Are fat people allowed to have standards?

[CenotaphGirl]

I said as long as possible.

How much of the time is illness the issue, really.

Whether it's women who who gain a lot of weight immediately after settling down, or guys refusing to maintain basic grooming and fitness, it's the same "Give me what I want, and f*ck your needs mentality." Same mentality from extreme incels for that matter. As if the opposite *** were barely sentient and had no right to preferences.

However whiney and angry I might be I've never expected women to find me attractive let alone called them bigots if they found me repulsive, which most probably do. Most people aren't "pure" in terms of what they require to be sexual with another person, nor do they control that.

I just wondered, like my mum is super into her physical appearance, shes a dance/yoga teacher, but after the birth of my brother she suffered a complication and one of her leg swells, she has to wear compression garments. I suppose my dad could have been like ewh you arent hot anymore and left her, I just wondered if this mindset is a sickness and in health mindset…

 

[ardour]

I just wondered, like my mum is super into her physical appearance, shes a dance/yoga teacher, but after the birth of my brother she suffered a complication and one of her leg swells, she has to wear compression garments. I suppose my dad could have been like ewh you arent hot anymore and left her, I just wondered if this mindset is a sickness and in health mindset…

It isn't a justification for leaving somebody. But I still think as far as aspects of appearance under a person's control, yeah they do owe their partner some consideration.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It isn't a justification for leaving somebody. But I still think as far as aspects of appearance under a person's control, yeah they do owe their partner some consideration.

Interesting, like I keep my body done, I do things to it most men dont like lmao because I like it, i would never be overweight tho no matter what but I just worry about things out of my control more than anything else, like getting ill and not looking my best.

 

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

I said as long as possible.

How much of the time is illness the issue, really.

Whether it's women who who gain a lot of weight immediately after settling down, or guys refusing to maintain basic grooming and fitness, it's the same "Give me what I want, and f*ck your needs mentality." Same mentality from extreme incels for that matter. As if the opposite *** were barely sentient and had no right to preferences.

However whiney and angry I might be I've never expected women to find me attractive let alone called them bigots if they found me repulsive, which most probably do. Most people aren't "pure" in terms of what they require to be sexual with another person, nor do they control that.

Bingo. Best post in the thread.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Bingo. Best post in the thread.

But I still don't get it, if illness was an issue, would that still be a deal breaker, yes or no?

 

[ardour]

But I still don't get it, if illness was an issue, would that still be a deal breaker, yes or no?

There's integrity by choosing to stick by them. But most people would still like the sexual/physical side of things to continue, if they can.

I wouldn't blame anyone for refusing sexual intimacy if their SO doubled in weight for instance or refused other forms of self-maintenance (what if they refused to basic hygiene... you gonna have *** with them then?) Feeling guilt tripped into *** sucks. It's uncomfortable, borderline creepy.

 

[Naizo]

As far as someone going through something in life that causes them to be incapable of continuing life as they were, such as ending up in a wheelchair for lack of a better example, one needs to see the type of person that is capable of continuing to give themselves to that person in heart and soul is simply not how everyone is. But those that are that way are indeed special. There is an integrity in choosing to stick by them, as ardour says. Life simply requires... understanding, but moreso than understanding.. comprehension. Is it... "Why don't people find me attractive" or is it that there are indeed people that find us each and all attractive, regardless of what we look like or how we act, or how we are in life, and we simply may not perceive them or know about them. They are, after all, as blind and confused as us. There are also the fact that someone who finds us attractive may not in turn be attractive to ourselves.
A conversation I had once, I'm sure we have all heard or been a part of. A friend of mine asking why all men want the same thing, why all men want just ***. I had to say. Well, you want *** too. Just not from that person. Maybe not now, not at all, but you're human, you will want it from someone, at some point, in some capacity, you crave togetherness. It's not that there's anything wrong with him. Or her turning him down. He's not being disgusting, he's simply... barking up the wrong tree. People that actively use dating apps then get upset about which people try to talk to them are goofy. There are people that are more promiscuous and free spirited, and there are people that are more reserved. The advent of the internet made the pool bigger, for everyone, and therefore there are more people that won't find us attractive because they all, every single one, have their own tastes. But that does not mean that there is not someone that could really be into what someone else brings to the table. There's simply so many people you may never meet them, out of anything but random chance. It's no different than before everyone was so connected, only the perception because now we are privy to so many more people that don't find what we have, attractive.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

There's integrity by choosing to stick by them. But most people would still like the sexual/physical side of things to continue, if they can.

