Questions for the Women

[mauthecat]

As a woman I would not think a guy is boring or dishonest if they dont talk about sex. first you have to get to know a person, it is not nice to say hello you want to have sex?
i like to talk to a guy get to know him, and in the long run eventually things that are meant to happen will happen.

 

[kamya]

Hello all women. Would you like to have sex? (With me of course )

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hello all women. Would you like to have sex? (With me of course )

NO! :club:


Wait.....how much you paying?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't find men I have dated or potentially date who don't talk about sex weak and boring at all.

I'm relieved to hear that. I like to talk about other things mostly, like interests, dreams, goals, and stories mostly, or sharing the stuff we like. It would take me a while to be comfortable talking about sex, it's not something I'd want to do right away. So I'm glad you don't think it is a requirement for me to be seen as masculine and exciting enough.

I think first it would help to know what you want from dating. For instances if it is a fling then I think being upfront is better because then the woman if she wanted the same would not feel confused and duped.

I agree that honesty is good so all parties are on the same page. I know what I want, and it's always been a relationship.

This is how I would like to be treated, if you are looking for a girlfriend then be yourself and don't be forward about sex at all, maybe a weeks into dating you could discuss it if she has not brought it up or not given you any physical signs of being ready. If you go on longer without any discussion at least, she may feel you are not physically attracted to her. It is all about being open and honest, but being respectful and reading cues. Believe me if a woman wants to become sexual with you, you will know about it.

I think I could do that, since not being forward about sex is how I normally am. I don't know how to bring it up though. I'm also not good at flirting, I'm not really sure how to do it. Is it just telling someone that I think she looks cute/pretty/beautiful today? Or something else? I've been told I'm a decent conversationalist and storyteller so I feel good there, but I don't feel like I'm a very witty person.

I guess I have a hard time finding these fine lines. I have been open and honest about things before, but I was too open and honest - I revealed my weaknesses too early, I really wasn't in very good dating shape because of anxiety, bad habits I hadn't yet beaten, and past insecurities from my grade-school years. I also have a hard time reading these cues. I wouldn't say I'm socially awkward anymore, I can hold a conversation, I have friends, etc. but I'd say that with women, I don't know what works and what doesn't because I'm inexperienced.

You are a good guy and such a lovely personality, if I could offer any advice it would be to relax and enjoy the interaction and if it is a good match, it will flow nicely.

Hope that helps.

Thank you. It really does make me feel better to see someone say that about me. It makes me feel like I do have something to offer after all

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't think it's cowardly or boring at all. Honestly, if you come at me all sexual, I would likely shut you down.
I would rather have intelligent conversation and something to base something on than sex talk, because I'd be more likely to think that the ONLY thing you want is sex.
So yeah, that advice is stupid. Sex comes later for most people, I think, so save that honeysuckle for later if you must do it, but even then, I wouldn't appreciate an obnoxious, cocky guy.

That was my view on dating from the start - to base my interactions with the woman I want to date around conversation about interesting topics or sharing the things we like, and genuinely enjoying our interactions. Many of my peers growing up seemed to only view women as sex objects, and it didn't feel right to me, it felt very dark and negative and I always knew I didn't want to do it their way.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'm sapiosexual so it would probably have the opposite effect on me,i'm very attracted to intelligent men. A man who just talks about sex,to me has nothing better to talk about,isn't very interesting,and comes across as being just after one thing,I would shut him down.

I wouldn't pay attention to these books,people are different and looking for different things,it is more important for you to be you and not have to put on some front,so the right person is attracted to you.

Yeah, I figured women wouldn't really like the blunt approach. I don't want just sex either, I too would like stimulating conversation. Thanks for your thoughts.

---

I would actually prefer this. I'm the same as you. Not overly-sexual. I just don't think it's necessary. I don't mind sex, and it doesn't bother me if other people showcase their sexuality. But personally, I would rather not deal with that on a daily basis. I don't think it's boring or anything. Not cowardly in any way. Someone doesn't have to shout out to the rooftops how they are in order for someone to know how they are. Being subtle can do wonders oftentimes.

