth extractor! I expect better results with my handy tool.
Okay interesting, he feels more of a man intimidating women and running away from other men...? I just wanna understand. Is it more like a quick win, quickly won back some masculinity, by scaring or harming someone if the situation allows?