I wouldn't blame anyone for refusing sexual intimacy if their SO doubled in weight for instance or refused other forms of self-maintenance (what if they refused to basic hygiene... you gonna have *** with them then?) Feeling guilt tripped into *** sucks. It's uncomfortable, borderline creepy to expect them to feel obligated with zero regard for what they can realistically find appealing.

So yes? lol I don't think anyone should be guilt tripped or shamed into liking anything, I don't wanna hear I am heightist or racist for whatever it is that I find attractive you know... I just thought, after all the initial crap, when you are really trying to settle down, do you still have to worrying about changing, ageing, getting ill? I just thought, wont a man who really loves you, stick by you through that?

 

[user 139760]

So yes? lol I don't think anyone should be guilt tripped or shamed into liking anything, I don't wanna hear I am heightist or racist for whatever it is that I find attractive you know... I just thought, after all the initial crap, when you are really trying to settle down, do you still have to worrying about changing, ageing, getting ill? I just thought, wont a man who really loves you, stick by you through that?

Well, call me old school and old fasioned, but let me say this; if I give my heart to someone. If I chose someone to share my life with, if I spend the rest of my life with someone...she could get hit by a bus, be horribly mangled and lose both legs. It won't matter. We'll work through it.
That's what love is supposed to be. I expect the same.
I believe it says "in sickness and in health" somewhere in the contract

 

[Butterfly 2]

Well, call me old school and old fasioned, but let me say this; if I give my heart to someone. If I chose someone to share my life with, if I spend the rest of my life with someone...she could get hit by a bus, be horribly mangled and lose both legs. It won't matter. We'll work through it.
That's what love is supposed to be. I expect the same.
I believe it says "in sickness and in health" somewhere in the contract

Exactly what you said!

 

[Adamcastro86]

It depends on the standard. I am not currently in the dating scene since I have been married for almost 2 decades, but I have had plenty awkward conversations with single moms both overweight to actual models. I feel it comes down to the expectations that are placed on that person in prior relationships. A model I new just wanted to be loved. She had twins and her husband went out and partied to his hearts content and she felt very lonely. Got divorced and while she is absolutely stunning men say she is too old or too much baggage. Younger dudes chase her in hopes to have a milf experience and she is left just wanting someone to give a **** about her as a person. Then there are some of the overweight women I know. They have standards that are all over like anyone else. I know a woman who is 6 foot 4 inches and 375 pounds. She wants her man to: be 6 foot 6 inches tall minimum, visible muscle tone, blue or green eyes, chizzled jaw line, make more money than her (not hard unemployed) and some other demands. On the surface you say take what you can get, but she constantly never measured up to what beauty was and she is chasing an ideal that she herself can’t reach as far as looks. When she gets men in this range she is a hole to fill when they need to release, but not a person to call life partner.

As for the whole standard fat person having a standard I think everyone should have healthy realistic ideas of who they want in their life. Think about what you want. Me personally I became a *** coach not to take on clients but to please my wife in bed. Learned the skills never did it for anyone else. I did this because I value deep physical connection and play with my partner. Getting her body moldable to my every touch before we have ***. I also want someone who actually cares about other people and their well being without feeling like she needs to internalize everyone’s problems. Anyways I say this because knowing the qualities of your partner as a person is more important than knowing physical qualities that go away. I’ve never been with an overweight person, but that is just because many I’ve met in life disgust me with their shallowness. Anyways I hope I answered your question.

 

[WillPower]

Me personally I became a *** coach not to take on clients but to please my wife in bed. Learned the skills never did it for anyone else.

