Too much emphasis on confidence?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What is troubling is that a lot of guys aren't unattractive, but just don't look like gq models. But they are treated like they're hideous.

 

[Boston Lager]

Confidence is aspect specific. You can be a mumbling wet blanket in your social life but excel in your trade. More often than not, it is your work/hobby that gives you confidence. I can only be comfortable with myself and feel confident if I know I am putting in the hours. "An honest day's work for an honest day's pay."

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

l am confident in playing guitar, but not dating. That's my problem.

 

[VanillaCreme]

l am confident in playing guitar, but not dating. That's my problem.

That's because you know you can do it. I would even bet when you get into little musical moments, you don't even think about it. And that's the key.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You're right, it just comes naturally.

I don't know if I'll be a good kisser, for example. I look at that kiss from the reality TV show virgin couple, and I think it'll be like that.

 

[Baka]

It encourages people to be lazy and make quick judgements based on first impressions. I’ve known and loathed shallow people that get by on fake bravado as plenty of people here have probably, don't you just hate them? So why hand out this advice so readily? What if this isn’t who you are, if you can’t stand putting on an act so that others will "like" you? What if you’re more comfortable gradually getting to know people, what then?

I agree. I've had job interviews in the past, where I've been asked directly whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert. I always gave an honest answer, saying that I was somewhere in between, depending on the situation. Most people don't like that. They would rather have some plastic person who spouts "confident" rhetoric all day long, instead of someone who speaks the truth and is different from the norm. The same applies to meeting or getting to know people in a social setting. People are so easily impressed by a confident person, regardless of what he/she says. I've heard people laughing at some of the worst jokes, just because the speaker carries himself/herself well. No chance, you earn your laughs, just like everything else!

 

[ardour]

^ I don't dislike naturally confident people, you put that really well, it's where confidence is a substitute for substance and character (which it so often is.)

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I am confident that I probably won't be good enough for most women. I am fine with that.

 

[msbxa]

Yes, there is too much emphasis on confidence these days...

I've actually been thinking lately to create a very similar topic! About how so many people lately now mention confidence this... confidence that...
Like yeah it matters and it has importance, but it is not the ultimate, and other factors do come into play for different people.

I'm a bit late getting here, and good points have already been brought up. But I've been thinking to bring this topic up because I don't like to see the majority of people starting to make auto judgements. It leads to shallow thinking.

I know that from many of my own personal experiences, I naturally don't show a lot of confidence in things, however it seems like I experience countless times where I'll start doing something and am continually reminded and surprised by my abilities, and also people's positive reactions towards me. Then in short time my moods and feelings will change as I get into the activity. But the next day my confidence seems to reset back to low again.

Also I'm sure many would agree when I say too much confidence can be just as bad as little or no confidence.

There is a quote I heard that something like this: The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are full of doubts.

 

[VanillaCreme]

There is a quote I heard that something like this: The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are full of doubts.

I think a lot of people mix being confident with being cocky, and that makes for an explosive mix. There's nothing wrong with being confident in yourself, as long as being cocky stays out of the mix. If you don't believe in yourself, then no one else really will.

 

[Dissident]

Complaining about someone's lack of confidence is just a way of keeping someone down, though. It has nothing to do with the merit of the person's actions or beliefs.

 

[Cerebralis]

There are loads of confidence types. You can be confident in your work and dont be confident in getting relationships for example. People who pretend confidence are not really confident, reassuring is actually lying to yourself,you wouldnt need to reassure if you were confident, its not bad really in some cases. Its completely normal to not feel confident in things that never worked out for someone or never tried them or have some fear or something.

Also there is too much emphasis on confidence in some cultures I agree. It would be much more helpful and logical if people wouldnt need to pretend in some situations. Intelligent people will understand and would not require you to be confident in things society dictates. Admitting unconfidence and not rejecting it should be the way of society that wants to progress. Because that way its easier to build it in areas that are requered. Also building confidence is by trying really, I dont know what can be done there.. its combination of mental state and experience and maybe something else. Acting and lying is not really long term.

