It's really frustrating to both be "not OK", and also have to worry about money.
I don't know who I am, I'm not good at anything, and I don't know how to talk in the right way to be attractive. I don't do smooth talk, teasing, sarcasm, and flirting/sexual innuendo. I don't think in those terms. It doesn't occur to me naturally to think that way, I just don't see things that way, my mind doesn't work like that.
I also couldn't get away with acting like that even if I did, because I'm not good at anything or successful at anything, and don't even have the macho body and personality, which is how a lot of other guys who aren't particularly successful/good at things/have hobbies or anything that would make them interesting or respectable, manage to fudge their way around it. Even if I knew how to talk that way and wanted to (I don't), it would be seen as gross, not attractive, because I'm not strong and don't even appear to be.
I feel like I'm a zero. I guess biologically, I should be edged out. It's evil to me because it's happening to me. I guess I wasn't born with enough of the right stuff. But I want a normal life anyway, damn it. Not this ******* forever singledom ********. Knowing why this works the way it does, isn't any consolation. I want a life, not just distractions.
It's like if you don't have money to begin with, how are you supposed to figure things out that you don't know instinctively? It takes time and I'm not going to understand these things if I never have the time or energy to be able to think through them until I understand them. For some reason or another I didn't just know these things instinctively, but if I don't get to figure them out, then I'm just going to make the same mistakes over and over because even though I know they are mistakes now, I still don't know what to do instead, and how to do it.
But it's like, when am I supposed to figure this stuff out? When I'm mentally tired as hell from forcing myself to do things I have zero interest in all day, and can't even think real thoughts?
I feel like I'll never be able to figure it out. Or sometimes I think it doesn't matter anyway, even if I did have time to figure it out, because I feel like I wasn't born with enough potential/ability to make my life into anything. And that just makes me uninterested in anything because nothing is going to make me OK with that. So I'm never going to be able to be interesting and attractive no matter what I do.
Maybe I'm just catastrophizing again and not thinking clearly right now. I don't know.
.
i’m empty grave girl after all