Totally off topic, but I had no idea this was even a job. What exactly did you do as a *** coach? Lol

 

[Adamridge79]

Sure. People love hot spice everything. Have at it nutjobs.

 

[Diogenes]

So my research has led me to an interesting area… overweight people in the dating scene.. it seems that if you are overweight the expectation is you are supposed to take what you can get and have little to no standards… do you think thats accurate ? Harsh but true? Or ridiculous, why should weight have anything to do with it?

Great topic. Let me offer some anecdotes.

Unfortunately, these days, it's become necessary to point out that citing factual first person observations is NOT at all the same as saying "everyone".

Saying "I got bitten by a german shepherd" is a simple fact, not "racist against german shepherds" as the PC police would like to label it. Saying "ALL german shepherds will bite you," would be inaccurate, but morons are incapable of understanding the difference between the two comments.

I had a room mate who I considered severely overweight. Her plump best friend ended up becoming my girlfriend. They confided in me that for years they were desperate to find men.

One night they were out at a club, and were approached by two arab men. It's my understanding that in cultures with common financial / food scarcity, it's a sign of pride for a man to have an overweight wife / girlfriend. It shows he is a wealthy and can afford to indulge his woman. These guys eventually became boyfriends. The girls didn't like them, especially their refusal to bathe and their religious ideas, but, again, the girls couldn't afford to be choosy. No one else wanted a fat girl.

The girls confided that there was another reason; as muslims, the arab men were not allowed to have ******l *** with women outside of marriage; so they attempted to have *** with the girls by just thrusting between the very plump thighs without any insertion.
This didn't go over well.

The point is, every body type is attractive to SOMEone.

I met a friend of mine through online dating; we were not a match, but became friends. She was twice divorced, and lonely. Her opinion was that she was getting overlooked on dating sites due to her being overweight. She was biter, unhappy, and discouraged.

Being a rescue / fix personality, I tried to help. I told her that every female body type has a male fan base. She was skeptical. I did some research, and found a local private club online: "For big beautiful women and the men who love them". Admittedly, more a *** hookup club than a dating club.

I sent her a link to the club website, then a couple weeks later asked her what she thought. She angrily snapped at me, "I don't want to date fat men!"

She had totally misunderstood. The men in that club were not overweight, the women were.

This is leaving aside the grotesque hypocrisy of her resenting being rejected over weight while practicing that standard against men.

This is something I've experienced again and again in life. To women, facts of reality don't matter. Insanely, they regard emotions as tools of perceiving reality.

Unfortunately, society is ruled by *******. Actual laws, and social conventions, run on an absurd swinging pendulum from one negative extreme to another.

Instead of using reason, they use emotional hysteria.

"Big Beautiful Woman" has become some kind of self awarded badge of honor.
It's an over reaction to a long history of fat shaming, but it's wildly misguided.

There is a reason the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" exists. I don't become a hero by insisting that people call me Bat Man.

All of the facts have to be taken into consideration:

Overweight can have many serious and real negative connotations.

Diabetes, heart disease, thyroid issues. Is an unhealthy person attractive?

Mental or emotional issues. Many overeat instead of confronting deep inner demons that on one would want to deal with in a partner.

Over committed to a job that requires a lot of time sedentary. If you're so invested in your job that you sit all day, eat poorly and never exercise, why would any man think you have time to invest in a relationship?

Poverty. Sadly, the least expensive foods are often the most unhealthy, loaded with fat and sugar.

Lack of self discipline. If she doesn't respect her body enough to feed it right, why should any man?

Misunderstanding what men care about. Just because advertising uses stick figure models to sell makeup and clothing to women doesn't mean that all men want stick figures.

The reality is, a small surplus of body fat is a healthy thing, an evolutionary defense against times of privation and stress. The reality is, a woman gains weight to be able to better feed babies, it's normal. Being fat isn't necessarily sick or shameful or bad. But to pretend that it NEVER is those things is idiotic.

A final anecdote. I worked a factory job in a New England state known for long winters. Some co workers noticed that I walked home along the highway each day; they offered to give me a ride. The first day, they told me to find their car in the parking lot. Their son, visiting home from the Navy, would be driving and expecting me.

