Too much emphasis on confidence?

[VanillaCreme]

You stated that a person cannot adversely affect the way another person feels (or that it is a trivial matter to overcome it), thereby removing responsibility from how people act toward each other. That you think it's laughable only demonstrates sociopathic tendencies.

Once again, you thought way too much into what I said. You don't know me, and don't assume you do know all about me because you read into what I post here. I'm not a sociopath. But believe what you want. Your opinions don't really affect me, and the fact that you put so much effort into trying to explain what you're saying to someone who doesn't really care is laughable to me. You're just wasting time?

You want some advice on how to be more confident - find someone who is good at whatever endeavor you want to be more confident in, and ask them for help. Ask them to show you how things are done and to honestly critique the way you do things. Listen to them critique you, and take their advice. Then practice doing whatever it is you want to be more confident in doing. Practice it a lot - as you get better, you will be more confident.

I'd have to agree with that, Raab. Being under someone's wing when you're just starting something can really help. I think that's an issue I have. I was actually thinking last night, how it saddens me that I won't have my mom to guide me in things. She's actually brought it up before, why I don't seem like I'm going anywhere in life, and when she was my age, she had a job and could drive, and had her own car and whatnot... I had to tell her that she didn't have a sick mother to care for. So, there are things that I missed out on having, and things I will always miss out on by her being sick. I don't dislike her for it, and I'd never call her a bad mother, but it did hurt me that she tried to compare my life to what hers was when my situation is completely different.

Aside from the few friends that I actually ask for guidance from, I will never get the chance to be under the wing of my mom as a grown woman myself.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't believe you are a sociopath.

I do believe that you don't have the empathy to understand where other people who are less off than you, are coming from. You aren't intentionally trying to hurt people, but your "advice" does hurt people. You and Bones.

 

[EveWasFramed]

OK...if ANYONE here can accurately make an assessment of VanillaCreme and whether or not she displays sociopath-like tenancies, it's ME.
I KNOW her, have met her, eaten dinner with her and had her visit my home for several days. My kid has even met her.

She's not a sociopath by any stretch of the definition. I know these are just opinions being expressed, but it's based on interpretation of typed words - not of the person's actions in real life.
So, I feel I'm in a little better position than others here to know how Nilla thinks.

Also, "advice" will often cause others pain, especially if said advice might imply they are doing something "wrong" or need to change things about themselves. NOT saying that's the case here, but often, advice is a form of constructive criticism.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Eve, I didn't say that she was a sociopath. In fact, I said she wasn't. I know that wasn't probably aimed at me, but I just need to clarify.

I just think people are quick to hand out advice based on their own experiences. I do it, too, so it's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black...and I do need to start looking at things from other people's perspective, but they also need to look at it from mine.

Vanilla was able to push aside the horrible bullying she received, and all the rejections she had. Good for her. Bones was able to wake up, say "It starts with me", and start approaching women...and receiving positive attention. Good for him.

I'd just like for people to look at it from the perspective of someone who has approached women, been positive, and nothing has come out of it. I'm supposed to change to be a more positive person...but ****, I was that way. I am positive in every other aspect of my life. I can make friends. I can get a job (or at least I could before.) I can work hard in school and make straight A's and B's. I can play a guitar, and make people's jaw drop.

I can't (CAN'T) determine if someone will want to go out with me, based on just a "hello" and a random conversation. Like I said, the only thing I can determine is if she doesn't like me that way, because women make that extremely clear. When they actually do like you, they do things like play with their hair, wink, and smile...I've had those experiences happen to me before, asked her out, and then I get the speech about how "she's not wanting to date right now"...yet a week later, she is dating someone else, someone better looking than me.

So please don't tell me it's a confidence issue. I could be the most confident person in the world, and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I can't change that. Even Pickup artist manuals determine that there are some instances where you simply cannot get a girl...and I don't subscribe to that garbage, so I can't even rely on preformatted "tricks."

 

[theraab]

I'd just like for people to look at it from the perspective of someone who has approached women, been positive, and nothing has come out of it.

Every guy I know has been there. Being confident doesn't guarantee anything - it just helps. From the opposite side, not being confident may not completely undermine what you're doing, but it is a hindrance.

I'm supposed to change to be a more positive person...but ****, I was that way. I am positive in every other aspect of my life. I can make friends. I can get a job (or at least I could before.) I can work hard in school and make straight A's and B's. I can play a guitar, and make people's jaw drop.

Then put yourself in positions where you can impress the chicks with your guitar playing. You're confident in those abilities - use that to your advantage. If you have a guitar with you and you can't think of anything to say to a girl, say, "You wanna hear something awesome?" and then blow her mind with your playing.

I can't (CAN'T) determine if someone will want to go out with me, based on just a "hello" and a random conversation.

No one can - the only way to determine it is to ask.