There is no human being who is trully confident. Noone is confident in everything. Maybe the guy who get girls and other things is so not confident in expresing emotions or logical thinking..or his own ideas{just an example}

You can pretend but your personality will get through, its actually impossible to just act all the time. So it is important who you are inside. using the example of a guy who is not confident in expressing emotions, he would act as he is, but his body language and his tone, the logic and whole of it is fake and you can see it. He would need to be a good liar and know how to fake body language really well to do it right. It is nearly impossible though. People dont read those signals of pretending or dont care maybe, then yes..this will work. You can be a robot acting if you want or if people dont care and want oyu to be like that.

Confidence is misunderstood really. Confidence dont mean you are better. Confident people are confident when they are doing things they are confident in. If its lying then here you go and can see as you stated they go far by doing it. Thats probably why they think everyone should be confident to be productive but its stupid. People try to make everything simple so they just throw the sign: You must be confident!

You are actually lucky that you understand it all and know how thigns are, because that way you can use it for your advantage if you want really. You will be much better than the guy not thinking about it or being only able to fake it, because you can manipulate now if you know those two sides of coin. So you can be confident in knowing the truth.

Also pretending wont make people like you in the long term, they wont be liked unless they can be fake all they life which would be a sad life really.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

A lot of women are attracted to cocky men, though.

I think the solution is to realize that people are attracted to all different types, and there is no one right answer.

 

[VanillaCreme]

And a lot of women aren't attracted to cocky men. It goes both ways.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

How does that change what I said? You basically just reworded what I said.

 

[Bones]

Dayam, some people have an excuse for everything.

Either accept the responsibility of your own actions (or should I say non-action) or fix it after truthful evaluation of yourself.

Personally, if i am truthful with myself, i could fix it and probably get into a relationship within a couple of months or so, (or make a new friend within a week or two), but I chose to not fix my broken heart, jack up the confidence level, etc because i still feel the pain of loneliness is less than the possible pain in a relationship, but this is my choice and not blaming others for my own shortcomings/non-actions.

Seriously, I have noticed when I jack up the "confidence," smile, make eye contact with others, etc, I get a lot of positive feedback with a smile - it almost never fails to get a smile back; and when people smile at me, it makes me feel better.

Its all on me if truth really be told.

However, I do realize some people have to try harder than others and have more barriers to overcome; but still, if a person wants to be in a relationship, make more friends, etc, go out and be social - it is highly unlikely some fairy is going to wave her wand and poof you are in a relationship, make a friend, or have inner confidence - seriously, while i have severe social anxiety, i have forced myself to go out to the club & dance by myself on the floor, and normally end up with dancing with a lot of different females and making a friend or two.

Just do it if it is that important to you, stop making excuses, and being confident can be done even if you are a more silent - the silent confident types rocks.

(I am sure this post will not go over well.)

 

[EveWasFramed]

....it's not about slamming open the bar doors and walking in like you own the place, shooting everyone down with a death stare before grabbing the girl and riding off into the sunset.

Wonder what would happen if I did that to a guy?

lol

---

Not sure if anyone has given this any thought, but....

I've seen people that didn't appear to be that "confident" in themselves. However, it's pretty easy to instill a little confidence in someone just by recognizing them. Sometimes all someone needs is a little nudge...a bit of acceptance for who they are and then watch the confidence flow.
Just sayin....food for thought, even if slightly off topic.

 

[Dissident]

Dayam, some people have an excuse for everything.

Translation: the rest of my post will be filled with vacuous logic.

Either accept the responsibility of your own actions (or should I say non-action) or fix it after truthful evaluation of yourself.

You can't force yourself to be confident if you honestly feel there is no reason to be confident. This is the ultimate truth at the heart of the matter.

Personally, if i am truthful with myself, i could fix it and probably get into a relationship within a couple of months or so, (or make a new friend within a week or two), but I chose to not fix my broken heart, jack up the confidence level, etc because i still feel the pain of loneliness is less than the possible pain in a relationship, but this is my choice and not blaming others for my own shortcomings/non-actions.

If some ass you don't know makes a snide remark, you should be able to disregard it. If someone that has gone beyond a simple acquaintance treats you like utter ****, it is unreasonable to expect you to just magically be fine afterward. People are indirectly responsible for the way other people feel and behave. Denying this goes directly against the findings of the scientific community.

Seriously, I have noticed when I jack up the "confidence," smile, make eye contact with others, etc, I get a lot of positive feedback with a smile - it almost never fails to get a smile back; and when people smile at me, it makes me feel better.

