Questions for the Women

[AmytheTemperamental]

I would date the hypothetical man who hasn't yet established himself. It would be nice if he could do some of the heavy lifting at home. And of course, he has to be secure enough to handle my life... 3 kids, full time job, a close family, and that bit of annoying baggage known as my ex. A partnership isn't defined on who brings in the most cash. And I would be perfectly fine with working my ass off for the man whom shows love and care for me. Just as I do for others in my life.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I would date the hypothetical man who hasn't yet established himself. It would be nice if he could do some of the heavy lifting at home. And of course, he has to be secure enough to handle my life... 3 kids, full time job, a close family, and that bit of annoying baggage known as my ex. A partnership isn't defined on who brings in the most cash. And I would be perfectly fine with working my ass off for the man whom shows love and care for me. Just as I do for others in my life.

I'm glad to see that you, and some women out there, understand that just because a guy has had a hard time financially and finding himself doesn't mean he never will or doesn't want to. I don't necessarily blame women for wanting a guy who has himself together but I also think it's refreshing when a woman looks past that. It's nice that you can see the person is more than just their problems.

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I just want to say something in general. There's been a lot of talk lately of a person's attitude being the reason why their single, but it's a complex problem because we don't know what came first - the person's attitude, or being repeatedly treated as if they were worthless. That can make anyone turn sour. It's a little hard to maintain a positive attitude when you get crapped on time and time again, and you don't know why or what you can do about it, and you feel like you can't do anything about it. It makes you feel like you have no power and can never have it. I don't mean power over women, I mean power over your own life. You don't have the thing everyone else has, and I don't mean sex, I mean whatever special ability enables the other guys to get girlfriends and you just can't. You think it's because the others are just "better" than you. Things haven't gone well for you where others have had an easy time, you don't know why, and you see nothing you can do about it or any reason things should change in the future because it hasn't happened yet, why would it now? Why would anything you do matter this time? That's what being a dateless, relationship-less, sexless man feels like. I imagine it's much the same for a woman too. It's a vicious cycle. And, if things had gone differently for them, maybe they would have had a better attitude. But it never does so they never do. Everything around them and everything that happens to them just keeps confirming that others are superior and they are inferior. They never have anything to give them a push out of the cycle.

Sure, complaining alone won't change the way society works and what women, or men, generally look for, in fact it will probably never change and it's best to learn to fit yourself around it. But at the same time, when a person has had things go like that for them, I think they should be allowed to vent a bit. It's frustrating to have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine when it's not. Maybe a little more compassion could help a person change their attitude and start to believe in their worth.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I would date the hypothetical man who hasn't yet established himself. It would be nice if he could do some of the heavy lifting at home. And of course, he has to be secure enough to handle my life... 3 kids, full time job, a close family, and that bit of annoying baggage known as my ex. A partnership isn't defined on who brings in the most cash. And I would be perfectly fine with working my ass off for the man whom shows love and care for me. Just as I do for others in my life.

I'm glad to see that you, and some women out there, understand that just because a guy has had a hard time financially and finding himself doesn't mean he never will or doesn't want to. I don't necessarily blame women for wanting a guy who has himself together but I also think it's refreshing when a woman looks past that. It's nice that you can see the person is more than just their problems.

I can honestly say that it's usually not that fact a guy may or may not have themselves together. But the notion that they'll work, and work hard, to get there. Personally, to me, there's nothing more enticing than to see a guy at work, or know that he is working to provide for himself and for a life that he desires.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

It's frustrating to have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine when it's not. Maybe a little more compassion could help a person change their attitude and start to believe in their worth.

What if I told you that you don't have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine? Recognizing that things are fudged up is the first step. But focusing on what everyone else has and being angry about it should be used as a major push, not as a tool to remain bitter. I have been honeysuckle on more than I can tell you, starting at birth. Everything I have now I have had to work for.

People look at me like I am insane when I say I am 24 with 3 kids, a failed marriage, full time job, supporting my own family, my mother and my sister and her kid. It sucks a lot of the time. But I have found a way to get ahead. I know that I am a loving, caring, compassionate person. And I don't force anyone else to carry my weight for me. No one defines who I am for me. What I contribute to my life defines that for me. And I think that I found once the "oh you're too young for your life" pity party started taking me seriously as a real time adult who has her honeysuckle together and doesn't need their pat on the back, made life a lot easier for me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I can honestly say that it's usually not that fact a guy may or may not have themselves together. But the notion that they'll work, and work hard, to get there. Personally, to me, there's nothing more enticing than to see a guy at work, or know that he is working to provide for himself and for a life that he desires.

Well, that's something I hadn't considered and I can see why and how it can be true. It makes sense but the thing is, to have the incentive to work, you have to believe that the life you desire is even possible. It's hard to work for something you have little to no reason to believe you will ever get. That's why I have a sour attitude - because of how I was treated in the past, and because I don't see why or how it will change in the future no matter what I do or how I conduct myself. The life I want feels about as real to me as becoming an actual superhero. Perhaps Xpendable, and many other dateless, sexless men, feel the same way.

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying it's hard to motivate yourself to work for something that you feel is extremely unlikely.

What if I told you that you don't have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine? Recognizing that things are fudged up is the first step. But focusing on what everyone else has and being angry about it should be used as a major push, not as a tool to remain bitter. I have been honeysuckle on more than I can tell you, starting at birth. Everything I have now I have had to work for.