I could be the most confident person in the world, and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I can't change that. Even Pickup artist manuals determine that there are some instances where you simply cannot get a girl...and I don't subscribe to that garbage, so I can't even rely on preformatted "tricks."

That's life, though. You can't make someone like you - that's the same for everyone.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thanks thearab. That was a very good response, and made me consider things.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Eve, I didn't say that she was a sociopath. In fact, I said she wasn't. I know that wasn't probably aimed at me, but I just need to clarify.

I just think people are quick to hand out advice based on their own experiences. I do it, too, so it's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black...and I do need to start looking at things from other people's perspective, but they also need to look at it from mine.

Vanilla was able to push aside the horrible bullying she received, and all the rejections she had. Good for her. Bones was able to wake up, say "It starts with me", and start approaching women...and receiving positive attention. Good for him.

I'd just like for people to look at it from the perspective of someone who has approached women, been positive, and nothing has come out of it. I'm supposed to change to be a more positive person...but ****, I was that way. I am positive in every other aspect of my life. I can make friends. I can get a job (or at least I could before.) I can work hard in school and make straight A's and B's. I can play a guitar, and make people's jaw drop.

I can't (CAN'T) determine if someone will want to go out with me, based on just a "hello" and a random conversation. Like I said, the only thing I can determine is if she doesn't like me that way, because women make that extremely clear. When they actually do like you, they do things like play with their hair, wink, and smile...I've had those experiences happen to me before, asked her out, and then I get the speech about how "she's not wanting to date right now"...yet a week later, she is dating someone else, someone better looking than me.

So please don't tell me it's a confidence issue. I could be the most confident person in the world, and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I can't change that. Even Pickup artist manuals determine that there are some instances where you simply cannot get a girl...and I don't subscribe to that garbage, so I can't even rely on preformatted "tricks."

Actually, I didn't say anyone called her a sociopath - I said she didn't have any sociopath-like tendencies in real life. I see that you said she wasn't one, so that should clearly show that I wasn't aiming my comment at you. You really did jump to the conclusion that time.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I can't (CAN'T) determine if someone will want to go out with me, based on just a "hello" and a random conversation.

No one can - the only way to determine it is to ask.

Thank you. A lot of people don't realize that all they can do is ask. You either get a yes, or you get a no. There's not much to lose, even if you get a no. You'd get a no if you didn't ask to begin with.

I could be the most confident person in the world, and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I can't change that. Even Pickup artist manuals determine that there are some instances where you simply cannot get a girl...and I don't subscribe to that garbage, so I can't even rely on preformatted "tricks."

That's life, though. You can't make someone like you - that's the same for everyone.

And thank you again. Exactly.

Thank you for standing up for me, Eve. <3

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm going to start asking, when I am in a position TO ask. If I asked right now, and she said yes, I would be in a terrible position to date.

 

[Baka]

sigh...going to repeat myself; confidence is not a valuable attribute on the same level as integrity, honesty, intelligence, work ethic, compassion, decency. Yet you're elevating it to an absolute essential to be considered worthy of human contact. Complete low-lifes can have a great deal of confidence. They often do. The depressing impression is of some people actually prefering that to an honest but even mildly inhibited person.

Well said!

 

[nerdygirl]

It is important to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance. Being self-confident has nothing to do with bragging or being cocky. I am quite self aware, so I acknowledge my weaknesses and strengths. I am comfortable in my own skin, but I don't run around telling people how great I am. People who fail to possess any amount of self-confidence generally lack any sense of self-worth. There is absolutely nothing healthy about being incapable of having at least a little bit of self-confidence.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It is important to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance. Being self-confident has nothing to do with bragging or being cocky. I am quite self aware, so I acknowledge my weaknesses and strengths. I am comfortable in my own skin, but I don't run around telling people how great I am. People who fail to possess any amount of self-confidence generally lack any sense of self-worth. There is absolutely nothing healthy about being incapable of having at least a little bit of self-confidence.

Very well said. I hope that more people realize this.

 

[ardour]

It is important to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance. Being self-confident has nothing to do with bragging or being cocky. I am quite self aware, so I acknowledge my weaknesses and strengths. I am comfortable in my own skin, but I don't run around telling people how great I am. People who fail to possess any amount of self-confidence generally lack any sense of self-worth. There is absolutely nothing healthy about being incapable of having at least a little bit of self-confidence.

If only more people could tell the difference. Surely people lack confidence for a variety of reasons, so judging a person's worth entirely by their apparent sense of self-worth just seems cruel. Some poster's will say "life isn't fair", helping prove that point in the process. Life's as fair in this regard as people make it. If you want to make hasty judgements, you're free too, but equally if you are willing to get to know someone before judging them there’s nothing stopping you. There's no compelling reason to be shallow unless it's 'speed dating', where all you have to go by is initial impressions.

 

[Naleena]

Bump