This guy was pleasant, stationed somewhere in California. As we waited for his parents, a stream of workers walked past, predominantly women. The sailor turned to me and said, "Damn! You got some homely women in this state, dude!"
I was puzzled, and said so.
He gave me a long look, and said, "You've never been to California, have you?"

I took another look. The women were indeed all grey and dumpy, regardless of age. The nine months of winter and the fact that men there had the attitude of taking whatever they could get, meant these women simply had no incentive and little opportunity to live a healthy active lifestyle.

It would be easier to accept some women resenting being judged and desired for their bodies if they'd admit they judge and desire men for their money and status. If you are a *** object, he is a success object. Women gain immense unearned benefits simply due to good genes and a little maintenance. It isn't that easy for a man.

Men will take what they can get. Women will, but will resent the man they settle for.

I was living with a girlfriend, and one day she asked if a friend of hers could come live with us for a while. The friend was going through a rough breakup with a live in boyfriend she discovered was cheating on her. I agreed, even sleeping on the floor so the two girls could share the bed I'd paid for.

My girlfriend was a terrible cook, so I performed all the meals for us. The first morning, I rose early and made Jiffy Mix cinnamon rolls. The aroma of these cooking is wonderful, and the girls eagerly commented. I served up coffee and set out the pan.

Now, here is where the situation turns strange for me.
I am a man 5 foot 9 inches tall. Almost all of my life I weighed a scant 130 pounds and a 30 inch waist. An ecotomorph. A wimp, some would say. I loved food, but I quickly get a feeling of being "full" and eating past that makes me literally sick.

When the ladies started trying the buns, I was pleased to hear their praise: "Better than Cinnabon" for example. Gradually it got creepy. Have you ever fed a dog a hunk of meat? The dog gulps it down without even chewing. This was like that. The girls ate as if they were literally starving, INHALING the rolls in minutes, the entire pan. I think if I had reached to get one for myself, they would have bitten off my hand at the wrist.

Eventually they began to talk, the friend whining about how her boyfriend had betrayed her. She turned to me and asked how a man could do something like that. Clearly I was expected to revile him and assert I would never do something like that.

Instead, I told the simple truth. He didn't sleep with another woman because he didn't love or desire her. He didn't do it because he desired the other woman INSTEAD of her, he did it because he desired the other girl IN ADDITION to her.

The genders all too often make the error of thinking that the opposite gender uses their criteria and methods of reasoning.

To her, the only reason to sleep with someone was because they were a perfect match, the one and only prince charming. She was treating her boyfriend as if he thought the same way she did. She was wrong.

Evolution rewards a woman for holding out for the one best cave man genes, the one who will provide and hang around to defend the kids. Evolution rewards the cave man for spreading his seed anywhere and everywhere he possible can.

I went on to compare it to the buns. "You love these, you've been saying they are the best ever," I said. "but would you be happy if you could only eat these buns three meals a day for the rest of your life? Don't you also enjoy other foods sometimes?" They nodded.

"To a man, *** is the greatest possible pleasure, but it's also a literally painful imperative. He has to have it, the way a drug addict needs a fix. Use one drug long enough, and you build up a tolerance, you need more, you may even need different. Gradually, one woman alone can't satisfy all of his sexual cravings, any more than one food could. Yes, you can remain a favorite, a preferred, but it's absurd to demand or expect to be the ONLY. He may have had some outside ***, but he kept coming home to you, treating you the same, treating you well. If he were rejecting you, he wouldn't have ever come home.

You only became unhappy when you imposed YOUR ideas onto HIS thinking. This had to be an insult to you, not just a normal impulse?"

 

[Diogenes]

Great topic. Let me offer some anecdotes.

Unfortunately, these days, it's become necessary to point out that citing factual first person observations is NOT at all the same as saying "everyone".

Saying "I got bitten by a german shepherd" is a simple fact, not "racist against german shepherds" as the PC police would like to label it. Saying "ALL german shepherds will bite you," would be inaccurate, but morons are incapable of understanding the difference between the two comments.