And I don't know who in their right mind would tell someone that if guys talk about non-sexual things, that we find them weak and boring. I think statements like that are projection from the person saying it. Projection on how they feel about themselves or how someone has made them feel. Because even if one lady thinks that, it doesn't mean the rest of us share that sentiment.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not anti-sex obviously, since it is part of a romantic relationship and that's what I'm looking for. But at the same time, I just don't think it needs to be as excessive as some people act like, especially in the media. I don't think it's necessary either, and excessive sexuality has, to me, always seemed tasteless, shabby. It's not a way I'd like to conduct myself. I guess in today's era of hyper-sexuality I was worried that I was coming off as bland.

The article probably was a lot of the writer's projections (needless to say the writer was the hyper-macho type) and not necessarily the truth with every woman.

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As a woman I would not think a guy is boring or dishonest if they dont talk about sex. first you have to get to know a person, it is not nice to say hello you want to have sex?
i like to talk to a guy get to know him, and in the long run eventually things that are meant to happen will happen.

I'd agree with this. It just seems rude to jump to sex talk right away, and totally skips the part about getting to know someone.

 

[Xpendable]

I think that guy was talking about hook ups.

 

[ardour]

Ironically -given the cultural emphasis on male entitlement, rape culture etc. - the places where it seems okay to want any extended conversation with the opposite sex are the sleaziest of situations; bars and venues ... online eg. Tinder. This is deemed okay because women's interest in some interaction is already implied by their presence in those spaces.

However, start a conversation elsewhere, with a co-worker, someone in class, try to relate as you would another guy and you're the awful faux friendly Nice Guy with an ulterior motive.

That's what Skafish is partly talking about, the circumstances in which it's acceptable to talk to women are where you're being judged by your attractiveness.

Just want to talk normally? Nah.

(Serenia, I wish more people thought like that.)

 

[Paraiyar]

Ironically -given the cultural emphasis on male entitlement, rape culture etc. - the places where it seems okay to want any extended conversation with the opposite sex are the sleaziest of situations; bars and venues ... online eg. Tinder. This is deemed okay because women's interest in some interaction is already implied by their presence in those spaces.

However, start a conversation elsewhere, with a co-worker, someone in class, try to relate as you would another guy and you're the awful faux friendly Nice Guy with an ulterior motive.

That's what Skafish is partly talking about, the circumstances in which it's acceptable to talk to women are where you're being judged by your attractiveness.

Just want to talk normally? Nah.

(Serenia, I wish more people thought like that.)

As a guy in my 20s I do know where you're coming from but I still think thaf the majority of this is in yout head.

 

[ardour]

As a guy in my 20s I do know where you're coming from but I still think thaf the majority of this is in yout head.

Some of it will be in my mind, or exaggerated by paranoia. It's also possible that you’re considerably better looking and more relaxed and that your experiences differ.

 

[VanillaCreme]

As a guy in my 20s I do know where you're coming from but I still think thaf the majority of this is in yout head.

Some of it will be in my mind, or exaggerated by paranoia. It's also possible that you’re considerably better looking and more relaxed and that your experiences differ.

Just out of curiosity... What does looks or being better looking have anything to do with it really? Differing experiences I understand. But I don't get why so many folks bring up looks.

 

[user 115627]

As a guy in my 20s I do know where you're coming from but I still think thaf the majority of this is in yout head.

Some of it will be in my mind, or exaggerated by paranoia. It's also possible that you’re considerably better looking and more relaxed and that your experiences differ.

Just out of curiosity... What does looks or being better looking have anything to do with it really? Differing experiences I understand. But I don't get why so many folks bring up looks.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder to a certain degree, but there is such a thing as an objective standard which may have less to do with looking "good" but with looking healthy. Which makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Counterargument is that we aren't apes anymore and that we can act against our instincts.