I think I see what you're getting at, but again, I feel the difference between using your misfortune and the anger from it as a push instead of wallowing in defeat is the belief that you can ever get what you want, that what you do has any chance to actually matter. If you believe, you can use your anger as motivation. If you feel like it's hopeless, then it makes it hard to leave the pity party because it feels like that's all you can do. And that's where I think a lot of us lifelong single guys are at. We might even want to believe, but everything that's happened thus far seems to confirm our fears that it's hopeless, that it's because we're inferior, and that's just the way it is.

I didn't mean my comment to either of you as hostile, like I said, it was made in general and I didn't mean to compare who has had more hardship. I was just thinking, I feel like Xpendable was just venting, and sometimes it helps to vent. Instead of saying nothing, it helps sometimes to just stand up and say, f this, I hate it, etc. I don't mean he, I, or anyone should stay in the pity party, it's just like....taking a break I guess. That's where I'm coming from, anyway.

No one defines who I am for me. What I contribute to my life defines that for me. And I think that I found once the "oh you're too young for your life" pity party started taking me seriously as a real time adult who has her honeysuckle together and doesn't need their pat on the back, made life a lot easier for me.

That's fine, but do you believe things will get better though? If so, why?

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

For you, I fully believe things can and will get better.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I can honestly say that it's usually not that fact a guy may or may not have themselves together. But the notion that they'll work, and work hard, to get there. Personally, to me, there's nothing more enticing than to see a guy at work, or know that he is working to provide for himself and for a life that he desires.

Well, that's something I hadn't considered and I can see why and how it can be true. It makes sense but the thing is, to have the incentive to work, you have to believe that the life you desire is even possible. It's hard to work for something you have little to no reason to believe you will ever get. That's why I have a sour attitude - because of how I was treated in the past, and because I don't see why or how it will change in the future no matter what I do or how I conduct myself.

Well, you don't know. None of us know. Nothing's promised to us. But that's just the thing. If you're working towards something better, you'll get there - somewhere - eventually anyway. I'm thinking that you still don't fully get what I'm saying. You understand it. But it's not sinking in.

I think, along with Amy, that things will get better for you. But that depends on you. Not how others have done you in the past. But because one day, it'll fully click with you that you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.

 

[kamya]

It really doesn't matter what came first. You can still control your attitude. You can't control what happens to you.

I am in the anger and rage as motivation camp though. Hopefully some day I wont need it.

 

[Paraiyar]

You say "my attitude" but we all know is because I have the nerve to disagree and challenge the constant group thinking shown here.

Nope, I think they just don't like your attitude...

 

[Paraiyar]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

 

[kamya]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

I'll piggy back and ask is maybe other than as a safety mechanism if you sometimes do it just out of having social anxiety or not having mastered that awkward skill of being around people you don't know?

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

I wouldn't act cold to a stranger. I would probably be shy and giggly though.

It's when I get to know people that the coldness comes out from time to time

 

[Bluey]

I wouldn't act cold to a stranger. I would probably be shy and giggly though.

It's when I get to know people that the coldness comes out from time to time

What little I know of you that actually surprises me.
That you might be shy and giggly.
You come across has supper confident. Well on here you do and in PM when am making a dick out of myself lol

All tho I guess its easy to be confident on line. That I do understand.

 

[Serephina]

Unfortunately I sometimes do,which really puts people off,and I do it because I get nervous due to having social anxiety (although it's not as bad as it used to be).

 

[Bluey]

Unfortunately I sometimes do,which really puts people off,and I do it because I get nervous due to having social anxiety (although it's not as bad as it used to be).

Goes to show how people come across on line really is different in person.
I would not had guessed you had any issues with social anxiety.

Amy I did not talk to that much I just thought she was a man lmao
You tho I have talk to a lot and that is surprising to know that about you.

Goes to show that you really need to meet a person IRL to get to know them properly.

I think I would enjoy meeting you one day actually.

 

[Aisha]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

Often. Even around guys I do know.

 

[Paraiyar]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

Often. Even around guys I do know.

What do you think is the best way for a guy to get round this?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

Often. Even around guys I do know.

What do you think is the best way for a guy to get round this?

I don't think there is a way around it. It's someone's reaction.

 

[Aisha]

Do you sometimes feel the need to act kind of cold around a guy you don't know? Maybe as a safety mechanism?

Often. Even around guys I do know.

What do you think is the best way for a guy to get round this?

I can't speak for what would work with everyone, but I suppose it would just involve being friendly, relaxed and communicative with the majority of people. Personally, like Serephina, I have social anxiety which makes it a little more difficult for me to not come across as cold, especially in person. Online or off, it never gets easier for me to initiate conversations with people whether I know them or not, so I usually don't try. Men in particular. It is sort of a safety mechanism, I guess, like you mentioned.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I wouldn't act cold to a stranger. I would probably be shy and giggly though.

It's when I get to know people that the coldness comes out from time to time

What little I know of you that actually surprises me.
That you might be shy and giggly.
You come across has supper confident. Well on here you do and in PM when am making a dick out of myself lol

All tho I guess its easy to be confident on line. That I do understand.

We should skype sometime. You will hear shy and giggly.