I had a room mate who I considered severely overweight. Her plump best friend ended up becoming my girlfriend. They confided in me that for years they were desperate to find men.

One night they were out at a club, and were approached by two arab men. It's my understanding that in cultures with common financial / food scarcity, it's a sign of pride for a man to have an overweight wife / girlfriend. It shows he is a wealthy and can afford to indulge his woman. These guys eventually became boyfriends. The girls didn't like them, especially their refusal to bathe and their religious ideas, but, again, the girls couldn't afford to be choosy. No one else wanted a fat girl.

The girls confided that there was another reason; as muslims, the arab men were not allowed to have ******l *** with women outside of marriage; so they attempted to have *** with the girls by just thrusting between the very plump thighs without any insertion.
This didn't go over well.

The point is, every body type is attractive to SOMEone.

I met a friend of mine through online dating; we were not a match, but became friends. She was twice divorced, and lonely. Her opinion was that she was getting overlooked on dating sites due to her being overweight. She was biter, unhappy, and discouraged.

Being a rescue / fix personality, I tried to help. I told her that every female body type has a male fan base. She was skeptical. I did some research, and found a local private club online: "For big beautiful women and the men who love them". Admittedly, more a *** hookup club than a dating club.

I sent her a link to the club website, then a couple weeks later asked her what she thought. She angrily snapped at me, "I don't want to date fat men!"

She had totally misunderstood. The men in that club were not overweight, the women were.

This is leaving aside the grotesque hypocrisy of her resenting being rejected over weight while practicing that standard against men.

This is something I've experienced again and again in life. To women, facts of reality don't matter. Insanely, they regard emotions as tools of perceiving reality.

Unfortunately, society is ruled by *******. Actual laws, and social conventions, run on an absurd swinging pendulum from one negative extreme to another.

Instead of using reason, they use emotional hysteria.

"Big Beautiful Woman" has become some kind of self awarded badge of honor.
It's an over reaction to a long history of fat shaming, but it's wildly misguided.

There is a reason the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" exists. I don't become a hero by insisting that people call me Bat Man.

All of the facts have to be taken into consideration:

Overweight can have many serious and real negative connotations.

Diabetes, heart disease, thyroid issues. Is an unhealthy person attractive?

Mental or emotional issues. Many overeat instead of confronting deep inner demons that on one would want to deal with in a partner.

Over committed to a job that requires a lot of time sedentary. If you're so invested in your job that you sit all day, eat poorly and never exercise, why would any man think you have time to invest in a relationship?

Poverty. Sadly, the least expensive foods are often the most unhealthy, loaded with fat and sugar.

Lack of self discipline. If she doesn't respect her body enough to feed it right, why should any man?

Misunderstanding what men care about. Just because advertising uses stick figure models to sell makeup and clothing to women doesn't mean that all men want stick figures.

The reality is, a small surplus of body fat is a healthy thing, an evolutionary defense against times of privation and stress. The reality is, a woman gains weight to be able to better feed babies, it's normal. Being fat isn't necessarily sick or shameful or bad. But to pretend that it NEVER is those things is idiotic.

A final anecdote. I worked a factory job in a New England state known for long winters. Some co workers noticed that I walked home along the highway each day; they offered to give me a ride. The first day, they told me to find their car in the parking lot. Their son, visiting home from the Navy, would be driving and expecting me.

This guy was pleasant, stationed somewhere in California. As we waited for his parents, a stream of workers walked past, predominantly women. The sailor turned to me and said, "Damn! You got some homely women in this state, dude!"
I was puzzled, and said so.
He gave me a long look, and said, "You've never been to California, have you?"

I took another look. The women were indeed all grey and dumpy, regardless of age. The nine months of winter and the fact that men there had the attitude of taking whatever they could get, meant these women simply had no incentive and little opportunity to live a healthy active lifestyle.