But people do judge each other based on appearance every day. Some actively, some subconsciously. And appearance is the first thing that we notice about a new person and in comparison it takes time to get to know a person's character. We can't just look into their heads after all. You can have as much confidence in yourself (looks and character) as you want, but if you are not physically appealing to this person and he/she gives in to instincts, it can all be nullified.

My personal stance on this is: Don't give any of these people the time of day. That doesn't make them disappear though.

 

[ardour]

Just out of curiosity... What does looks or being better looking have anything to do with it really? Differing experiences I understand. But I don't get why so many folks bring up looks.

Because people have this tendency to subconsciously associate pleasant, attractive faces with positive character traits and unattractive faces with negative traits. Particularly when they feel they're safety may be at stake - and the need to make snap judgements in order the keep themselves safe, as is the case with women. The current fixation with toxic masculinity and cishet male privilege exacerbates this.

It might not be how you or a lot of people think but that doesn't disprove it as a general pattern.

 

[Paraiyar]

Just out of curiosity... What does looks or being better looking have anything to do with it really? Differing experiences I understand. But I don't get why so many folks bring up looks.

Because people in general have this tendency to subconsciously associate pleasant, attractive faces with positive character traits and unattractive faces with negative traits. Particularly when they feel they're safety may be at stake as is the case with women. The current fixation with toxic masculinity and cishet male privilege only exacerbates this.

It means not so good looking, awkward men are often viewed with suspicion in a way their better looking brethren. (Women are trusting their intuition, which is inevitably influenced by underlying biases, including appearance).

(I'm not going to link to that article kamya and I posted a while back since it's pointless.)

It might not be how you or a lot of women think but that doesn't disprove it as a feature in social situations.

I think you are really overestimating how widespread the SJW mentality is among women in your first paragraph. Most wouldn't even know what a 'cishet' even is and certainly aren't thinking about 'deconstructing the patriachy' on a very regular basis. The type that are tend to get ridiculed a lot nowadays, even from other women.

It honestly sounds to me like you are too conscious of the idea of women finding you creepy and that may actually be projecting outwardly in how you act around women and so it winds up making them feel uncomfortable and becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. I know it can be hard but try and just forget about these things, it just sounds like they are holding you back socially.

 

[Xpendable]

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then why makeup?

 

[ladyforsaken]

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then why makeup?

Make-up doesn't always have to be a form of coping of insecurities. Sometimes they just want to accentuate certain features of their face, which can be done through make-up. Or they just feel better with it on, cos it can hide blemishes or spots or whatnots.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then why makeup?

Form of expression. There are so many neat things you can do with make up that will never appear on your body naturally. I feel the same way about tattoos.

 

[Xpendable]

Make-up doesn't always have to be a form of coping of insecurities. Sometimes they just want to accentuate certain features of their face, which can be done through make-up. Or they just feel better with it on, cos it can hide blemishes or spots or whatnots.

You realize all that you described has to do with image, right?

 

[Serenia]

Make-up is a creative thing too. The professional make-up artists what they can do is amazing. So is hair and clothe styling, also creative. If is a form of expression.

Some women and even some men (yes I have seen men wear foundation, and loads guyliner) do feel under pressure by peers and the opposite sex to have a certain look. A huge part of it is self esteem. People wear make-up because they don't necessarily believe in beauty is in the eye of beholder for them. (I believe in the beauty is in the eye of the beholder for men I look at, but not for myself, but I have horrendous self worth, it would take a great deal of trust and time to believe someone liked how I looked).

I wear foundation to cover blemishes and even my skin tone, but not everyday, but the eye make up and lip glosses I love to play and create different looks.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

^ I am constantly fascinated with eye make up. I wish I didn't have such shaky hands, because I would love to get the hang of liquid eyeliners and all the neat tricks you can do with it