Its all on me if truth really be told.

So the solution is to force a square peg into a round hole? Yeah, no. How about a real solution that doesn't involve taking on a persona, since you want to talk about truth?

What you suggest will probably work in some BS self-help guide in a library somewhere between homeopathy remedies and disorder denial.

However, I do realize some people have to try harder than others and have more barriers to overcome; but still, if a person wants to be in a relationship, make more friends, etc, go out and be social - it is highly unlikely some fairy is going to wave her wand and poof you are in a relationship, make a friend, or have inner confidence - seriously, while i have severe social anxiety, i have forced myself to go out to the club & dance by myself on the floor, and normally end up with dancing with a lot of different females and making a friend or two.

Doesn't work. Seen friends try it. Been dragged into trying it. Mutual lack of success across the board. Still not seeing how people should just magically make themselves falsely confident and manage to hide their faux sense of self-worth.

Just do it if it is that important to you, stop making excuses, and being confident can be done even if you are a more silent - the silent confident types rocks.

Confidence is a result, not a means.



Ultimate point: there is nothing anyone has said so far that justifies judging people by their confidence.

 

[ardour]

Dayam, some people have an excuse for everything.

Either accept the responsibility of your own actions (or should I say non-action) or fix it after truthful evaluation of yourself.

Personally, if i am truthful with myself, i could fix it and probably get into a relationship within a couple of months or so, (or make a new friend within a week or two), but I chose to not fix my broken heart, jack up the confidence level, etc because i still feel the pain of loneliness is less than the possible pain in a relationship, but this is my choice and not blaming others for my own shortcomings/non-actions.

Seriously, I have noticed when I jack up the "confidence," smile, make eye contact with others, etc, I get a lot of positive feedback with a smile - it almost never fails to get a smile back; and when people smile at me, it makes me feel better.

Its all on me if truth really be told.

However, I do realize some people have to try harder than others and have more barriers to overcome; but still, if a person wants to be in a relationship, make more friends, etc, go out and be social - it is highly unlikely some fairy is going to wave her wand and poof you are in a relationship, make a friend, or have inner confidence - seriously, while i have severe social anxiety, i have forced myself to go out to the club & dance by myself on the floor, and normally end up with dancing with a lot of different females and making a friend or two.

Just do it if it is that important to you, stop making excuses, and being confident can be done even if you are a more silent - the silent confident types rocks.

(I am sure this post will not go over well.)

You missed the point; why we judge others by their confidence levels in the first place, as if it were an attribute on the same level as integrity, honesty, intelligence, work ethic etc.

And confidence goes beyond the simple politeness you're describing.

Some people are just hesitant about getting familiar until some trust is established. Why should they need to make excuses?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Confidence is something that comes from experience, and also knowledge.

If all you've experienced is rejection and the improbability of getting into a relationship, you will not be confident that you will ever be in a relationship.

I'll give a social example. Say I see a fellow musician holding, say, a guitar. I can walk over and strike a conversation about makes, models, types of playing, etc. I can pull out my guitar, and we can play, say, "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Suddenly I realize I've made a new friend, and possibly a fellow collaborator. We exchange numbers, get together and jam at a studio sometime, and an album comes out of it.

Now let's throw in a dating example. I see a girl across the room. She doesn't approach me, but does smile at me. I could potentially walk over there, and strike up a conversation....first off, what do we talk about? Okay, say that we get off on a good start, and we become friendly and have a good conversation...how do I know that she likes me as more than a friend?

Aside from her saying, "Kiss me", or "Take me now on the kitchen table" (and judging by past responses, that is very unlikely), how am I supposed to deduce whether I should call her up and invite her to a date, or invite her to a social hangout just as friends? I have nothing to go on, because I've never had someone who has felt the same way about me as I have about her, at least to the point where I KNOW it (I've found out that I've been put in the friend zone and she's gone after someone else, because I didn't make a move...but I thought we were just friends? WTF?)

I'd just like to know when, exactly, I am supposed to be confident that I know what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing? At least, when I know that I'm socializing to make a friend, everything is square, and I can know if we're going to be friends or not...the dating world is oblivious to me. Probably why I have so many female friends....