Feeling is mostly optional to me. Keyword being mostly. Thing is that once I turn them off I can't exactly turn them back on again, I used to be able to, but that lever kind of broke from the frequency of me doing it. So now it just becomes like a reflexive response to overwhelming bombardment.
To some degree, I prefer it that way. It's better than being sad all the time. And I hate being angry, mostly because it's exhausting to overspend my energy that way. I can control my biorhythm better with the suspension of my emotions. My mind in that moment is but a white room of an echo chamber, which works really well in conjunction with all of my thoughts being a stream of consciousness rather than molded postulations.
It's in my writing and artistic outlets that the articulate molding happens. To some degree yes, I do kind of talk this way, just perhaps without a backspace button to let me redact a thought to try to better word it. lol.
But, trying to have a structured life, and the finessing and molding of it, requires me to tap into that weightlessness and lack of feeling in order to efficiently organize and reorganize my objectives in time synchronization, financial organization, and lastly by personal preferences. I have my own narrative, is the thing. Which is why I gave up on the idea of dating and let the longingness subside.
There's also a large part of me that's looking at it from the logical practicality of my life that thinks:
Why would I want to be emotionally connected to a planet that only wants to exploit my emotional connection?
So because of that, I remain detached. Because it's more tranquil for me to remain detached.
But nobody can remain entirely detached all of the time, it's not really humanly possible, at least not without some form of a lobotomy or potential ECT.
I try to decompress either at the end of my days or at the end of my weeks, depending on how troublesome they are.
As a madman, I have all of the time among the timeless nothingness.
This is the equal but polar opposite of what men go through when they realize that monogamy is a social construct after a girl monkey branches. A shattering of dreams or a deconstruction of a conceptual understanding of reality.
Pain isn't a bad thing, most people think that it is, but it isn't. It's a good thing. For one thing, it lets you know that you're still alive. For another thing, it allows you to see what you need to focus on and/or change. So in all actuality, pain is a teacher in life.
Things upset me all of the time, I'm an artist, so I'm naturally a perfectionist, and outside sources throw wrenches in my system all of the time. So I have to learn to deal with it. It's in HOW I learn to deal with it, is the thing.
The general rule of thumb is that I make it a point not to get emotionally close to things and people that can cause me pain beyond my threshold, not because I can't handle it, but because high levels of stress trigger me spiraling out, potentially hallucinating, and I really can't control what happens beyond a certain point of that. I've had experiences in such states that are highly atypical, amoral, and that I can't really speak of publicly without potential risk to throwing my identity or self legal incrimination. There's definitely a hard line between fantasy and reality, and when that line disappears, things can get very dicey very quickly, and it's one thing if you're blurring that line while making a romance or sex scene in a movie, it's another thing if you're blurring that line in a horror movie. I dream in Lovecraftian sometimes, so I mean, there's that. Which is all the more reason why I practice developmental detachment.
People are products of their environments, and under my circumstances and environment I evolved and adapted accordingly. That's life. That's how people become who they are, through that such adaptation, so it differs from person to person accordingly.
I kinda wanna pick your brain on something Cen. I need an answer to this relating to this from exactly that perspective actually.
Of what utilitarian use or purpose could you find for manipulating a man who finds the following to be resoundingly true:
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."
