When I introduced the 3 legged Siamese fiend from the nethermost pit of hell to my other two cats, they checked him out, cat style. They sniffed the air. They cautiously walked around, slightly fluffed up, just in case he was hostile. They looked at him sideways, then glanced away (staring is aggressive to another cat). They didn't get too close to him to start with. In case he might be a threat. Dogs - well basically they also have a bit of a sniff at each other to start with, then progress to sniff each other's bums.
Social Lubricant
Unless things have changed since my youth, humans don't sniff bums or fluff up our fur. Our mechanism for checking other people out, in a non-threatening way, is called
small-talk. I think it's better called a social lubricant. I have noticed from various threads that there are three basic attitudes about small-talking among ALLers. One is you
don't know how. Another is that your
don't see why. The last is that you
hold it in contempt. Here's the jaguarundi's take on this. First - You can learn how to do it. Second -
Only small-minded people think that small talk is small. That's it.
Small-Talk is for checking people out, for people to suss who it might be OK to let in a bit closer, maybe as a friend or more. There are other functions, such as allowing others to see where you are in the pecking order and so on, but here I am sticking to it's use in breaking the ice and getting to know someone - basically what you need to do to make friends or find an SO.
So - for those of you who don't know how, I had a look and there is a wealth of 'how to do it' information out there about making 'small talk.' Any ages, any genders. There's even a small talk for dummies book. So I am not going to tell you how - look it up. I am going to address your attitudes to small talk, and some dos and dont's which I daresay you are all aware of anyway, but it helps to remember.
Does your attitude to small talk reflect is your attitude to people?
If you have contempt for the idea of small talk then basically, you aren't going to do it. Other people may well therefore regard you as did - and do- my cats regard the 3 legged Siamese. He didn't bother with cat etiquette, he did a few things that are no-no's to other cats. So now they don't like him, they either avoid him, or we have the occasional fight between them. Actually I think he doesn't really
like other cats. Much as I love and adore kitties, they aren't as clever as us. Well, some of us - because
if you can learn to have some pleasant social interactions with other people, leading to friendship at a deeper level, why choose not to? My cat can't do that. You can.
What to talk about?
I myself like a bit of intelligent convo on other topics than the weather or the price of cheese, but I wouldn't and don't despise a bit of chat on those topics, and not just as an ice-breaker. [Aside from that, a convo that starts on the price of cheese might well lead to a convo about the price farmers get for milk from dairies, EU farming policies and a whole lot more. And if you start with the weather - oh you do the math].
I am starting a 'Small Talk' thread, and would love it if all of you posted what topics you find work, what hasn't and any questions or comments that will HELP AND SUPPORT each other. If you don't use it, that's ok too.
Over to you on this one...
Protection
I don't want to share my innermost thoughts and things important to me with strangers. For example, I write - and love to read- poetry, it's a deep part of my identity as a person, of my 'soul' if you like. There are idiots out there who reply 'I'm a poet and I didn't know it' and go off into gales of laughter at their 'wit' for me to never, ever mention this fact to people I barely know. Sometimes not even to people I do know. Unless I met them at a poetry workshop or poetry reading, of course. So don't reveal too much, and don't probe other people for their deepest-soul secrets, either. Apart from anything else, if you find out too much too soon it doesn't give you anywhere else to go later on in the relationship.
Bore Alert!!!
Nor would I launch into an in-depth lecture on one of my favourite subjects. A conversation is not an excuse to show-off by being a pompous, pretentious bore, or attempting to educate the supposed ignorance of my conversation partner on some topic that I believe I am an expert on. It's showing-off. No-one like a show off, especially a boring show-off.
You might want to get into somebody's pants - you don't do it by boring the pants off them. It's wise simply not to bring a subject up that you are an expert in, so you aren't tempted to get going. Unless they too are an expert. And that brings up another danger..
... Competition
Note I used the term 'conversation partner' - it's a good way of looking at it. Small talk is not a game of tennis with both of you waiting to smash the convo ball so hard the other person cannot get to it. And it is not a competition to see who knows the most, or has the biggest. If you do this you will likely be seen as being the biggest - the biggest twat. It isn't confidence, it's verbal arm-wrestling and/or bragging. If want to put your point across and convince someone of your credentials, join a debating club.
Listening
You talk, you listen. They talk, they listen. What is going on should be like that. The problem is that if you are too busy thinking about what to say next (either because you are nervous and unaccustomed to chatter, or trying to point-score) it makes it hard to listen. It is however essential, and will give you the clues to carry a conversation along. If someone tells you 'I would like to go to Spain,' you can develop a conversation from that, such as have you been before, where would you visit, what do you like about Spain, - - and more.
Respect
So, you aren't interested in Spain? It's boring you? Get the fresia over yourself. Seriously. People deserve enough respect for you to listen to them.(And no, I am not including racists, homophobes, or other people who have extreme and unpleasant attitudes). But no doubt you would be beyond pissed-off if they don't listen to you. Well, if you cannot find some nugget of interest in other people, in what they like or want, then I think you are either a teenager or acting like one. People are interesting. At the very least you might learn something you can use in other conversations, and it's all practice, even if you have not found a friend for life or an SO.
Questions
It's great to ask questions to get a conversation going, and to keep it going. Unfortunately if you do it too much it can come off as an interrogation. But good, open questions that don't lead to a 'yes or no answer are ideal. A question like ' Where do you' (do your shopping) is better than 'Do you use the supermarket'. 'What do you think about (anything non contentious) is a good one, as well. Get yourself a list of a few of them - and use them.
Tip 7 Small Talk isn't small, it's a social lubricant. Learn how to do it, practice often - you will get better if you do.
... and post your progress on the Small Talk thread..