It would be easier to accept some women resenting being judged and desired for their bodies if they'd admit they judge and desire men for their money and status. If you are a *** object, he is a success object. Women gain immense unearned benefits simply due to good genes and a little maintenance. It isn't that easy for a man.

Men will take what they can get. Women will, but will resent the man they settle for.

I was living with a girlfriend, and one day she asked if a friend of hers could come live with us for a while. The friend was going through a rough breakup with a live in boyfriend she discovered was cheating on her. I agreed, even sleeping on the floor so the two girls could share the bed I'd paid for.

My girlfriend was a terrible cook, so I performed all the meals for us. The first morning, I rose early and made Jiffy Mix cinnamon rolls. The aroma of these cooking is wonderful, and the girls eagerly commented. I served up coffee and set out the pan.

Now, here is where the situation turns strange for me.
I am a man 5 foot 9 inches tall. Almost all of my life I weighed a scant 130 pounds and a 30 inch waist. An ecotomorph. A wimp, some would say. I loved food, but I quickly get a feeling of being "full" and eating past that makes me literally sick.

When the ladies started trying the buns, I was pleased to hear their praise: "Better than Cinnabon" for example. Gradually it got creepy. Have you ever fed a dog a hunk of meat? The dog gulps it down without even chewing. This was like that. The girls ate as if they were literally starving, INHALING the rolls in minutes, the entire pan. I think if I had reached to get one for myself, they would have bitten off my hand at the wrist.

Eventually they began to talk, the friend whining about how her boyfriend had betrayed her. She turned to me and asked how a man could do something like that. Clearly I was expected to revile him and assert I would never do something like that.

Instead, I told the simple truth. He didn't sleep with another woman because he didn't love or desire her. He didn't do it because he desired the other woman INSTEAD of her, he did it because he desired the other girl IN ADDITION to her.

The genders all too often make the error of thinking that the opposite gender uses their criteria and methods of reasoning.

To her, the only reason to sleep with someone was because they were a perfect match, the one and only prince charming. She was treating her boyfriend as if he thought the same way she did. She was wrong.

Evolution rewards a woman for holding out for the one best cave man genes, the one who will provide and hang around to defend the kids. Evolution rewards the cave man for spreading his seed anywhere and everywhere he possible can.

I went on to compare it to the buns. "You love these, you've been saying they are the best ever," I said. "but would you be happy if you could only eat these buns three meals a day for the rest of your life? Don't you also enjoy other foods sometimes?" They nodded.

"To a man, *** is the greatest possible pleasure, but it's also a literally painful imperative. He has to have it, the way a drug addict needs a fix. Use one drug long enough, and you build up a tolerance, you need more, you may even need different. Gradually, one woman alone can't satisfy all of his sexual cravings, any more than one food could. Yes, you can remain a favorite, a preferred, but it's absurd to demand or expect to be the ONLY. He may have had some outside ***, but he kept coming home to you, treating you the same, treating you well. If he were rejecting you, he wouldn't have ever come home.

You only became unhappy when you imposed YOUR ideas onto HIS thinking. This had to be an insult to you, not just a normal impulse?"

Now, I'm not endorsing his deceit. He should have been able to approach her honestly to make arrangements to satisfy his needs, but he knew she was too indoctrinated to make that possible. What he should have done is leave, and go find a different type of girl.

I also don't endorse his putting the girl at risk of possible STDs, or even possible relationship drama / jealous violence from other women. Not to mention gossip and shame.

I'm saying what he did was normal, and she should have been aware of the reality of men. I'm not saying he went about doing it the right way.

The two women were speechless, stunned. It was like telling a small child, "no, there is no Santa Claus, but Christmas can be wonderful anyway"

 

[Diogenes]

Wow I think its romantic how you said, you get the best person you can get and never let them go... super romantic!

As for my sources! I actually use various sources, I am a little nerd me... I usually hear something on YouTube, and spend hours deep diving into the ideology, so starts off less credible, but I even found article and studies on this from public health England and various universities. I am studying counselling at the moment, and human behaviours, I am hoping to be a grief counsellor however, I always wonder if I should do relationships as... dating, love, really peak my interest.

pique